Thank you Miss @wakeupkitty.pal for your kind words for me, you make me feel that you are my lost friend but indeed you are because of your love for another human being thanks to this technology that we have, that love can be felt by the other like what I always feel when I talk to you in this way and form.
One of my friends coined me as "Smiley" because he never saw me not smiling when he sees me, he is my classmate from our class of '94. Our class actually have a Facebook group, they always organize meetups or reunions and I am always invited. I really miss them all, if only I had spent much time being with them especially with my girl classmates back then because I always hang-out with my boy classmates but not with the girls which I only meet during our class.
I can't say that I am introvert but I do not really like being with other people other than my brother if we are attending church. But I am sure that I do have an anxiety when talking to other people even they seem to be well acquainted to me because I will start to tremble and stutter during conversations. That is why I just prefer to be on my own all the time because I always feel that I am an alien to this world, that I cannot fit to society even if I would try.
I try a lot to be more social but there is this sensitive part of me about others people's responses towards me that I feel uncomfortable with like their demeaning subtle jests, quips, eyes, and smiles. And so when I sense these thing I would avoid such persons which is why I just want to be alone all the time especially when my appearance changed where Quasimodo had more sex appeal than me.
Now I can never be the same socially because of this "Shell" that I have to contend with night and day. Maybe if only my face was the only problem that I will have to manage, then I might be able to continue to do my normal social life but my immobility and pain is what pins me down to just stay within the four walls of my room. I can't even hang-out in our small backyard because there is no place there that I can at least sit comfortably nor pet our guard dog which is not even excited to see me when we come back from my dialysis treatment because it grew up without seeing me much.
Anyway, my nieces and nephews live relatively far from me and they grew up not being able to mingle with me and it makes us not being that close to each other tp the point that I can invite them in to watch a movie or some sort of activity or quality time. So I say that spending quality time with my nieces are nephews are now not possible other than when we celebrated mine and my mother's and father's birthday, then they all go home here and it is the only time that we reunite.
My mother's birthday by the way is on the 24th of this Month. I already booked some Maki to be delivered but she is telling me that not to order roasted pig "Lechon" because it is so expensive now. A small one we call "Lechon de Leche" costs about $127 dollars equivalent and look pitiful to eat because it is a roasted suckling pig and makes me feel sad about eating it.😅
Because of its cost, my Mother doesn't want me to spend that much for a small "Lechon" but I wanted it so I think I might go for it because I want my mother's birthday to be special plus you can count in on hand how many times I had some lechon in my entire life if you can believe it 😄because not much restaurants offers it except in some parts of some cities or towns and more often they only offer whole Lechon which I can't just order for ordinary days.
Best regards to your Holidays Miss @wakeupkitty 😀👍🌹🌹🌹
I consider you a friend and it makes me happy if you see it the same way. I know how hard it is to be treated as an alien, I experienced it the biggest part of my life. Somehow it's in human nature to look or stare and not be able to ask how or what ( rather have that) instead they gossip, treat others like pariahs and make it hard to survive.
Would it have been easier if you had mingled during school more with girls? Can be but I assume that everything is a reason and girls can be very harsh. I mainly played with boys during primary school and high school I liked it more as well. I don't like the gossip, chats about hair, clothes, makeup and whatever girls talk about.
I believe that if Lechon is what you like to eat you should go for it. It's only Christmas once per year and you already sacrifice enough so why not enjoy a good piece of meat (for a week, you better keep your father out of the way).
So your mother is born before or around Christmas. How special that is and another reason to celebrate. I too would throw her a party and understand why she says it's too expensive but on the other hand, I also know that if you say this time after time, year after year in the end there is no fun left.
Perhaps you can meet your nieces and nephews in a groupchat? I have one with a few relatives, not that we are very active, it's where we share weird messages or news and mostly something funny. It's nice to scroll through now and then if no one is around because we also share links to articles of films to watch.
My holidays will not be much different from daily life although I hope to keep my pyjamas on a bit longer and watch (old) films. It's something I mainly do during winter and I also want to finish two series. One is Dr Romantic (Korean) and the other is called Silo and season 2 just started but there are only 5 episodes so I am not in a hurry.
Do you sell your birthdays together or separately?
I wonder about your dog. Is it always greeting enthusiastically? Mine do and keep jumping no matter how many times I say: don't jump. I see them laugh at me. It's good to see them happy but they are big and very strong and easily jump over a 1.80-meter-high fence or jump walk against the wall and sit on the attic or roof. It's good they no longer do that like they were a pup. It's a wolf breed and very strong. You can teach them more but they don't like it and a lot gives them stress but the are very loyal and good for guarding.
If it comes to your "shell" many people have it and it feels it's getting worse just like loneliness and depression and I keep wondering why we all keep pretending. It's better to say how you feel and if people don't like to hear it it's fine I say goodbye (or are rid of them - noisy people aren't the greatest ones to have around and I learned I am better off alone because I have more freedom and can at least do what I like, hear myself think and save energy.
Back to your friends and the reunion. If you are in the facebook group you can ask if they like to come around and kill some time with you. If you are with your brother or mother do you also feel anxiety if someone approaches you, says hi or starts a conversation? It's hard to fight anxiety and a tip is not always the golden advice you can use. People can be very scary. A start will be if you can feel a bit more comfortable among others even if you don't don't speak . The trembling can be a problem but know that stuttering might be difficult for you (and everyone who overcomes this) it also can be very charming.
It's bedtime for me. I answer/talk to you tomorrow.
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