Die Hard 2½

The following is my screenplay for the comedy-thriller - Die Hard 2½. Hope you enjoy!

DIE HARD 2½

By
royalpeon
Plot overview:
After Holly has been killed by a coconut to the head on their summer vacation in Norway, John is down and out. Suspended for police brutality, he binge-watches Netflix. However, once again a new threat emerges on a new X-mas and our tenacious everyday hero must spring into action to save the day.

CAST:
John McClane – Bruce Willis
Clyde Harper (Bad Guy) – Unknown cheap actor
Random Jerk – Andy Samberg
Leading Police Officer – Unknow cheap and fat actor
Hansen – Carmen Electra
Billy – Rob Schneider

TAGLINE
Die hard like a diamond!

SCREENPLAY

FADE IN.
SCENE: BLACK BACKGROUND WHITE TEXT.
Time ~0:00-1:27
Text explains how Holly McClane died, that John is suspended and whatnot.
CUT TO.

SCENE: JOHN’S LIVING ROOM. AFTERNOON.
Time ~1:28-3:45
ACTION
John is sitting in a couch watching Netflix with a Pringles™ can in one hand, casually chomping through them. Next to him lies many emptied cans. On the table in front of the couch, and overfilled ashtray, empty beer cans and Pepsi™ bottles. Form the TV – sounds from The Room™. Several times John waves the can in an obvious way, that helps the viewer see the brand.
John takes a photo of him and Holly that stood on some empty beer cans, holds it close to his chest and yells out with his mouth full of chips that spill out everywhere like ash and lave from an explosive volcano.
John puts down the photo and takes a bottle of cheap brandy in a way that exposes the brand to the viewer, takes a large gulp and throws the bottle violently into the TV, breaking both, while screaming. The sound from The Room™ stops.
DISSOLVE.

SCENE: BAD GUY DIAMOND HEIST. NEAR ATLANTA. DAY.
Time ~3:46-6:01
Possibly explain via white texts on black screens or by use free creative commons or stock footage, due to..budget reasons.
ACTION
Clyde who is videogame obsessed nerd, takes a diamond factory hostage. The workers and leaders of the factory are led to a room filled with explosives, while the Clyde’s henchmen loot the factory. The room with the prisoners is rigged to explode if the authorities try anything. The authorities try a rescue operation but fail when the SWAT team demands hazard pay. The governments budget has all been spent on tax cuts to the wealthy, so a standstill ensues.
Clyde demand they send in John McClane alone and unarmed, so McClane can solve the situation like in a video game.
CUT TO.

SCENE: INSIDE RANDOM AIRPLANE PROB. NIGHT, MIGHT BE DAY
Time ~6:02-12:25
ACTION
John McClane character is unhappy with how his steak is cooked. He asked for rare and it was medium-rare. He complains to a steward, then escalates by asking for the manager (captain). The captain comes down to John’s seat. John complains his complaint is dismissed. John pushes the steward away and grabs the captain by the collar and headbutts him through the window; then carefully sits down and straps on his seatbelt.
Steward walks toward John’s seat:

STEWARD
“Is everything good?”
JOHN MCCLANE
“Look at this steak! It’s not the way I wanted it!”
STEWARD
“Sorry sir, we only have these flight meals.”
JOHN MCCLANE
“I said I wanted my steak rare. THIS IS MEDIUM-RARE!”
STEWARD
“Look sir, I wish there was something we could do. Would you like another…”
JOHN MCCLANE cuts him off
“I want to talk to your boss, the captain. NOW!”
STEWARD
“Sir, this is not something he deals with…”
JOHN MCCLANE cuts him off
“NOW, NOW, NOW!!!”
Captain approaches, having already heard the noise.
CAPTAIN
“What seems to be the problem sir?”
JOHN MCCLANE
“SEEMS?! PROBLEM?!”
John stands up, pushes the steward into some sitting passengers, grabs the captain by the collar and headbutts him through the window, then sits down casually and straps on seatbelt.

CUT TO.

SCENE: GROUNDED AIRPLANE. DAY.
Time ~12:26-13:02
ACTION
John is brought into custody. No dialogue. John looks cheerful.
CUT TO.

