EAGLE CROW fanatics, it's that time again! While I sit here nursing a glass of rum and rubbing down my foot with salonpas (I ran it over with my car yesterday. Did you know that's a bad thing to do?), I've taken the opportunity to read back through this chapter a couple of times. This is where things really start heating up! With only a few episodes left in the first season, we're really speeding our way toward a nice, handy conclusion - but there's so much action, adventure, and hashbrowns left before we get there!
Without further adieu, we rejoin Eagle and Garbo in the parking lot of the Waffle House, a smoldering Dodge Charger beside them and a snickering lunatic with a rocket launcher perched on the elevated highway above...
EPISODE 7: This Is Why No One Likes You - Everything is starting to converge on Eagle, leading to what appears to be a worst case scenario in the making.
[Returning to where the last episode ended, we see Penelope turn away from the amassed crowd on the ground, heading back to her car.]
Eagle: “Fuck no. Fuck no.”
[Eagle is already heading to his car, ignoring everyone else. Garbo sees him, and runs after. As Eagle hops in the car, Garbo hops in the passenger side.]
Eagle: “Get out!”
Garbo: “I'm the one that's fuckin' strapped, kid! If you're chasing the bitch down I hope you're a better slap fighter than you are a decision maker.”
Eagle: “I don't care! Get the fuck out! Her beef is with you, you fucking asshole, not me!”
Garbo: “Dammit Crow, you've got the fuckin' pussy madness! In no world does Penelope motherfucking Bellows have better intentions toward you than I do!”
[Eagle grumbles, but he kicks the SHO into reverse, and peels out of the lot. Weaving through traffic and running a red light, he follows the frontage road until he can cut onto the interstate.]
Garbo: “Jesus, fuck, hoo! Here you go, kid! Show me what this baby can do!”
Eagle: “You asked for it.”
[Eagle shifts into top gear, and the SHO is flying down the highway, deftly cutting its way through the rest of the cars on the road.]
Eagle: “I don't even know what she drives.”
Garbo: “She'll be in the car that's fleeing as fast as possible from the site of a bazooka attack.”
[As Eagle weaves out in front of a semi trailer, he spots a blue Subaru BRZ, and it's driving the exact same way he is.]
Eagle: “Aw man, she has a BRZ?”
Garbo: “Is that bad? Is that faster than this?”
Eagle: “Not even on a good day. That's just... that's a sexy car.”
Garbo: “Get your mind out of her machiavellian boyshorts, skidmark. Focus.”
[Eagle speeds up and takes to the shoulder, the rumble strips barely even noticeable at his speed. He gains on the BRZ quickly, and cuts into traffic behind it. Garbo reaches into his coat and pulls out a Kimber 1911.]
Garbo: “I'd tell you to look away, kid, but, you know, you're driving, so... I hope you don't mind seeing her brains on your windshield.”
Eagle: “No! Garbo, don't you fuckin' dare!”
Garbo: “Fuck's sake, kid! Shake loose the Stockholm Syndrome! Did your last girl just not ever fuck you or something?”
Eagle: “Dude, come on! Shoot out her tires or something, take her in! Isn't there a reward for her, if she's so fucking bad??”
Garbo: “What do you think we are, fuckin' Dog the Bounty Hunter? No, man, this is what happens when you try to kill an authorized agent of the United States Government: I get to put bullets in you in the middle of an interstate highway.”
[Up ahead, it seems Penelope noticed the tail, and she quickly takes to the shoulder to gain distance. Eagle cuts to do the same, but a semi truck blocks his path. Instead, he pulls out to the other shoulder, hoping that she doesn't take the upcoming exit before he can maneuver back behind her. She does, though. As they see the exit go by, they know they lost her.]
Garbo: “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! DAMMIT, Crow!”
Eagle: “She boxed me out!”
Garbo: “You fucking LET that happen, you fuckin' lovestruck teenager!”
Eagle: “Don't accuse me of that shit! She fucking boxed me out, man! I can't drive through a fucking semi!”
Garbo: “I don't fuckin' want to hear it.”
Eagle: “Can't you like call for a dragnet or something?”
Garbo: “I don't even know what the fuck that is. You mean like helicopters and shit scanning every road for that bitch? This isn't your local constabulary, kid, this is the CIA.”
Eagle: “Right! You should have something way more kickass and effective than any cops would have! What the fuck, how can you not like redirect a satellite?”
Garbo: “HA! Unless you wrap a towel around your head and learn to speak Dari all of a sudden, your ass isn't worth redirecting a fucking satellite over. Ha! Haha! You realize you're talking about fuckin' space shit right now, right?”
[Eagle gets back into traffic and takes the next exit. He pulls into the parking lot of a gas station and shuts off the engine.]
Garbo: “Crow, listen, this is the thing: You're gonna need to get over your fixation with her, okay?”
[Eagle's phone rings. It's Penelope.]
Eagle: “I'm answering.”
Garbo: “You fucking do it and you're--”
[Eagle answers anyway before Garbo can finish.]
Garbo: “--dead.”
Eagle: “Penelope, what the fuck?”
Penelope: “I'm sorry! Well, I'm as close to it as I can psychologically be, anyway, so know it's from the bottom of my heart!”
Garbo: “Tell that bitch she's getting a lead surprise the next time I see her.”
Penelope: “See, Eagle? This is exactly why I need to kill Garbo. I wish I could take back what happened with Carrack, but, you know I never wanted to give you up to him for real, right? That's why I killed him and his guys! I just knew it was an easy steal!”
Eagle: “You were going to use me as bait. You were going to blow me up after telling Garbo where I was.”
