How's it going guys?
I hope you're all well and safe. I came across this community a few minutes ago and felt a great nudge from the Universe to join it.
I love reading and I love writing. I've been writing on and off for years in various forms; rap, poetry, stories, philosophical ponderings... it's not often or in such public a manner that I've ever shared these writings though.
Perhaps today is the day to do something different. Perhaps today is the day to take a risk, and just go for it... So, if I'm going to be posting my writings on here, maybe it's best to share a bit of background first.
I've recently been having glorious internal battles against the imposter phenomenon. I've also spoken about this on my Instagram (Brian7ury). The other day, I was on Clubhouse and came across this room in which a young lady was talking about this topic and someone in the room said something along the lines of, "sometimes, you have to write down who you are, where you've come from, what you've been through to remember who you are again".
I wrote this yesterday, to remind myself of who I am. Steemians, allow me to introduce myself, and the writer within me:
You know, we all come into this world a blank slate. We leave it a patchwork quilt…
And my patches are beautiful.
Let me show you.
I was born in Leicester and grew up in Highfields in the early 90’s… and I fucking loved it! When I wasn’t grounded - not often - I used to play out! Walking the streets, learning the city, exploring, playing games, rapping, biking, fighting… some of the adventures we got in… I’m lucky to be alive.
Stories for another time ;). So, when not having adventures, when I was being punished and grounded - often - I was busy growing up in a very strict Sikh family. And I fucking hated it… Let me give you a bit of culture…
My old man - highly regarded in the local community - so staunchly believed his religious and godly beliefs that he was willing to violently reinforce them upon children. By the time I reached the age of 7, my eldest sister had been married off at the age of 17. I’d joined my 15 year old sister in rebellion and refused to have my curiosity beaten out of me.
I was born with a love of life and the world. I was born with an irresistible sense of wonder and a huge love of learning. I was born with an unshakeable sense of Justice and Fairness. I was born from a long line of Sikhs, the Namdhari’s - Guardians of the Name, the Secret, and every Guru after the 10th, Guru Gobind Singh Ji passed on the Guru Gadhi - The Throne - in secret to the 11th Guru, Guru Balak Singh Ji.
I come from the warrior Sikhs who gave up their lives to martyrdom fighting the violent oppression and degrading rule of the British Raj under Satguru Ram Singh Ji. I come from the warrior Sikhs who fought the oppression and forceful conversion from Muslims and defended the Hindus.
I come from Punjab, a huge region of North India - now partly in Pakistan. The region of India Alexander conquered before his death. You want some culture? I was born with the blood of conquerers in my veins…
At the age of 14, I made the call to social services and got myself and my younger sisters taken into care. After a couple of bounces, I ended up right back in one of my first emergency placements - as an emergency placement. Monday never came though, so I did the rest of my growing up in New Parks.
To this day I’ll say I was the first brown lad to be accepted by New Parks, and they still call me a “black bastard” the fucking pale, pink, splotchy pricks. Haha! I grew up in New parks from the 00’s… and I fucking loved it!
My new, predominantly white family - we had a few from all sorts to be fair - but thank fuck for them! I’m one lucky son to be part of such an incredible family. Want some culture? This loving family was non-religious. I was suddenly growing up with a freedom of thought that I hadn’t known possible. Social services kept trying to move me to “preserve [my] ethnic heritage”… I said, “fuck that!”
I already knew my heritage better than most people at the Gurudwara. I kept the aspects I needed and dove head first into this brand new culture. I learned of and went through and saw different aspects of life and the world. I was given the keys of possibility to any lock in the world…
I’ve never actually wrote this down or said it out loud, or even, before now, consciously fully even completed the thought. But, as I’m sat here writing this now, I think I enjoyed that combining of cultures so much, loved it so much, learned, grew, and improved from it so much, that I became addicted to it.
So much so, that at the age of 19, as a fully qualified Technician with a Level 3 in Motor Vehicle & Engineering, working full time in a finance company clearing £2-3k a month, and yet, for a plethora of reasons with only £1050 to my name, I decided to quit my job and go backpacking. The next day I bought my boots and backpack, the following night, I was on the coach to Paris.
I climbed as high as they would allow up the Eiffel Tower, and then, when I got to the top, saw a world full of possibilities beneath me. I’ma go into Space one day, watch ;)
I went to Brussels next, then Brugges… I fell in love with Brugges… to this day, one of my favourite places on earth. I could grow old in Brugges. I even travelled to Amsterdam with a lawyer from Louisiana - great lad - and got introduced to weed… Let me give you some more culture.
During the last couple years - from about 17 - I’d built bonds with an American family. I met them in Canada and then spent a few weeks back home sorting things out to study abroad.
The US Embassy denied my visa the first two times because I grew up in care. I fought social services tooth and nail for the opportunity to be the first kid who grew up in care in the UK to go to uni in Chicago of all places. I was determined to set the bar for my people. So I went back to the Embassy a third time, practically bullied the visa officer with all my letters of recommendation and affidavit’s of support, got my visa, and set my mind on smashing the fuck out of uni. To show my people that no matter what’s been thrown your way, you can always overcome. Just because you’ve been victimised, doesn’t mean you need to become a victim.
Read that last sentence again. Remember that.
Since the age of 16 till about the age of 24 - during those eight years I experienced approximately 30 losses… a lot of them happened so quickly in succession and so suddenly, I struggle to remember them all… I used to think that’s really shitty and uncaring of me, but now I think my mind has obviously done whatever it’s needed to do to ensure that I hold on to some fragments of sanity, to ensure my survival.
Those losses taught me a lot… Life’s not guaranteed. It can be over any moment. And with all due respect, religion, philosophy, science, no one can physically prove in front of my face right this second that reincarnation exists. This is my one and only chance. Those losses forced me to reflect on my relationship with life, death, and the world. Those losses made me ponder my existence…
I was born in sheer and utter blood drenched Defiance. A raging Defiance against entropy. A roaring Defiance against non-existence. A determined and immovable Defiance shattering the false chains of impossibility. I beat 4000 Trillion to 1 odds for my chance at life! I fought against 250,000,000 different sperm, different versions of me and swam like a motherfucking shark to get to that egg first and LIVE!
I am the living, breathing, walking, talking, embodiment and epitome of hope motherfucker.
I am possibility made manifest.
I’m Brian, motherfucking Fury bitch!BF Headshot 1.jpg