SCENE: NON-DESCRIPT POLICE STATION HOLDING CELL. DAY.
Time ~13:03-15:02
ACTION
John is released as it turned out the captain of the plane was Hans Gruber’s brother and he was using the plane to smuggle heroin for kids.
Prison guard walks to cell to release John:

PRISON GUARD
“You’re free to go.”
JOHN MCCLANE
“Ok.”
PRISON GUARD
“You might be interested to know why.”
JOHN MCCLANE
“No.”
PRISON GUARD
“It’s because the captain of the plane turned out to be Hans Gruber’s brother and he was using the plane to smuggle heroin for kids. He was on the FBI’s most wanted list.”
JOHN MCCLANE
Stares unconvincingly at the wall.
PRISON GUARD
“Any who, you’re free to go now.”
Unlocks cell door.
“Merry Christmas.”
JOHN MCCLANE
“Yes.”
CUT TO.

SCENE: INTERMISSION. BLACK SCREEN.
Time 15:03-16:03
Countdown of 60 seconds in Inuit language spelling out the numbers as text.
DISSOLVE.

SCENE: STREET IN DOWNTOWN ATLANTA ON THE WAY TO THE POLICE BLOCKADE. DAY.
Time ~16:04-18:23
ACTION
John has just bought a bologna sandwich, but a passing jerk rips it out of his hands and throws it on the ground with a vicious look on his face.
John then kicks the jerk in the balls and puts a knee in the crumbling man’s face.
As John is towering over the jerk squirming in agony:

JOHN MCCLANE
“Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!”
CUT TO.

SCENE: JOHN ARRIVES AT POLICE ROADBLOCK NEAR DIAMOND FACTORY. DAY.
Time ~18:24-23:34
ACTION
John surveys the scene, meets the leading police officer.

LEADING POLICE OFFICE
“…so that’s the layout for ya. Clyde Harper has taken the entire diamond factory hostage. And we cannot dislodge him. However, we have an out. He requested that you go in there alone.”
JOHN MCCLANE
“I can’t.”
LEADING POLICE OFFICER
“What do you mean you can’t?!”
JOHN MCCLANE
“I’m suspended.”
LEADING POLICE OFFICER
“We’ll cancel your suspension!”
JOHN MCCLANE
“I’ll need that in writing though.”
LEADING POLICE OFFICER
Now getting red-faced and flustered.
“Detective Hansen, can you fix up a contract please?”
Detective Hansen returns shortly after with a newly printed reinstatement contract.
JOHN MCCLANE
“I don’t like the numbers on this. The hazard pay is also missing. I don’t think I can sign this to be honest.”
LEADING POLICE OFFICER
Sends Hansen back to the squad car to print out a new contract with much better numbers and hazard pay. Hansen dutifully returns with the contract.
“How about this?”
JOHN MCCLANE
Signs contract.
LEADING POLICE OFFICER
“Great, let’s come up with a plan.”
JOHN MCCLANE
“No.”
LEADING POLICE OFFICER
Getting red-faced again.
“What do you mean, no?!”
JOHN MCCLANE
“I have 2 months paid vacation. I would like to take it now.”
LEADING POLICE OFFICER
Hands on head gripping angrily onto grey hair.
“WHAT THE FUCK!? WHAT THE FUCK!? We just re-instated you, so you could help us with this case, and you just leave???”
JOHN MCCLANE
“This seems dangerous.”
LEADING POLICE OFFICER
“Well of course it is dangerous! But we need to save the hostages!”
JOHN MCCLANE
“Correction, you need to save the hostages.”
LEADING POLICE OFFICER
Throws radio into the ground and kicks a squad car tire injuring himself.
“FUCK! You asshole!”
JOHN MCCLANE
Now looking a detective Hansen.
“How would you like to go to my beach hut at the Bahamas?”
HANSEN
She turns to LEADING POLICE OFFICER and resigns on the spot and the grounds of lacking hazard pay. Then turns to JOHN MCCLANE.
“Yes!”
LEADING POLICE OFFICER
Completely tomato red-faced, grabs his hat and starts biting it in frustration.
DISSOLVE.

SCENE: BAHAMAS BEACH. DAY.
Time ~23:35-30:46
Mostly clips. Liberal use of stock footage and creative commons footage.
ACTION
John and detective Hansen frolicking around on the beach. Random shots showing waves, palm trees, huts, tiny fishing boats and beachgoers having fun.
John and detective Hansen playing beach volley, eating seafood. John puking after getting food-poisoning. A swimming pool, hotels, paragliders, surfers and sunbathers.
QUICK CUT TO.

