Ecovillage update #4

This was written in stream of consciousness form. I was going to edit, but decided this was a more accurate depiction of my current psyche.

Hello one and all.
I have been pretty absent from the blockchain recently (except for my weekly podcast) .

The truth is, I've been dreading writing this post..It's one of those things I know I have to do, but it doesn't make doing it any easier..

A lot has happened since my last update. So much that it's sometimes hard to know where to begin..

I have spoken a little about the hardships and challenges that our family has faced here in Portugal. I suppose the biggest, toughest problem, is when Lila (my wife) and and I are not on the same page.
It took me a very long time to start seeing any signs of this..
You see when we first got to Portugal in September, I was euphoric! It was our dream coming true, 5 years in the making and so far everything is going as planned, or better! I really couldn't ask for more. (Interesting how sometimes, when one side is happy in a relationship, the other side seems to "pay" for it..)
I think the biggest difference in our perspectives, was that I thought we were coming here to make our dream come true. Lila felt we were making my dream come true..

It was a few months of things bubbling to the surface before I started to get an incling that something might be up..

Having a baby puts a new kind of pressure on a relationship. There's the sleep depravation, which always adds a layer of tension to certain mornings. There's also a very slow progression that's hard to keep up with.
Kids change.
All the time.
When Tao was first born, he couldn't move without our help. He was completely dependant. And so you get into the swing of doing everything for him. But time does seem to have a tendency to pass.. And as he grows more independent, it is up to us, his parents, to adapt accordingly. This means, go through a difficult period of separation (basically from birth onwards..)
I don't presume to know what it's like being a mother, I only live with one.

But it became exceedingly clear that Lila was making less and less time for herself, and it was taking its toll.
Unbeknownst to me, this was intrinsically tied to us moving to Portugal, the hardships of a new place and language, lack of support, and a general feeling of being lost.
Lila 'forgot' why she wanted to come here. And more specifically, she wasn't sure she was up for my dream anymore...

It was an intense month as those past sentences made themselves known to me. I use the passive phrasing as that is how I felt. A giant boulder had just crushed my dreams, and me along with them..

Apart from anything else, I thought about eco-alex.. I thought about the Steemit community, and all the wonderful people who have been supporting us since day one..
How could I let them all down..? Without even a fighting chance..?
I really did go through an intense identity crises.. I had lost so much, I felt there was no "ground" for me to stand on..
That's one of the reasons why it took me so long to write this post. I felt I had a lot to process before I could express what I was going through..

On a personal note, on top of all that, I've been going through some intense soul searching myself.. Not intentionaly, but forcefully, as if the universe couldn't bare my ignorance any longer and had to set me straight.

I should explain..

I of course have many faults. Not least (and perhaps most) I have a hard time controlling my temper. It is something I have been working on for many years, and I do think I have improved quite a bit, but as I now know, I still have a very long way to go..
Whatever progress I had made, seemed to pale in comparison to the new stress of having a baby and many sleepless nights, the mornings were tough.. Lila and I fought. Maybe no more than your average married couple with kids, but a lot for us..
On top of this the whole Ecovillage seemed to be put on hold, and that was taking its toll as well..

Now, for this next bit, we have to side tract a bit.

To understand this next part I have to tell you about the animation script I have been writing over the last few years. It's about 80 pages long, and I must say, I was quite pleased with what I had. It's no more than a rough first draft, and needs a lot more work in terms of structure, but I think there's something there, in the essence, that is special.
I happen to have a 1st cousin once removed (my dad's cousin) who is a script advisor. Professionally, and pretty damn good if I do say so myself.. So I sent her the script, and asked her to critique it.
Now, following the last [ecoVillage update](https:// steemit.com/ecotrain/@orlev/ecovillage-update-i-really-should-start-numbering-these-3) you'll know we were meeting with an architect, to pitch our fire proofing idea.
The meeting went well, really well.. In fact it was very surprising, she was completely on board! I mean of course what we want to do is unheard of, and therefore there's no way she can guarantee... Anything...
But she agreed to take our "case", and even present it with us to the president of the municipality... And she is willing to do all this free of charge..! Or in her words, "let's see how things move forward first.." A true angel.
So why, after a day like that? Do I end up in tears, giving up, letting go of the Ecovillage idea..?
What can I say? The universe works in mysterious ways..

I had set a time to talk with my cousin the day we met with the architect. But she got the time difference wrong, and we ended up postponing to the next day, when I had my meltdown..

Why I answered her call I really couldn't say, except something inside of me must have known I needed to hear that phone call..

So we talked.
For an hour.
She masked her true intentions at first with questions about the script. How serious am I? What are my plans for it? What was I trying to achieve?
But then she started analysing. And I very quickly realized she wasn't just analysing my script, or my story, she was analysing my story.
She was analysing me.
She talked about my past, about my childhood and my relationship with my father, and eventually, she told me that in her mind, I should scrap the whole first script, and write a new one. A better one.
It was at that moment that I saw the parallel between my script, and my fantasy for the Ecovillage....

I should probably mention at this point, that the ecoVillage is in full swing! Shir has returned from his travels in S. America and has brought a vital breath of fresh air and new found energy to the land. Today we cleared some fallen trees from a terrific storm we had a few weeks ago. And plans for setting up some temporary living accommodations, so we can start working on the water management and fireproofing of the land, are already well under way..

But at the time, I was unaware of what the future holds.
I only saw that my ego had kept me from seeing the reality in front of my eyes. That my blind passion/obsession with this project, was actually causing more harm than good.
That if I want this to succeed, if I really believe in it with all my heart, then I have to let go of my expectations, let go of my insecurities, let go of my prejudice, let go of my possessiveness, and trust in this project and the wonderful people it is attracting, that my role in this amazing dream, will be no more and no less, no more important and no less valuable than anyone else's.

In other words, to write my story I had to let go of the past, and start fresh towards this new future.

So I have decided to write a new script. If any of you have seen (or heard) of the film Honey Boy, I am truly inspired by the whole production process. I see this script as being crucial self-work, in order for me to improve and be the best version I can, for the sake of my son, and the ecoVillage.

It's weird how you can view anything from so many perspectives..
Maybe that's what this whole experience of life is, gathering new perspectives, that expand on, and include your past ones.
I don't know..this has been a little all over the place..

I hope it makes some sense to you.. I will continue to process what happened, and will do my best to share as I go, but I'm feeling still a little in the midst of it right now, so I'm afraid you'll have to bare with me.

The ecoVillage is bigger than just me, or eco-alex, or anyone one individual. It is a shared dream of the collective - consciousness, that can only be created as a joint effort.

That is both immensely empowering and frightening all at the same time..

I wonder what tomorrow holds..

For now, I wish you all well. Good luck with all your endeavours. And always remember when things look tough and bleak, it could just be a stepping stone for us to develop further in ways we weren't aware of before..
Love to all of you
Namaste