I understand Totally what you are saying, and this is the reason i am doing this. I am making this workshop in a way that you can work on it bit by bit, very easily and gradually. once you have practiced the steps with the exercises in the Workshop you will have a much better idea of how to actually handle these conversations..
It is hard to take a step back, and that very important part of listening is well explained in this video on this post.. once you practice the exercise of listening as described in this video i Hope that you will start to see the light, because the way i have framed this is to make it as easy as possible for you to listen. In this first exercise you are not supposed to even respond unless you want to clarify a point etc.. and I am asking you to choose a very 'low intensity' issue to get started with. Maybe you can try it out with a friend who is easy going if you are not yet ready to try it out with a family member.
The main post is coming tomorrow.. xx
I tried it tonight when my wife got home. Observation... uh huh.. she was not happy.. I just listened.. at one point she said, shouldn't I feel this way... I said I think she has a right to the way she feels..
that's as far as I got but at least... I didn't make her any more upset... and actually did help her to mellow out.. not by smoking .. lol. I'm the only one here does that.
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oh wow, OK! you already started..
i would say,, GREAT,, but maybe better to start with a low intensity person or topic..
I haven't yet given the full guidance for this exercise, so maybe wait for the post tomorrow and then you can give it another go..
What she says, about having the right to feel the way she feels is 100% honourable. We all have feelings, and needs, and if we were in their body we would probably feel the same way.
What NVC teaches us is that Having negative feelings is an indicator that some need of hers is not being met.. SO your job whilst listening is to identify the feeling first, e.g shes angry, and then figure out what the specific need is.
once you have done that, you can then start some constructive conversation about how to help her meet that need, whilst still meeting you own.. and with your total enthusiasm to make her happy.. you can only have that enthusiasm when you put aside the bad feelings you have because you feel blamed or judged, or you are not having your needs met.. You put them aside WHILST you are listening, with the knowing that this is part of the process to actually resolve the issue and to create a much more relaxed connection between you both.
SO, after you have listened to her next time, i want you to notice how the connection changes, right away, between you both and how you feel!
I hope that helps!
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Thanks, Alex. I just remembered that at one point I was trying to tell her about NVC b/c her complaint is about co-workers.
She never listens to me so I got nowhere, just let it go for now. Sometimes it may not be possible to meet someone's needs.
Great words, my friend, going to enjoy this workshop and will try to employ it positively.
kindness rules
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well, maybe if you practice with her she will discover it by accident.. SHE doesn't need to do anything differently, but she will maybe witness how nice and easy it can be to find the need behind the conflict with anyone.. and then figure a way to meet it.. Its surprisingly powerful to see how listening to someone really for them and not for you changes the WHOLE story and feeling.. it is quite healing just to feel heard !
yes not all needs can be fulfilled,, BUT even just being open to hearing them, and not judging them when they do it.. but instead to say.. oh YES, i can understand that is a need of yours and can see how not meeting it must make you feel very upset or frustrated etc..
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Amen to that. In the movie, Phenomenon, Travolta asked an acquaintance who was in the doghouse if he ever bought her "chairs". Chairs being an analogy to what his wife's passion in life is.
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oh yeah, i saw that aeons ago! might have to rewatch it.. it sounds to me like you are really ripe for this, and very happy you are giving it a shot..
it takes 2 to tango, and when one person leads with a waltz, the waltz it is!
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Well, it's not my first year in the temple but still can't quite leave.
What I have done to get along for over 20 years is take all my baggage, pack it up, and send it over the cliff. Screw my baggage, happy wife, happy life.
I'd love for both my wife and I to learn the technique but I'll have to make her think its her idea. It would do her so much good.
one love
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