Disclaimer: These thoughts are entirely mine.. It's not my intention to convince anyone about these, nor do I insist that anyone agree with me..
This line of thought has been running in my mind for a long time now.. I suppose it can be attributed to the happenings around the world, the things I hear and also read about.. If we start asking ourselves this question, I think we may all end up in a confused state of mind..
To start with, I keep hearing many married people (especially recently married) say that life had changed so much, that they had changed much from what they were before marriage.. If we ask why, they will present several reasons, most of them revolving around issues that become apparent when two people start living together – how much each person has to sacrifice so that life runs smoothly, with love and care for each other, etc.. Most folks who hear this tend to agree, and concur that one should indeed change oneself to have a happy family life..
However, I completely disagree with this point!!
Yes, you can make sacrifices for the family, and you can ignore many things in life that you really want to do, or sometimes postpone decisions for the sake of the family, but that does not mean you change yourselves!! You can still like what you like, love what you love to do, and still hang on to your heart’s desires, but not take any action on them.. When you are not doing those things you really love or like to do, I would say that you should let your partner know of this – that you like or love these things, but that you are letting go for the sake of the family.. Again, this has to come from your love for the other person, and not just to show that you are making a sacrifice.. By doing this, you still remain what you really are.. By expressing your desires, likes, and dislikes to your partner, he or she also gets to know exactly what you are. You might be surprised: when you start expressing yourself, you will also get to know many likes, dislikes, deepest wishes, and desires of your partner..
I recently read a write-up by a friend, on how much fear we carry inside ourselves when it comes to love.. I think this is the same fear that we carry inside us when it comes to expressing what we are, what we really like, and what we dislike..
Sometime back, I asked my aunt if there was one thing that she really wanted, but could not have or do, because of the fear of what others in the family might think.. Her answer was surprising.. She said she wanted to wear a chudidar once.. She said that she had still not done it, because of this fear.. Although she had seen many people of her age, and even older, wear chudidars, she had still not been able to break the mental shackles.. I was shocked but at the same time felt happy that she could at least say out aloud what she wanted to do..
Do you think this fear of “what others will think” happens only with family members??
No!! I have seen this happening in friend circles too.. I hear sometimes that we have to change ourselves, since the world will not change for us.. Here, the world being referred to would be the family and friend circle that they have.. What they are trying to do is to change themselves in order to make every other person in this world happy, or to create a good impression on them, no matter how much they are required to change themselves.. My question to those people is simple.. When the world does not want to change for you, why the hell should you change for the sake of the world??
A while back, I used to ask myself: Do I portray myself differently to different people as per their likes and dislikes, and not being who I really am?? After a good deal of thought, I have concluded that I have not changed myself for the sake of different people.. It’s just that I choose only those kind of subjects for discussion on which my views and the other person’s are not radically different.. In these discussions too, I have tried to remain rooted on what I believe in..
Now, let us examine what really happens when we try to be someone else for the sake of others.. I feel we can never satisfy everyone around us by being what they want us to be.. Hence, such attempts will end up with us being neither who they want us to be, nor who we really are.. We will end up as someone whom we don’t really know.. Consequences?? We will end up not sharing our deepest desires with our partners, thinking ‘what will he/she think about me’, because most times our deepest wishes can be varied.. And by choosing not to tell that, there is no chance that, you might fulfill it in this lifetime.. We may also end up never telling our best friends if we disliked something they did, because of the fear that they might think badly about you.. ‘If I say anything, will I ruin our friendship?’.. We often choose to hide things from a friend, or don’t wish to tell the truth to a friend, saying we don’t want to hurt that person, which on first look shows very good care for that person’s feelings.. However, if you start to look deep inside, you will often find that it is not the care factor that is stopping you, but the thought that your friend might think badly about you..
Try taking a break and looking back at yourself.. You will realize that at least some of your actions were intended just to please others or not to hurt others.. What we nurture by not hurting anyone and pleasing everyone cannot be real love, because real love cannot come from the fear inside you – a fear we carry about all relations, of losing friends, of what others will think about you, of making the other person feel bad if you let him/her know who/what you really are/think.. The moment we take out this fear, we can be ourselves, and at least others will know that this is what we really are.. By doing this, you will also shatter a great amount of ego within you, which will enable you to love others without any barriers..
