Let Me "Help" You Change

• It's their first date. The chemistry is through the roof. They share tons of significant, oddball similarities. But... She thinks smoking is disgusting. He's a smoker who claims he's quitting. He's in recovery for alcoholism and can't stand being around social drinking. She relishes an excellent, fine wine with dinner but figures it's no biggie to give it up for someone she loves.

Fast forward a few months.... Fights erupt about how they can "help" each other change their habits. Neither feels free to "just be" or act naturally. Resentment accumulates and ultimately grows stronger than the commonalities that would bond them together.

• Oops! You Did It...Again

"It's your turn to clean the bathroom and take out the trash, and you just happen to have a meeting to go to again. Right. You just want me to do your work for you!"

When one person takes on a pattern of accusation, it's like they keep pre-deciding that the other is guilty. It puts the accused on the defense. It doesn't invite them into a problem-solving conversation.

According to Russell B. Lemle, Ph.D., the accuser's emotions may be causing them to misread their partner's behavior. They'd do better to tell their partner how they're feeling and ask for what they need.

The accuser might express exhaustion from "trying and trying" (or nagging and nagging). The accused may feel they can't win. They're likely to cut their losses and call it a day.

• I Didn't Do That...Really!

Denying responsibility for one's actions might keep one's so-called sense of peace intact, but inevitably it causes a raging torrent of stress for the other person. In fact, Personal Development Coach Angela Chernoff calls denying responsibility toxic.

Take this conversation, for example: "Hey, check out this prune. It's like your face, only less wrinkly." "Ouch, are you saying I look old?" "I was only kidding. Don't take me so seriously!"

Or, this scenario: "I saw you talking to that super ripped guy at the party. It seemed like he was flirting with you. Were you flirting back? "Oh come on. I was just being nice. As if."

Denying is lying. Taking responsibility for one's actions, feelings, or motives can reverse a negative cycle. Otherwise, denial will poison and kill the relationship.