Have you ever felt this way? Like when, on the last roll of Yahtzee, the 5th dice just doesnt quite finishing all the way over, causing you to cross off the Yahtzee, wishing you would've waited to take your 6s...
Well now you know the premise, under which i have lived my whole life.
Where did I go wrong, you repeatedly ask yourself, when it seems your friends and family have all the answers?
Not only does it seems they have all the answers, but that you are clueless, and repeatedly fall on your face. They look at you weird, like its so simple...right? Anyone knows that, how old are you?? What rock did you climb out from under?
Ya, its like you've been kept in the dark your whole life. Things seem to go easy for others, you try so hard, yet nothing seems to work out...you begin to doubt your own sanity, asking why must you suffer so much??
I lived 56 years this way. One day, I had an epiphany. With the help of a good friend, which have been few and far between, I realized what it was that had been missing. It had a name: awareness.
See, if you're like me, i have had no sense of attachment or belonging. All was stolen from me when I was 3.
Now most people aren't robbed to this extent so young, so i never knew what was missing. It's ok to be missing something if you replace it with something...the trick? First you must know it is missing. I never knew. Clueless, I floundered around my life, never knowing which end was up. I tried mainstream religion, cults. Men were my higher power for a while. What is wrong with me, that i keep getting cast aside?
Self awareness, comes from, among other things, love. If one never has love, how can one even become aware of self? How can i love when yes, no understatement, i felt no love my whole life. So I have backed into this one, successfully, i might add! Yes, love is the answer. This is my journey to it.
This is my first attempt at writing of this kind, and is done on a computer, automatic writing. So begins my own personal journey into healing. Coming along for the ride?
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