SCENE: JOHN AND HANSEN SITTING AT TABLE BY BEACH HUT. DAY. SUNNY.
Time ~30:47-34:15
Setting is a beach table in the sand with a parasol and colorful drinks and watermelon slices on the table. John is reading the Wall Street Journal and Hansen is reading a dictionary.
ACTION
Sitting across from each other.

JOHN MCCLANE
“Do you think I should invest in Tesla?!”
HANSEN
“I don’t know. Did you know that a group of ravens was called an unkindness of ravens? That a little harsh. Why not call them a bunch of ravens. Or a litter.”
JOHN MCCLANE
“So what about GM. They’re playing catch-up, but they’ve got the factories and the batteries. Should I invest in them?”
HANSEN
“I don’t know. Did you know that a group of curs was called a cowardice of curs? Isn’t it cruel enough that they’re mongrels? They should be called a pack of curs!”
JOHN MCCLANE
“Hmm. This investing is difficult. Nobody knew it was that difficult. I think I’ll put my money on this Nikola company. It sounds like the future. Don’t you think?”
HANSEN
“I don’t know. Did you know that a group of women was called a gaggle of women!?? That’s it! I’ve had it with men! You ruin everything!”
Hansen puts down dictionary, rushes to her feet, spills the rest of her drink in John McClane’s face and storms off.
DISSOLVE.

SCENE: BAD GUY ARRIVES ON BAHAMIAN BEACH IN SPACE-X ROCKET. DAY.
Time ~34:16-37:50
Liberal use of stock footage from SpaceX boosters returning to landing pads.
ACTION
Clyde arrives in a SpaceX booster rocket. Footage shows landing and Clyde leaving from an inexpensive prop rocket. Clyde is visibly scarred and injured.
CUT TO.

SCENE: COMMERCIAL BREAK.
Time ~37:51-44:20
ACTION
Commercials in which the actors advertise the products and break the 4th wall.
The commercials are in order: Pringles™, Pepsi™, Cohiba Cigars™ and Pringles™ again.
CUT TO.

SCENE: BRIDAL SUITE AT HOTEL CLOSE TO JOHN MCCLANES HUT. DAY.
Time ~44:21-50:12
ACTION
John McClane, now in a foul mood, stalks the bridal suite of a nearby hotel. As the newlywed couple starts to have fun in the kingsize bed, John sneaks through the garden door and empties a box of scorpions on the floor of the hotel room, then closes the garden door and leaves.
CUT TO.

SCENE: CAFÉ-LINED ROAD NEAR THE BEACH. DAY.
Time ~50:13-54:01
ACTION
John McClane is driving up and down the road revving up his engine to harass the café guests as much as possible. On the passenger seat is a basket of chopped up durian fruit, which John throws after various café guests.
CUT TO.

SCENE: OUTSIDE A GARDEN POOL PARTY. DAY.
Time ~54:02-57:12
ACTION
John McClane wearing a beekeeper outfit is standing next to a churning cement mixer behind the villas street facing hedge. There’s no cement in the mixer, but instead 5-6 hornets nests. John picks them out one by one and lobs them into different areas of the garden to maximize the effect. Soon screams and panic starts and John leaves the scene in his car giggling.
CUT TO.

SCENE: BEACH NEAR JOHN’S BEACH HUT. EVENING.
Time ~57:13-60:34
ACTION
John is lying in the surf. His rage finally quelled, he has a drink in one hand and eats painkillers with the other hand. He is listening to Bob Marley from speakers on the beach. He screams “HANSEN!” at the sea. Then he lists his LA house for sale on Zillow for $500,000, but due to his inebriated condition and the lack of decent Wi-Fi he lists it for $50,000. He is unaware of this mistake.
CUT TO.

SCENE: JOHN’S BEACH HUT. NOON.
Time ~60:35-64:43
The place is completely trashed. And John is lying on the floor next to several sleeping wild dogs and a hog. A guy named Billy who is sleeping in the kitchen is introduced.
ACTION
John wakes up. He’s clearly dazed and confused. On his way to the fridge he trips over a sleeping dog and nearly falls cursing. As he opens the fridge, several beers bottles fall out and shatter as they hit the floor. John finds an ice-cold Corona™ beer, holds it up so the logo is shown to the audience, then walks over to Billy who is sleeping with his upper body on the kitchen table. John pours ice-cold beer in Billy’s ear, which causes Billy to wake up slowly and with wriggling and twisting movements.

