Being single, on my own - my opinion

I'm not a loser, not lonely and it's not that no one shows interest in me as a partner but let's say I'm not easy to get and by now I'm not to get.
I can honestly say I tried but since I'm the product of my childhood and the way people treated me I am not that caring, loving, sharing person without a voice anymore.
I figured out a partner doesn't make me feel complete. At times I ask myself if children made me complete. Back then, it was a choice, part of how I'm raised. Being a mother, to find it normal to have children. I never had much thought about it. I have children, and gave birth in a natural way, at home since what you are raised with is normal.

I doubt I'm a perfect mother, a born parent like some are.
A big family, children, and a job are not what makes me complete. I've been a workaholic for many years. I worked, worked and worked. I worked in the daytime and the biggest part of the night next to raising mine and others' children and trying to keep everything as clean as possible. I cooked, baked everything homemade. No packages, canned or fast food till the moment came I decided it's better to give up on some parts that made my life more difficult. There's no need to try to be 'perfect' and always be responsible. With children, you can build a team too.

In my childhood I never skipped school, at my work I always showed up and for years I never had a vacation because of a lack of employees. I took the responsibility for myself, the children, and others but looking back it brought me nothing except for being exhausted. No matter how hard I tried to be present, how I invested in school (I was the helping hand), scouting, at the work and in my children I don't feel as if it or I made a difference. Being helpful rarely made me feel better and after a life of socializing, I can say I never made friends.
People liked me, knocked at my door for help, and children and friends came over to play at my home but as I finally knocked no one was home.

As years passed by I noticed I'm always that helping hand, that rock people need and build on.
It's a society that always yells people are selfish but in reality, the screamers are the selfish people. Kind, attentive, helpful people are generally attracting parasites who are manipulated and abused. If I knocked there was no one home, no one ever invited me for Christmas, New Year's Eve or called how I'm doing. I decided to try it out and not to call the family members and friends on Fridays for a change. I called them to ask how they are doing and to wish them a great weekend. Each one of them was so used to me doing this. From the moment I gave up on that habit I never heard of those people again. Not one of them called me and asked me how I'm doing not even granny. Once I was aware they didn't care, didn't miss me I knew I am on my own and have to be my own best friend.
I started investing in myself, and am still working on it. Old habits aren't easy to change besides as a single parent spare time is limited.
It's not that I complain about how my life developed because it could have been so much worse. I still remember how my childhood was, the anger, the fear, hate, and molesting. All I wanted back then is peace, peace of mind and the chance to sleep safely. No fights, not hearing the voice of my mother and today that's still what I want. I don't want to do concessions or compromises to please someone in the name of love.

After the nightmares, the moment of awareness came.
Once I realized the house I live in is mine, I can keep the front door closed, I don't need to answer the phone and have the right to fight for me, say what's on my mind my life changed. It changed in a positive way, as I stopped pleasing others, and told myself: I can say 'no' and no one can hurt me since that hurt. The worst thing that could happen to me was being killed. Being beaten close to death, being strangled I've been more than once, I had it all behind me. I had nothing to lose and knew how to deal with it. Back then I fought to be free, fought to be me and be left alone.
Indeed I kept the front door closed (literally) and the curtains too. It helped me and made me feel good. By the way, I never rang to complain about the neighbours, or family although, it's what many did to me (preferable anonymous although anonymously isn't anonymous I can tell you that. If you want you can always find out who made that call, who hates you that much and is willing to invest energy in breaking you.).

If you always work like me, if your agenda has more appointments, and to-do lists then there is blank paper to write on you'll wake up one day and realize life passed fast.
You realize there was a time you had wishes, dreams and goals. Like many, I feel sad at times but these feelings aren't real. It's not that I never achieved 'anything' I did since I lived. I lived a different life, perhaps one of working, studying, and fighting for a better future for me and my children while raising them. I did more than just something.
Today I believe all those studies are a waste of time, energy and money. I wished I wouldn't have done it and used my time and money for something else but the thing is I didn't. I can't change my life, my decisions of the past. I did what I thought was the right thing to do.

There's no need to be negative, no need to regret what I did. I know how my childhood was and I remember it clearly. Those memories will never vanish. Surviving, and managing is already something great.

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