Hello and welcome to 'The State Of Britain Yesterday, Today'

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Top stories from the future:

• McCoy's ridge cut crisp company have finally made the cut.
• Local councils across the country have launched an aggressive, no nonsense campaign to dump litterbugs.
• British prime minister Theresa May is caught using the steem blockchain to hire new MPs.

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But first, our top story tonight

New research suggests that not having the death penalty in the UK has caused homicide rates to rise rapidly. Oxford researchers have discovered that since we abolished the death penalty in 1965, homicides have doubled despite the population remaining linear.

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We now present to you, Clive Bertey - our chief capital punishment ethics correspondent. Clive, what exactly is going on?

Well Clifford, I'm stood outside 10 Downing Street today because it looks edgy and dramatic. It really is a difficult situation for the houses of parliament today as @theresa.may attempts to pass a law allowing her to build death camps for those who have committed violent crimes or pissed her off somehow.

She's meeting strong resistance from the Labour Party leader @jeremy.corbyn who is actually with us today! Mr. Corbyn, why on earth do you think we should keep spending money on these violent lowlife pieces of shit just to keep them alive?

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"Well Clive, I believe that it's no secret that some of these men are actually innocent, so by killing them, we're killing innocent men. On top of that, everyone has the right to life, and even though these criminals took that away from someone else, it doesn't mean we should lower ourselves to their level."

Unfortunately Jeremy, the BBC is government funded and you're not in power so I'm going to have to cut you off right there. Thanks for coming on though.

"Sod off you fascist twat."

That was Jeremy Corbyn, with his boring, insignificant point of view. So, could there be another reason for this spike in homicide since 1965? Yes actually, one conspiracy theory states that the higher population means there's a higher probability of a homicide happening since there are more people. This theory was quickly shot down by Terry Happer, the chief scientist at St. Paul's Cathedral. Here's what he had to say:

"Romans 13:4 clearly states that if you disobey the rules of authority, you can expect imminent death. Most people have read the Bible at least ten times so they know this and know what to expect if they go against the word of authority. But if murder is not punished with death, it's basically sanctioned by the government - which encourages murder!"

I think that's pretty conclusive evidence that we should go through with capital punishment. Thanks Clifford, it's back to you.

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Fantastic reporting there Clive! I'm just receiving news now that @theresa.may has recently secured a government grant of £1.5 Billion to tear down all prisons and replace them with state of the art "euthanization stations" which apply modern design techniques to a classic 1940's German template. How lovely.

Now unfortunately, it is time to end the programme. As always, if you want to submit a story, please send us a fax with your idea and we'll make it into news.

That's all from us at 'The State Of Britain Yesterday, Today' this evening - we bid you farewell!

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