SteemitPhilippines Challenge|| " My New Year Goals"

T'was October 16, 2022 when the strongest typhoon in my life had happened that was stronger than Odette. A typhoon that smashed me personally and left me lifeless. That typhoon in my life that I thought will never ever happen to me. But yes! It did happen and in just one blink of an eye, my life has changed and turned into misery and in chaos since then...

I can still recall the last month that I posted here, t'was 7 months ago. I lost interest because what I have experienced for the past few months was merely not a joke. I even stopped posting here (steemit) because I can't find myself, I can't focus, I am bothered. My mind was recreating thoughts that I don't think are fair enough to my partner. T'was after typhoon Odette when I can barely see the red flags that "infidelity" is happening. But I can't drive myself to believe in my own instinct because sometimes it will mislead you to the truth and you will end up bearing the guilt for doubting or suspecting especially to the one you love. I hate being suspicious of everything but sometimes, that gut feeling always seems to be right at the end. Time is the ultimate truth teller, that is true. Middle of June, I received random messages from a stranger giving me hints that my partner is cheating on me. "Look after your partner because he has another woman", "I am just helping you, thank me later". Those are some random messages I received. My hands were shaking and my tears voluntarily ran into my disappointed face while reading it. I lost my emotions and rushed to get home. I threw myself in the bed because I felt a heavy load inside me. My tears are still pouring continuously accompanied by mixed emotions of sadness, doubt and hatred . When my partner got home I confronted him, with teary eyes and a sorrowful face. Good thing he denies it and the pain lessens though the suspicion is still there. His expression is blank and quickly composed dumb reasons. He said he was maybe being black mailed by someone who held grudges towards him a long time ago. He was just really a good player to make me believe his lies. Foolish me to believe those excuses!

And I move on to that feeling, he told me it's not true so why grieving for unreasonable things right? I refused to believe my instinct too and just chose to refocus myself to the positive things. I preoccupied my mind to work hard for daily survival while studying late at night preparing for my upcoming board exam in November. T'was middle of September when I received random messages again, from another stranger."Eye opener for the truth", "She is Miss "R", "Don't miss this message" . Those are some of the messages and that stranger even gave me an FB account of a certain girl. I stalk her but I don't find any hints and don't want to confront this girl directly because I have no proof or strong basis, this might be another blackmail and shame on me if I accuse someone else easily. So I screenshot all the messages and send them to him. But he neglected it, I received no explanation, no clarification, no justification, but just a simple word "We will talk about it".

I was puzzled by his response. Should I believe those anonymous strangers sending random messages to me? Should I believe in my instinct that there is really cheating that happened or should I believe in his sugar coated words that in the right time, he will marry me, that he has a pure heart and good intentions to me, to our family because he sacrifices a lot in the name of our family? I want to explode! I can't get an answer to everything that is disturbing my inner peace. Contrary to what I felt, he was unbothered, he was playing innocent like nothing happened at all and I was so foolish to believe his calmness in spite of the situation. The truth is knocking on the doorstep of our lives but it's me who refuses to open and unveil the truth because though I was eager to know the truth, certainly I have this feeling of being afraid of what really the truth is.

October 14, 2022 evening when he is nowhere to be found in each corner of the house, I message him where he is but say "just chilling with friends". Again my mind was trembling just like troubled water. My imagination bothers me and I ended up stalking again the FB account that was sent to me by a stranger and still no hint, because there's no name, no pictures, just a code name. A brilliant idea crossed my mind, I copied the code name and went to Instagram and pasted it and then boom!, the complete name displayed that starts with "R". I got the answer real quick! Not clear but sure! This is the girl and there is infidelity. I sent him a message again mentioning the complete name of the girl I just discovered and got no reply, I even called him countless times but he rejected it.

Already 1:00 am when he arrived home. I didn't sleep and just waited for him. I confronted him straight to the face, eye to eye with all anger and started acting wild, unconscious with the environment because the anger was dominant and my knees were shaking. My heart was overflowing with trouble and was eager to know the whole truth. He got his cell phone from his pocket and showed me a picture. I refuse to look! I want the truth! I yielded to him because I lost my temper. "I have no time for picture viewing or whatsoever!, just tell me the truth!". He is just standing firm right in front of me still holding his phone and the screen in my face. So I decided to glance at the picture, the truth slapped me the hardest. It was a live birth certificate with a girl's name with his surname, dated October 03, 2022 and the mothers name was the girl whom I stalked with. Suddenly, my world paused for a moment, my sight darkened and I was choked, I couldn't move, my whole body was paralyzed and I fainted. It's not just a simple cheat, but it was beyond my expectation, even the worst, this can't be true! this is absolutely - a nightmare, I want to wake up....

