Woke up from a hangover, the victory party went great, but I only felt emptiness. There's this hole in my emotions that went out like a speed of a raging tempest. Nothing seems right.
I looked at my laptop still airing my steemit account. I thought, maybe I was worried cause I am not producing any quality posts, or if my posts will earn or not. But that wasn't it, that feeling was just so sudden that there was no reason at all of feeling it. Confused? Well, so am I.
I stared at my Bible, I was reminded I did not pray, but I don't have the drive to talk to a Divine Entity that I know can help me. But as I said, I was not feeling it. I'm not mute, I'm not decapitated, and I am not.... Mentally ill. Am I?
Scared to death, still the hole did not fade. The drive to act is not yet there, what should I do? Opened my laptop, I wrote something mediocre, no, all those things I wrote were merely substandard, you can't get anything from it.
Tried to sleep, but it took me 6 hours just to tire up my eyes, it was 4am, but even in that effortful sleep the void was eating my sweet dreams. Now i knew what to call it, the void.
I woke up, it was 5 am, and my thoughts were filled with the death of me. I cried. I cried because I thought I was dying, and I cried because no one knew, no, the void told me they did not care. They knew, but they did not care.
It went on and on until the 4th day, until the void ate my appetite. I cant feel hunger. Food became foreign, I was afraid because I thought I was Bulimic, where compensation happens after binge eating, but I was not binge eating, I was binge thinking. Thinking of what has happened to me.
Water was my only meal for 4 days. I weighed my self, I loss 7 Kilograms. I felt wasted, I tried to eat, but my body rejected it. Tried to eat every meal served, but it only resulted to more vomiting, that I felt my throat burning and sore.
The void is destroying my body,how do I fight back?
A voice whispered, "disconnect to all the people you knew, run away, escape the void!"
I was about to pack, then a Friend called. I was dazed when she asked how am I. I was hesistant to answer, but tears were flowing. I did not answer back and I ended the call. Then sent me a message:
I read the word of God several times, i suddenly felt strength. Tried to help doing a little chore, but it did not sustain me, I suddenly felt exhausted and I went back to my room. I slept. No voices were heard this time.
Woke up with a sigh, it felt really relaxing. But the word given to me was strengthening me again. And I was sensing the void is becoming fragile and sensitive, so I decided to open up my Bible. I continued where I left my devotion, so Romans 5 was my chapter for that day.
I read it silently, until I reached the verse 3 of the chapter, my mouth formed a smile. It was until verse 5 that the void broke completely, that I was not sensing it at all.
I realized, if only I opened my Bible when I was staring at it, then I wouldn't have suffered that long.
At the end of everything, it was still God's word that saved me, and now I realized the greatness of his power, that with just one snap of his finger he can definitley erase any kind of obstacle we were facing... are facing... will be facing.
Well, I knew all about those things, maybe I did not fully believed his capabilities, until I tried it. With a convinced heart, my faith grew bigger, it was indeed a test of my endurance.
I fell for it, but it was His grace that kept me alive. Why? Because I was aware of it. The whole time, i noticed all the changes. I knew the void was the enemy's works, it's just that. I did not acknowledge the fact that I need help. Now I know that humans are weak. And that we can't live alone. Connection with God, and to other people will make you get through it.
Do not rely on yourself fellow humans, seek help, pray, and acknowledge that you are weak and that you need Him.
You can join the air-clinic group on discord
by following this link -> https://discord.gg/rqded5m
By typing @steemgigs as your witness, just click -> https://steemit.com/~witnesses
God Bless!
Kindly give credit to the sources of the images use on your post. You can use this tool https://steemitcuration.appspot.com/imageformat
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Those are my images, that's my bible app, phone calendar, and sms.
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Hey @speaklife, thanks for sharing this! You find comfort in the words of God, and this is beautiful.
It takes efforts and courage just to give voice to our thoughts when it feels as swimming in a sea of emptiness, so I hope you can acknowledge this and be kind to yourself <3
I just wrote a post about anxiety and depression, it's a glimpse of my experience but maybe some words can resonate with you today.
Keep strong, you are not alone, you are loved!
https://steemit.com/selflove/@kimlucy/late-night-thoughts-2-or-how-i-shaped-my-relationship-with-anxiety-and-depression
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Thank you, i'll definitely read this. :)
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paaaak! bongga kaayo yok!
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Hahahaha thank you ate deeday!
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