Attaining Wisdom Through Golf - Be Your Own Best Friend

When things go badly we start to doubt our basic goodness as human beings. We start to say things like; "What's wrong with me?"

- Zen Golf

The above statement was written about the game of golf, as all too often players attach their self-worth to the results they are experiencing on the golf course. However this statement could be about many other things in life.

The Best Friend Experiment

Dr Parent, author of Zen Golf talks of an experiment he likes to run with his students. He asks them to visualise themselves playing a round of golf with their best friend.

While they are playing that round the students are to imagine that their best friend has just made a poor shot, slicing it off into the woods or a lake. Then Dr Parent gets them to say to their best friend;

"That's okay [ Friend's name] everybody makes mistakes."

This experiment is done in a group setting, and nobody has trouble saying the above sentence when they are imagining speaking to a friend.

However in the second part of the experiment, Dr Parent asks the class to visualise themselves playing a round of golf, and this time it is they who hit the bad shot and not their friends.

He then asks them to repeat the sentence with their own name inserted.

The results are very different, most voices are barely audible, and some students even experience a tightening in their chests as they try to tell themselves it's okay, and that everybody makes mistakes.

Are You An Evil Caddie?

If you play golf at a high level professionally, or have the good fortune to play at a posh golf club, then you get a person who helps you carry your clubs and gives you hints about the course you're playing.

This person is called a caddie, caddies tend to be golfers themselves and so generally have pretty good advice, and even if they don't they are, or at least should be upbeat and positive.

Whether it is in the game of golf, or the game of life it is better to have a good natured caddie giving us advice, than an evil one who puts us down.

Yet often we are our own evil caddie

Remember all the things you're supposed to do in your swing. Everybody's watching now, so try not to make a fool of yourself.

You're making people wait, why don't you get on with it? And try not to slice it into the woods like you usually do!

That was terrible! I knew you were going to slice it, won't you ever learn to play this game?!

- Zen Golf

In another exercise Dr Parent asks a student to come up and play an imaginary golf shot. As they do so, he says all of the above things to them.

Afterwards he asks the group what they would do if they had a caddie saying all those things to them as they played golf.

Without fail, every single time the group cries in unison;

FIRE HIM!!

Yet these are the types of things that they all freely admit to saying to themselves when playing golf . . .

You Are A Good Listener

Imagine if you had a friend who followed you around everywhere, whispering in your ear and all they did was to talk about all the negative things about you and the world.

From the clothes you wear, to your body weight, they constantly made you feel small and alone. My guess is you wouldn't actually call that person a friend, and you would do your best to get away from them.

This is because hearing bad things about yourself (whether they're true or not) will make you feel bad. Conversely hearing good things about yourself will make you feel good!

The parts of your brain responsible for speaking are different from the parts that are responsible for hearing. So in other words, negative self-talk is just the same as having an evil caddie/friend/enemy/frenemy.

So if you are the sort of person to indulge in negative self-talk, this is a habit you need to cut out. Doing so will vastly improve your mental wellbeing and make you a happier more positive person.

The Road To Becoming A Good Friend

As with Cutting Out The Anyways, the best way to stop speaking negatively about yourself is to simply make a mental note anytime you do so.

It is important to do this impassively without judgement; the last thing you want to do is be hard on yourself about being hard on yourself!

Simply say to yourself something along the lines of;

"Oops, that was a negative thing I just thought/said about myself. In the future I will make more of an effort not to do that."

Before long you will start to catch yourself before you say the negative thing, and that is when you can start to become your own best friend because you will then be able to replace the negative speech with positive reinforcement.

"Ach, that was a pretty painful mistake, however everyone makes mistakes and in the grand scheme of things it wasn't that bad, and what's more you're still a good person."

Statements like this will become the norm and you will have become as good a friend to yourself as you are to others.

DO YOU REGULARLY ENGAGE IN NEGATIVE SELF-TALK? PERHAPS YOU PLAY A SPORT OR WORSE STILL DO IT WHILE YOU WORK OR JUST AS YOU GET ON WITH YOUR DAILY LIFE? DO YOU EVEN REALISE WHEN YOU'RE DOING IT? WILL YOU TRY AND CHANGE THIS HABIT NOW?

AS EVER, LET ME KNOW BELOW!

Attaining Wisdom Through Golf series:

Attaining Wisdom Through Golf - Becoming The Fourth Cup

Attaining Wisdom Through Golf - Don't Think Of A Monkey: Overcoming Your Fears

Attaining Wisdom Through Golf - How Big Is Your Mind?

Attaining Wisdom Through Golf - Cutting Out The Anyways

Attaining Wisdom Through Golf - Body Fake It Till You Mentally Make It

Title image: Hian Oliveira on Unsplash

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