That time Taylor Swift wrote a love song about a child molester.

The other day @hanshotfirst wrote a blog about coming to peace with being a grown ass man who enjoys Taylor Swift songs, only to have that peace shattered by the septic awfulness of her latest single “Look what you made me do.” I know this pain, because I too am a grown ass man who jams the fuck out of some TayTay in my car until I come to an intersection and I have to turn the volume down; all the while cursing the red light for taking so long because it’s almost to my favorite part. Hanshotfirst’s pain is similar to the pain I felt after hearing “Love Story.” The first time I heard it I was blown away by Taylor’s fearless songwriting. I Googled some interviews of her talking about Love Story and learned she is not fearless. She is Clueless. Let’s examine why.

Taylor starts off by saying:

Little did I know
That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet"
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you, please, don't go

Right off the bat we have references to Romeo and Juliet. Unlike the massage I got last week at that Thai place on 47th street, Romeo and Juliette didn’t have a happy ending. RoJo fucking died. A whole bunch of people fucking died. Now, since the name Romeo is synonymous with courting and foolish love it would make me a pedantic dick if I brought up teen suicide every time someone mentions RoJo. * Love Story*, however, follows the entire plot of Shakespear’s teen slasher blockbuster instead of just using Romeo as a casual reference. For that reason Love Story must end with the lovers committing suicide. That’s how literary references work, and that’s the bottom line cause’ Stone Cold said so!

We were both young when I first saw you
See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns
See you make your way through the crowd
And say hello

We don’t know how old Romeo and Juliette are here but her dad is telling Romeo to stay away. That tells us Juliette is old enough to go to a ball but young enough that she says “daddy.” By the time a girl is seventeen her dad is so tired of her melodramatic screaming bullshit that when she brings a boy home he is like, “Get her pregnant. I don’t give a shit. Just get her the fuck out of my house.” So we can safely say Juliette is 15 years old.

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all that's left to do is run

This line is where we begin to realize something weird is going on. If they were both 15 he’d just finger her behind the skating rink like a normal teenager. Where are they running to, and who are they running from. Also, Romeo obviously has a car if she expects him to take her somewhere. Romeo is definitely older than Juliette.

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes, escape this town for a little while
'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet"
But you were everything to me, I was begging you, please, don't go

“We’re dead if they knew?” The dial on this drama just went to 11.

Since they are sneaking out to the garden and have to be quiet we can assume they are fucking. Actually, in Texas it is legal for a father to shoot a kid if he catches him fucking his daughter in the garden. Maybe I got ahead of myself.

“Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter.” Wait, did she just say she was a scarlet letter? Holy 9th grade English class, Batman! You don’t call someone a Judas because they are kind of a dick. Peter Pan syndrome doesn’t mean you like wearing green tights.Your friends didn’t start calling you Captain Ahab because you fucked an average sized girl. You sure as shit don’t say you are a scarlet letter unless you are committing adultery. That’s how literary references work, and that’s the bottom line ‘cause Stone Cold said so!

This is the second time her dad has told him to stay away from Juliette. Since she is fifteen, that means Romeo is cheating on his wife with Juliette. Romeo is looking to be at least in his mid-twenties at this point, and if I were Juliette’s dad, Romeo would already be bleeding out of his face hole.

I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run-
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes
Romeo save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess

Juliette begs Romeo not to go three separate times, SHE is telling HIM not to be afraid, and she wants him to save her, presumably from her family. The lines, “You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess. It's a love story baby just say yes” tell us she is living in a fantasy world while he is aware of the consequences of their actions. This is some classic co-dependancy shit right here. You know Juliette is poking holes in Romeo's condoms. This relationship would have been a disaster even under normal circumstances.

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you was fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town
And I said
"Romeo save me, I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think"

Remember the part in the original version when Juliette waits for Romeo on the outskirts of town? We all know what’s about to happen.

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said
"Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story, baby just say yes"

Based on everything they’ve been through I find it hard to believe Romeo left his wife and got Lord Capulet’s blessing. It appears that Romeo got drunk at a ball and fucked an under-aged Juliet. We don’t know if it was a one-time thing or he was molesting the shit out of her. We do know that at some point he tried to stop but Juliette is crazy like Alicia Silverstone in The Crush and won’t let him go. Somehow the affair is exposed; Romeo goes on the run while Juliette’s family and the cops are all trying to convince her that this shit isn’t healthy but she doesn’t care because she is in love. Meanwhile, with the police closing in on him and facing the prospect of going to prison for being a child molester, Romeo takes the easy way out and commits suicide. When Juliette finds out she also kills herself because fucked up teenagers think shit like that is romantic. The last verse is Juliette’s fantasy playing out in her head as she takes her last breaths.

When I first heard this song I was blown away that she would write a love song about a child molester and his victim committing suicide. At the time she was still mostly a country star so it seemed plausible enough to me. According to Google, Love Story was based on Taylor’s dad not wanting her to date one of the Jonas brothers. In respect to the Scarlet Letter part she basically said, “I was just talking about something bad.” Interestingly, if we give TayTay the benefit of the doubt on the whole Romeo and Juliette thing and believe the two lovers ran off together, then this story becomes eerily similar to Lolita. That's another literary reference and that’s the bottom line, ‘cause Stone Cold said so!

Stay tuned because I've got a bone to pick with Katy Perry too.

Sources 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7