Am I awake? I’m not sure.
I see a bright white light and then it feels like a knife stabs me in the bottom of my back and the room comes into focus, it is too bright to focus I notice the shapes of beings crossing my vision. as my focus improves they have gas masks on, they are all around me they are holding me down. I try to scream but I have a bag over my head and tubes in my mouth. What is going on, I try to scream again and it goes back to black.
I seem to have nobody, I can still think and move around this vast space. But I see nothing, I hear nothing, I am alone. It feels like I have been here for eternity. I am without thought for all of the time, I was without any thoughts, what do I do here? I am totally calm, there is no one else, there is no fear but no joy. No anger but no love. I come back to the question, if there is nothing here, then what am I?
I have no mouth but I speak the words out loud, what am… before I finish asking the question everything begins to vibrate, I feel the space around me begin to swirl. I slow my thoughts I feel fear, it is fear I am sure but with the absence of anything, it is enjoyable to feel. I feel I have a body now although I still can not see it. I build courage and say out loud, what am I?
I feel pressure and an explosion light is thrown out in all directions like glitter and clouds of colours. I have never seen this before but it all feels so familiar. I have done this before, I have been here before, nothing is new, as I think this thought I hear another thought. Something is different this time, there is another, I can feel them, this is exciting, this is new, new is good I know this to be true. As my excitement builds, clouds seem to spread out in all directions from myself. They twinkle with stars of light flying out within the clouds as they expand. The force is mesmerising and I watch, galaxies expand still I seem to have no form but now I feel emotions everywhere. I see a purple cloud in the distance and what looks like stars. I don’t know how I move, the more I try the more I feel paralysed, but when I stop thinking and give up the thought of moving, I move. I laugh as I remember I have done this many times before, everything is new but familiar.
I move around the cloud and the light, the light is joy, as if this made any sense at all, even my thought questions this but the thought disappears as I absorb the joy around me, I had forgotten myself again, what was I? Like a beacon there is a red cloud in the distance that seems to be towards me. I look for a while and I feel a presence that is not my own. Excitement runs through me, again I try to move towards it but I can’t move, the more I try the more I feel stuck, I feel the anger grow inside me and everything starts to vibrate again. I give up trying, then I start moving towards the light and laugh, every time I say to myself, why do I only remember at the end and waste so much time. I laugh at myself silly me, what am I? This thought seems to be my only thought. The rest come and go but this one thought always remains.
The red cloud was not joy, I didn’t know what it was, this was a feeling I hadn’t felt before, I feel curious, what is this feeling. More excitement this is new, new is good. I feel myself being pulled across what felt like the universe millions of stars flying by me. As I flew across the universe I came to the edge and could see in the middle was a giant ball of light that had rings spinning around it and symbols rotating and changing like a round Rubix cube but golden with light.
I hear someone say hello, I look around but can't see anything, hello again…
** This is a story made from my diaries, is this real or is this fiction? I will let you be the judge of it. I will be updating this daily/weekly with new episodes until we are caught up and in the present. Follow me to follow the journey of ICOR**