Square One: Internal waves

Ever feel that everything you have worked toward is for nothing, that no matter how much effort sunk, it just isn't enough. Today, feels a lot like that. It feels like we are ants being tested by a cruel child. I wonder how long until the torture stops and the magnifying glass appears to focus the energy and burn us completely.

It is an interesting life as we struggle and fight to survive in a world that clearly is hostile to us being in it. The human spirit to continue on is incredibly strong, the psychological reason to do so is illogical. It is all pointless is it not?

But it doesn't really matter. Here I am and today is not the day. I am pissed though. All this work I have done over the last few years for my family isn't going to be wasted, even if I am the one who does not see the result. If I am going to burn, it is going to be on my terms. Screw that sadistic little kid and his damn magnifying glass. And, if you are having a bad day, week, year, life... You tell him to go screw himself too.

Where does this lead us when we decide that whatever life throws, we are not going to give in, we are not going to give up our position and even though we could be driven backwards, we are not going to ever throw in the towel?

I know for me that it is action, movement, change regardless of how I feel, how tired I am or whatever my current mood may be. Too many people are waiting for their mind and emotions to be 'right' before they take their steps. Those stars may never align, perfect conditions will never be felt. The only time we have is now so, now is where that action needs to be undertaken.

These days, weeks and years of intense work are not wasted, they are steps forward and back ward to where I am, and with whom I am with now. This is Square One.

We are always at square one because even though we have the history of a lifetime behind us, in front of us is always a new step into the unknown, a step away from where a moment ago we stood still in time.

I have spent much too long standing idle in my opinion and it is time to take bolder steps, take a few more risks and play it a little less 'safe'. It is at this point today, where I stand and the troubles of life experienced, that playing it safe has brought me.

I work with and I assist so many people to achieve their goals and I am grateful to have the ability to be able to make a difference in someone's life but, I feel that it is also partly living life vicariously, life through another's experience. Especially over the last few years where my own life has been put largely on hold to support others in various ways.

I am no martyr for a cause nor am I selfish with my resources but, I have been very neglectful of my own needs. I have been able to justify this a myriad ways and always find another excuse to wait, hold off, invest into another first.

It is time to divert some energy inward.

This is not to say that I drop all that I do, it just means that I prioritise myself and those close to me a little more than I have been. The last three days, have been in hospital with my daughter keep her active mind entertained. And when she sleeps, my wife and I working out how we are going to deal with all of it, how we are going to manage our next step. They deserve better, I have worked enough for better yet, the same conversations keep arising.

Is there no end or, is the end the beginning?

What I realise more and more is that my own fears have crept into compromise my thoughts and actions, to justify the baby steps when what was required was leaps of faith into the abyss. The fears that plague us and hold us back generally lead us to exactly where we are trying to avoid and at the end of the day, what is a life worth living?

Even if I am comfortable, even if my wife and child need not need for anything money can buy, it isn't enough. At the end of the day, when we look back at what we have overcome and what wounds have been inflicted, will we be glad that we took the easy path?

Going forward from this point I am going to clear my slate and try to wipe some of what I have learned away and face my fears. The plan is to recognise Square One again and look to the next step with curiosity and an open mind. Yes, it will come with pain and errors but, it might lead somewhere much more interesting than the slow crush into low-end mediocrity I currently feel.

The future is so bright that limiting out of fear rather than pushing for much better is a losing path. So much is riding on me currently in my family that it is easy to justify the safe path but it is this very process that has put them at risk, that has us scrambling when we should have been no more than stretched. It is easy to say I do it all for my wife and daughter but, what example am I really setting? She might end up having a failure for a father, but, her dad will show her how to fail properly.

On my own terms.

Taraz
[ a Steem original ]