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I don't believe that horoscopes have something to do with our lives, that's why here's funny and useless horoscope for everyone =)

Aries

Be active and ready for changes.

To begin with, try to do some stretching exercises. 

To make sure that your work is not lost in vain, remember: if people are valued by work, then the horse is better than any human.

Taurus

Be careful. Before you do something, think it over.

Measure it for seven times and then cut it eight times. For the seventy-first time you will succeed.

The stars do not advise to kiss with the secretary in the presence of your wife.

Gemini

New accomplishments are awaiting for you.

Remember: even the most stupid idea can be executed masterfully.

And do not be afraid to do what you do not know how.

After all, the Ark was built by amateurs. The professionals built the Titanic.

Cancer

Life is a success ... Repeat this, while putting a thick layer of red caviar on bread. Or black caviar.

But do not rush to pour more vodka.

Remember: alcohol is a time machine: you drank it - and it's tomorrow already.

Leo

Speak less, listen more.

It is better to remain silent and grunt with pleasure.

Your income will be higher than expences. Because there will not be any expenses at all.

Get a pig piggy bank and grunt together.

Virgo

You will throw from one extreme to another.

First the boss will call you on the carpet, and will scream like a pack of crocodiles.

Five minutes later, he also offer you the position, which you have long wanted.

Agree!

Libra

You will be on a horse.

All the rest, apparently, have to move on foot.

Perhaps you will feel yourself on the wrong plate.

Stars advise to break the plate, get off the horse to break the plate, get off the horse and change it finally ... to the bike.

Scorpio

You will have a romantic date.

Enjoy, forgetting everything in the world ....

When  "the world" plans to go home, pretend to be asleep.

Sagittarius

You will have a jumping mood.

Jumping from the TV to the closet, from the cabinet to the desk.

Try to catch it!

Catch it somewhere in the corner and ask: "To whom are you working for?!"

Capricorn

The sixth sense will not let you down. It will say: "Enough!"

Other five senses will.

They will say something awkward, but you will understand them.

Because a drunk person after the fifth glass is able not only to understand the Chinese language, but also to forgive it.

Aquarius

Everything will be given to you with ease.

Even a visit to the dentist.

First you will be very afraid. Then it turns out that his drill is broke.

But do not relax and remember: if you are happy for more than one day, then something is hidden from you.

Pisces

You have a creative upsurge ahead. 

Stock up some climbing equipment in advance.

Have you already stocked up? .. Then full ahead!

To conquer the next height! ... Just do not shout then "" A-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah .... why did not I become a chess player-oh-oh ?! "

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