BILLY
“Unintelligible.”
“Unintelligible.”
“What time is it?”
JOHN MCCLANE
“No, I don’t have any fucking limes!”
John throws a Pringels™ can at Billy. And exits to the sandy garden.
CUT TO.

SCENE: TABLE BY JOHN’S BEACH HUT. NOON. SUNNY.
Time ~64:44-74:45
Setting at beach hut. Hansen returns. Hansen and John McClane reconciliate. The happiness is then interrupted by Bad Guy.
ACTION
John is sitting at the table making a severely strong mojito. He takes a large sip and grimaces. Hansen strolls out of the bushes nearer to the beach. As they see each other, she runs over to John and she sits on his lap and they embrace. John drops his drink and looks at the same time angry and happy.

HANSEN
“I should have never left you alone here.”
JOHN MCCLANE
“I’m glad you’re back, but could you please mind my drink?”
HANSEN
“Oh, I’m just happy to see you again.”
JOHN MCCLANE
“I agree.”
Clyde enters scene. He has visible burn scars.
CLYDE
“You never thought you’d see me again, did you John!? You see, what happened after you declined to enter my perfect maze of despair, the police sent in a predator drone that launched a missile at the diamond factory. This missile was so powerful, that it activated the explosive-filled room with the hostages and it alt went haywire from there on. I barely escaped alive.”
HANSEN
“Shut up, fiend!”
JOHN MCCLANE
“Look buddy. We didn’t ask for your life-story. Please learn the errors of you way and report to the nearest police station.”
Clyde raises a submachinegun.
Billy charges out of the house and runs straight at Clyde, with his arms flailing in some form of attack. Clyde easily dodges Billy’s attack and punches him with a solid fist to the gut. Billy collapses in a heap and starts crying loudly.
JOHN MCCLANE
“Motherfucker!”
CLYDE
With mocking gestures.
“That’s right John, I fucked your mom.”
Clyde rolling eyes.
JOHN MCCLANE
“Now you’ve done it!”
John throws Hansen into Clyde, who drops the submachinegun. This knocks Hansen out. John then proceeds to dropkick Clyde into the wall of the beach hut. Clyde then attempts a double-fisted punch at John, but somehow misses and falls into the table shattering it. Clyde then spits a gum after John, which John dodges. Clyde then picks up a board from the shattered table, and uses it as a club against John. This gives Clyde the upper hand, and he beats John around with it. Then as Clyde is about to stab John with the board’s sharp end, the hog charges Clyde and gores him in the thigh. John then kicks the board out of Clyde's hand. John punches Clyde in the balls, and the now awakened wild dogs come out to finish the job. As the hog and the dogs eat the now deceased Clyde, John tends to the injured Hansen and Billy.
CUT TO.

SCENE: BEACH. JOHN, HANSEN AND BILLY IN DECK CHAIRS. NOON. SUNNY.
Time ~74:46-80:00
John, Hansen and Billy are relaxing by the beach under the shade of palm trees. John is having a beer, Hansen a drink and Billy is piling up coconut drinks in a stack by his chair.
ACTION

HANSEN
“What a beautiful place this is.”
JOHN MCCLANE
“It definitely has its charm.”
BILLY
“It’s like just out of a James Bond movie of something.”
JOHN AND HANSEN
“Shut up, Billy!”
A pair of beautiful women walks by. Billy first tries to hit on one, but after he fails he tries to hit on the second. As he tries to steal a completely unwarranted kiss, he receives a slap and a knee in the crotch. Billy then begins to cry loudly.
JOHN
Looking at Hansen intensely.
“This is perfect.”
HANSEN
Distracted, trying to force the words of her dictionary into a sudoku.
“Yeah, I guess so…”
A clerk serves John with several subpoenas related to disturbing the peace and reckless endangerment. John rips them apart, but the clerk insist he has been served. The clerk stubbornly refuses to leave, but just stands next to John staring. John then stops a passing waiter and tells the waiter that the clerk fucked the waiter’s wife (while knowing full well it was Billy). The clerk starts to object, but quickly turns to run as the furious and red-faced waiter starts to move toward him.
HANSEN
“Wasn’t it Billy who…”
JOHN MCCLANE
“Yes.”

FADE OUT.

THE END