I've decided to start making a record of all the things, I as a nurse, have to deal with.
Today we start the day on the afternoon shift. After a rather lengthy handover (a run down of each patient and their complaints, history and plan) I was given my first job.
Suturing a mans tongue back together after he laughed so hard his false teeth chomped right through his tongue. This poor man was, of course, on blood thinners and bled like a fountain until the 2 stitches could be inserted. His face was covered in blood and he had a rather uncanny resemblance to our old friend Dracula.
Stitches in place and a mouth full of gauze, he was sent off home to a diet of only water for the next 18 hours.
The next patient needed stitches to be removed from his right palm, after slicing it open with glass last weekend. His drug fuelled bender rendered him unable to control his movements and he decided a glass table would be the perfect place to fall. Now this ordinarily wouldn't bother me... but it's the fact that when I was trying to remove his bandages... they were very hard and crusty.
Not entirely unusual, but usually the stiffness would be caused by a visible bleed/ pus. There was nothing.
I continued to unwrap his hand until right at the end the tail end of the bandage flicked up and a fine white dust poofed into the air... it was at this moment he told me the crust and stiffness was semen.
You read that right.
Semen.
He has apparently been jacking off onto his bandages all week.
After washing myself with the strongest antiseptic I could find. I instructed him to wash his own hand before I'd even think of removing the stitches. He asked disappointedly why I wasn't going to wash his hands for him... I returned the question with a blank stare. He promptly got up and took care of the mess and I finished the task ahead promptly.
I again washed myself all over.
The last patient is an old lady who we see rather often. She comes in with cake and beanies, chocolates and candles... and then proceeds to tell us she's in 10/10 pain and cannot bare to be living like this any longer.
Of course the only "cure" for this is regular morphine injections for a week or so, until she gets bored... and then magically... she's pain free and good to go.
She'll be calling any minute now for another dose
See you next time.
Nurse.