And the judgement rained down with the tears

One year ago was an important day for my family and a hard one for my wife. It was the day she stopped breast feeding our daughter.

She didn't want to but, it had to be done as she herself had only eaten unseasoned pork and sweet potato for the last three months and at this point, weighed less than before she was pregnant. She tried her best to push it to six months but, it couldn't be done. Her backbone was showing through her clothes and still our baby screamed in pain. It had to happen. My wife cried, she felt like she had failed as a mother.

Is it strange that I am writing about breastfeeding?

The price of the formula that would replace breast milk (Neocate LCP) was going to be between 500 and 700€ a month, almost twice our mortgage and we had no idea how we were going to cover it. In a near panic, a new father, a recovering wife and a baby that barely slept more than an hour at a time, and screamed nearly constantly while awake, I did all I could.

I tried to extend some of my business but the time was wrong for clients. It was this that was the catalyst for me hearing about and joining Steemit, it is when I started writing. If I could get something, anything to ease the burden I would try it. Who wouldn't do all they can in this position?

But, it wasn't the financial hardship that was the worst in this, it was the judgements and assumptions of friends and strangers. Yes, family new the story but it was the outer group and random strangers who were the worst. Those who without even asking for detail, would make their assumption and provide their opinions.

Some were well-intentioned and would say to my wife things like, 'Don't eat spicy foods, chocolate' or some other obvious things as if we hadn't thought of researching and testing them already. But others, passed judgement and would say things like, 'Did you stop to save your boobs?' or 'You know, it is healthier for the baby to breast feed'.

People spoke to my wife as if she was an uneducated teen who had a baby as a lifestyle prop with which to take selfies. They didn't see her face in pain as they were too lost in spilling their pious diatribe of groupthink bile, as if the information they gave was that of an expert with the necessary background.

They didn't see her face after when she told me what she had heard. They didn't see her cry when she gave our daughter the bottle filled with formula.

It is interesting how fast we pass judgements upon others with no background but our assumptions on what we see. We all do it, even those that know better. Some though are so blind to themselves and oblivious of others that they cannot even recognise they do it. It is often these people who are also the most sensitive to criticism.

But regardless of the judgements that come, it is up to us to walk our path and for better or for worse, up to us how we raise our children. Many parents are such that they run on autopilot, habits of the past, slices of information uninvestigated. Is it any wonder we become like our parents as parents when we repeat the patterns they taught?

There is so much controversy surrounding breast feeding, so much stigma and conflicting advice but yes, it is better for the child, but people forget, each child is unique. What is good for the average may not suit an individual and to treat all the same is to do inflict much suffering.

Two weeks after we started the formula, we met our daughter for the first time. Gone was the screaming, the twisting and writhing in pain and she was sleeping for three or four hours in a row. And when she was awake, the near constant frown was replaced by a smile and instead of looking for comfort, she looked around with curiosity at the world she seemed to truly notice for the first time. She hasn't stopped paying attention to her world since.

As hard as it was on my wife, as difficult as it was on our family, for our daughter, we made the right decision, no matter what anyone else may think. Even though it hurt at the time, my wife absorbed the judgement and disapproval of others, and instead of complaining and explaining, thought of our daughter's health instead.

This is the thing with parenting, the thing about being a mother or a father, it is not about you. The hardship and suffering you are willing to endure is for another. We have a brilliant daughter and she has a brilliant mother.

Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]