R-Rated Insight: Mario 64

Twenty years ago the mere idea of Mario completely abandoning the 2D side-scroller formula would elicit premature ejaculation from any gamer. Hell, twenty years ago this was the most beautiful game on the market [edit: This was originally posted in 2016..just an FYI] Why attempt to have sex with a living, breathing female in real life when you could ogle the 64-bit graphics and embark on a quest to save the bitch who has friendzoned you since 1985? Any dude with a brain that is far more functional than their dick would just mentally play the song “Pink Cigarette” by Mr. Bungle in their head as they laughed off the news of her disappearing. But no…if there’s one thing Mario enjoys more than consuming drugs and beating the shit out of Toad….it is the impossible dream of finally laying Princess Peach before Bowser taints it with his reptilian rocket. If you had to break it down in terms of sexual enjoyment – would you rather have a guy on top of you that smells like he shoveled a septic tank all day or one that gives you nightmares every time you watch a Geico commercial?

Mario 64 was the equivalent of gaming nirvana in 1996 – nothing could top it or come close unless we bring Goldeneye into the equation. However, some people enjoy shooting Russian soldiers while they shit and others like jumping in pipes that lead to said shit. Mario was on a quest like no other – well, pretty much like all the others – save Peach, kick Bowser’s ass and get a kiss on the cheek after jumping on turtles and orange faced villains that look like demonic Burger King toys. You get to playing the game and walk into the elaborate, decked out castle to realize the devs that made the game were tripping out on shrooms while watching Ghostbusters 2. They all sat around in seersucker shorts wearing animal print button-ups getting fucked up as they came up with the concept of jumping through paintings to lead into levels.

To dabble in a more serious tone – the game is still fun but for the love of God, there are some moments that make you want to slam your controller into the fucking wall and piss you off so hard that you want to cry (read: Levels involving lava). There’s also a shit-ton of characters so off the map that you will laugh your ass off. The giant Bo-Bomb guy in the crown looks like someone tattooed Chef Boyardee on their left nut and then proceeded into rubbing their testicle in shoe polish. He’s more of a misunderstood pervert more-so than a legit villain – I don’t know of many villains who get off on the concept of a guy running circles around them to grab their ass and toss them (well, some people love being tossed…heh).

As the game wears on you’ll get more progressively pissed off at it. I can’t count how many goddamn times I died on a stage involving lava because Mario likes to hop up and down on the shit like he has a Habanero tipped dildo jammed up his ass. If you’re not battling Mario’s fiery fetish you are battling the camera by constantly switching the angle. There are many moments where you think you will clear a bridge with tumbling blocks to only fall off 2/3 of an inch before the end…you’re already pissed off but the game emphasizes your inability to maneuver across a bridge by watching you fall to your death….you fall about 2,000 feet before you land on your ass outside the painting and unleash the bad-ass one liner that is “Mamma Mia!” I had no idea that Mario likes ABBA – maybe that’s why the Princess doesn’t give him the time of day. You have to beef up your musical taste and pretend to like a bunch of obscure bands with names like “Soil” or “Carcass” to impress women — even in the 64-bit world. Princess Peach has always struck me as a 2005/2006 era chick who would’ve had the stereotypical “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield as her Myspace profile song….just like every other chick trying to be ‘edgy’ or ‘deep’.

In my life I’ve probably beaten Mario 64 AT LEAST a dozen times – the last time being around 2000-2001 before the N64 collected dust for over a decade. That being said – we look through our past with rose-colored glasses and will hail it as “one of the best games ever!”. Is it still a good game? No fucking doubt. It brought Mario out of the sidescrolling world and turned him into a full, 3-dimensional cuckold. However, in 2016, the single, solitary issue that I have with this game that dropped it a few points is the god damned CAMERA. I must have had such a deeply hidden love of masochism back in the 90’s and early 2000’s that I somehow ENJOYED constantly rotating the camera like a coked up grandparent recording a school play without the Viagra dependency and the ability to talk about a trip to the Supermarket with elaborate detail.

Then Score: 10/10
Now Score: 7.5/10
Final Word: Just because Nintendo mushroom stamped their name on a game does not necessarily mean it will have staying power in terms of being a classic. Some games I loved as a child will probably share the same fate as Mario 64. I mean, hell, we were all 5 years old at one point and thought that games based on restaurant chains or their mascots such as Yo Noid! and MC Kids were just a delightful little romp. However, Mario doesn’t look like a pedo in a rabbit costume like the Noid nor would him and Luigi fight enemies to just be the first in line for being future heart disease candidates by fighting for McD’s.

Mario 64 is still a great game in many ways: It captures that essence of the time we first played it 20 years ago. Unless you share something in common with a Garbage Pail Kid, your childhood was probably a magical time before you paid bills, got the crabs or had your balls put in a jar and became the proud owner of the coveted joint Facebook account. The game still has that nostalgic charm – the inoffensive music, the timeless characters and the sick thrills connected to kicking Bowser’s ass!

Like I said previously – the camera really knocked the score down a few pegs. Perhaps I’ve become more impatient as I’ve grown older or maybe it’s because as a kid I was put through a grueling month of tasks to get the game and the camera was just Nintendo playing tough love with a 10-year-old. Mario 64 is still enjoyable and even if you do get insanely pissed off by the camera or blowing yourself out of a cannon to impending death like a money shot….just realize you’re not playing the abysmal South Park 64.

(This was previously posted on my old WordPress blog, TopHeh. If I got a decent reception on this, I would go forward with doing more. Also, I bought more SteemPower so I could post from my day-to-day fitness app for the Actifit tokens AND reveal some of my old rants...)