Evil Man: Part 1 - The Falling Angel

Felix was a calm lad. He had spent his whole life trying to be the best person he could be. He cared about people, animals, plants and tried to understand everything as a divine plan that would someday be revealed to him, freeing him from the constant questions of his mind.

At the same time he was very lonely. He felt that people didn’t understand him and that society was selfish beyond his comprehension. He had a hard time opening up, because when he attempted to do so he never felt that he was completely understood.

Despite his 32 years of age, Felix still felt very young inside, as if he had never gone beyond his early twenties. His dreams were unshattered, evolving into strong convictions for which he fought on daily basis. Living in the countryside, he worked hard to fight the drought that affected the region and restore the balance of nature by helping the native forest grow.

He considered himself noble, though most people who met him just thought he was crazy and a social misfit. He tried hard to fit in, to get off the high horse of his utopic ideals and blend in with the crowd, but with little success.

Regarding romantic relationships, he did so-so. Every now and then he would have companions but would last a few months and feel tired. After that it would become hard for him to intimate with anyone and pass long times without having any kind of sexual contact.

It as during those periods he questioned himself the most. Most of the time he wasn’t extremely concerned with sex, but every day, at least for a moment, his libido would rise and take over his thoughts. He would then put up a resistance trying not to self-pleasure himself as he considered sexual energy something that could be better used if restrained.

But the more he resisted, the stronger the urge would get. Many times he would up watching porn. Other times he would remember situations with ex-partners and get off on that. Both led him to feel guilty and ashamed afterward, as well as extremely tired and filled with apathy towards the world.

After some sleep, he would return to his normal self and keep chasing his ideals… convinced that this had been the last time to incur on such behavior. But the next day it would happen again, and the cycle just kept going.

He was very conflicted by this. He hated the misogynist view that porn portrayed, but at the same time couldn’t resist the beauty of the women there. So many kinds of beauties, at the same time all of them fit into the pattern of curved bodies and no “imperfections”.

He was aware of the social effects of this, how it made other women question their own beauty, how a body lacking in hairs was not the natural way and how all of this contradicted many of his other ideals. But he just couldn’t get enough of the concept of beauty capitalism had engrained into his consciousness since a young teenager.

Sometimes he would meet girls that would fit into these standards of beauty but just couldn’t handle his own insecurities around them. While he demanded a perfectly sculptured body, he hadn’t worked on his on physic enough to think he deserved a girl like that. He also thought of the loads of other guys who would set their eyes on her and how probably many of them had more to offer than himself.

So despite having a few chances to be with girls whose physical beauty he was enchanted by, he would always give up before even trying, feeling ridiculous for even thinking about it. He then would embrace once again the relationships with other girls who he shared a more emotional or spiritual bond. They were beautiful girls as well, though not the same kind of beauty he would get from porn. The thought of him not having the “balls” to go for what made his blood rush always haunted him, making him question his own worth as a person and messing with these other relationships.

He always wondered what he needed to do for the girls he physically desired to want him as bad as to chase him around, instead of him trying to get to them and feeling like a desperate fool in the process. What he observed was that those girls usually were partners with guys that were financially successful, had big egos, and seemed like complete morons to him.

This led him constantly to thinking that he needed a little more spice in his life. That he was “too good” and that’s why these girls ignored him. There was no emotion, no doing the wrong things, he was too much of a nice guy. “These girls surely need excitement, riches and luxury to feel at home”, he thought. At the same time, he had lived a life of rejecting money and trying to do the “right” thing, so he didn’t even have enough coin to get on a bus and go to the beach or some other “fun place these girls would like”.

Later he would close his eyes, breath deeply and meditate. He would find out the truth that none of those thoughts were real, that love was everywhere and if he committed to love anyone, then that person would love him back. Even deeper, he would find that if he loved himself, everyone would love him as well.

But once the meditation ended, it would take no more than a few hours for the old thinking patterns to reappear. To question himself and his self-worth, because despite the good meditation session, no girl with a big booty, sexy underwear and teenager face was waiting for him in bed.

It was on a hot summer day, during the moments where his libido took hold of him like a tiger catching his prey, that he decided he would take no more of this shit. He needed to prove himself he was able to conjure that kind of beauty to his side despite the consequences, despite how many of his ideals he had to push aside. He needed to make money quickly, he needed to have independence and security as well as enough to spend on partying and the wild things “those girls liked”.

The problem was he had lived almost like a monk for many years, never working for more than his humble basic needs, living off meditation, plants, sunlight and air. Who the hell was going to hire him into a well-paying job with an empty curriculum? It was obvious he would have to take an “alternative” route.

The countryside wasn’t a bad place to start as security was low. He could go around houses at night and steal valuable things, perhaps even a car. There were cannabis plantations here and there which could fetch a good price in the city. He also lived with a kind woman who had received him after a long time of drifting from place to place. He was certain she kept some savings somewhere around the house and it was just a matter of finding them. His handaxe was all he needed. If he found resistance, he could just kill and always be on the move.

“Ok stop!”, he told himself, snapping out of the dark train of thought that had taken over him. He sat on the ground to meditate, only this time it would not be messages of love that landed on his consciousness.

To be continued…

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