Garbo: “Is that what that bitch--? Damn, dude, what the fuck is wrong with your dick that you're trying to go round 2 with this foul crone?”
Penelope: “I know it's hard to understand right now, but I didn't want to do that!”
Eagle: “You fucking called yourself a treasonous heartbreaker!”
Penelope: “That was a mistake... if I had to kill you in order to kill Garbo, I couldn't do it and care about you at the same time! I'm a heartless bitch, you're right! But most of the time, the heart I'm fighting so hard not to break... is my own...”
Eagle: “Penelope...”
Penelope: “Eagle, I'm so sorry that you are caught up in this.”
[Eagle is visibly won over by her charms.]
Garbo: “No, no, that face is not allowed in this conversation.”
[Garbo snatches the phone out of Eagle's hand, and immediately puts it to his ear.]
Garbo: “Hey, Penelope Rottencrotch, listen the fuck up! You've overstayed your welcome on planet Earth, and I'm the one who's gonna deliver the eviction notice. Right to your aorta, you fucking hear me?”
Penelope: “Garbo... please, just let me see Eagle one more time...”
Garbo: “As though I'm not covered in plate armor of protection against your slinky seductress strategem.”
Penelope: “Fine. You don't have to let him. I'm going to take him.”
Garbo: “Try it!”
[Garbo presses the button to end the phone call, and he tosses the phone out of the window.]
Eagle: “Okay, well that will be $600 for a new iPhone, then.”
Garbo: “$600? God damn, really? I just paid to buy your fuckin' Bluebaby back, I'm not even gonna tell your ass how much that guy swindled out of me for that. We're fuckin' square. Sell some of those vintage ass clothes of yours, you'll make money out of other idiots who like that shit.”
[Eagle doesn't say anything. He drives out of the gas station parking lot, and gets back on the interstate.
Garbo: “There's a different safehouse, we'll go there. Dry off. Arm up.”
Eagle: “I'm not arming up.”
Garbo: “No, you just swing by Walgreens for a pack of flavored rubbers so Penelope can have a sweet treat right before she bites your dick off.”
Eagle: “Yeah, maybe I'll do that.”
Garbo: “Good plan. Take the next fuckin' exit.”
[When they arrive at the next safehouse, the Blueboy is already in the garage. Eagle runs up and wraps his arms across the hood, and signs contentedly. The fact that he stays there for more than what seems like a reasonable time gives Garbo cause for comment.]
Garbo: “You know I saw a documentary about this once. People who get off on cars, like, they'll literally fuck a car. Frote up on the windshield and shit, nasty shit.”
Eagle: “I want to be alone with Blueboy for a while.”
Garbo: “As much as I'd prefer to be out of the room when the fluids start flying, you're not getting out of my sight for a damn second, Crow, that's for damn sure.”
Eagle: “Shut up then.”
Garbo: “You shut up...”
[Garbo pulls his own phone out of his pocket, and he dials Gaye.]
Gaye: “Yeah, this is a name I want showing up on my logs.”
Garbo: “Right! Now I have blackmail material on you, so you'll be listening with rapt attention. You and Flores, what's going on back at the Waffle House?”
Gaye: “Cops showed up after about 4 minutes; fire about a minute after. They questioned everyone, though – and I mean everyone. They weren't playing ball with us, either.”
Garbo: “Local cops are dicks, good to know. What the fuck are they going to do about it?”
Gaye: “Garbo, you know me. I'll shoot a cop right in the aorta if I have to to get the job done.”
Garbo: “Ha, yep, you and me both. Prefer not to, though, right?”
Gaye: “Absolutely. So what else do you need?”
Garbo: “What do I need? Your cars got blown up, too.”
Gaye: “Look, don't be an asshole about it, but let's get real here: among the three of us, you're the senior agent. You have more experience dealing with Bellows than we do, too, so you tell us what to do and we'll gut that fucking bitch.”
Garbo: “Damn, Gaye, that's the most beautiful shit I've ever heard. Alright, here's what you need to do: We're at a safehouse across town from where you are. I'm gonna text you the address, and you're gonna come here and watch Crow. I'm gonna go out and try and track down Bellows.”
Gaye: “Should I bring Flores?”
Garbo: “Nah, have him handle getting us all new cars.”
Gaye: “Alright, you got it, boss. Give me the address and I'll head out as soon as the agency brings us new Chargers.”
Garbo: “Over and out.”
[Garbo heads for the door, and Eagle sees him start to leave.]
Eagle: “What happened to staying and watching me?”
Garbo: “You're gonna be just fine here, kid. I gotta go run an errand.”
[With that, Garbo walks out the door, dialing a new number.]
Garbo: “Motorpool? Hey, bring me my Ducati. I'm at 451 East...”
[After a moment of waiting outside, a Ducati Monster pulls up. The rider gets off the bike, hands the helmet to Garbo, and nonchalantly walks down the street. Garbo puts on the helmet and climbs on the bike.]
Garbo: “Purr for me, baby.”
[The engine revs, and Garbo takes off. A short time later, Garbo arrives at the previous safehouse. Parking the bike behind the garage, he takes the back door inside. Simultaneously, a silver Charger pulls up, and Gaye and Flores both exit the vehicle. Garbo casually strolls from the rear of the large central living room toward the front door. As Flores opens it, shotgun in his hands, Garbo raises his gun and fires twice, hitting Flores in the chest and face. Flores drops, revealing a stunned Gaye behind him. Garbo fires two more shots – one to Gaye's stomach, and one to Gaye's knee. Howling out in pain, Garbo rushes to him and drags the two bodies inside, shutting the door behind him.
And the episode ends. Ending theme: “Gangsta's Paradise” cover by Alyson Greenfield]