What happened next is that I found myself in the dark corner of the room sitting on the floor with my chin over my bent knees, with a river of tears that was dripping down endlessly, covering my mouth with both hands trying not to scream out loud. The truth was being served. I felt all the emotions, anger, hatred, self pity, feeling useless, not enough, garbage and all!. I want to run, to hide from the hurtful truth! I want to disappear and gone forever! I was drowned by my own sorrow. That time, I wish there's a reset button, probably I will push as quickly as I can so that I wont feel the utmost pain. That moment was tragic. I felt uneasy, unexplainable feelings yet the only clear to me is the feeling of hatred. Literally speaking, I want to die from that moment on! yeah, seriously! I can't calm myself. The pain is unbearable. I don't exactly know what to do. And he didn't try to utter any words of comfort, not even a single apology or give me his shoulder to cry on either or hug me in the midst of pain and sorrow, none of them. I only have myself at that time, weary and heartbroken. I glanced at my innocent son who was sleeping peacefully in the middle of the night. I realized for a moment that if I end my life, what about him? He's only two years old and very dependent on me. I should consider him too, at this lowest moment, I should not act selfishly, this too shall pass. I take a deep breath.

After all that happened, I stayed, yes I did ! He didn't ask or beg but I chose to stay. In the name of love and in the name of the family I played the role of a martyr and that's bulshit!. I chose to face every ghost of the past. Let the pain he caused kills me softly every single day. I endured and embraced the sadness just to give it a try, hoping that everything will work just the way it is. Trying to fix myself, trying not to bleed but deep inside my soul was dead. I have no focus at work, just find myself everyday wiping some undesirable tears in my cheeks, staring into nothingness. Good thing there's a mask that no one can even notice. I never attended our review for the board exam until it ended and didn't even study at all. It was useless, I couldn't focus and my mind was nailed in the trauma, in the pain, in sorrow. The day of the board exam has come and the result was released 5 days after and yes! As expected, I FAILED...I'm such a loser! a complete failure! I burst out to tears and even questioned God for his will. Why do you let bad things happen to good people? Why did you let me down and left me just when I needed you the most? Why didn't you give me the things that I prayed for, instead you give me challenges that I can't handle? Am I here in this world just to cry and suffer ? Are you happy to witness me slowly losing myself? Why?...

Those are the questions that have never been answered until now. But I continue life at its lowest. Well I have no choice! I pulled myself so hard to stand up and recreate the broken pieces of me because no one can do it but only myself. I tried, God knows how much I tried to act simply like it seems everything is okay. But deep inside my heart, I am still grieving. I stayed still in spite of it all, living with all the pain. We fight every now and then because I have totally no single percent trust for him. Lately, he pushes us away in his life because he wants to be happy and if we still keep fighting we are not living a happy life then, and no one can blame me for acting childish or strange. I was betrayed, I was hurt and I don't need anybody to validate what I feel. Cause it's not easy to be in my shoes right now. I am blaming this world for making me evil inside, that cruel thing that happened to me has transformed me into hard just like a stone. This was not me already but it's my evil version. I even curse them for giving me so much, so much, so much pain....

For now, my new year goal is a complete healing and unconditional forgiveness to all who have caused me pain. I was starting to make up my mind whether to stay or set him free and forget the happy and complete family that I aim for. I don't know how I was able to survive the past stormy months in my life but I will still go on in my life even if I can't find the right directions and even ahead of me were dark clouds full of hurtful memories. I'll keep goin! My son needs me, I know he can feel my pain but can't express it yet. I wish for a complete and happy family but it is impossible now, I prayed for a successful career but the same thing was never granted. I am very disappointed with what my life has turned out to be. But after all I have gone through, I know God is still with me even though I doubted him many times. I don't know what the world has to offer me in the future but the only one thing I'd ask for is a "peaceful life" for now. I want to recharge, renew and redirect my life to its purpose. That devastating event in my life might be the key to straightening my faith even more, reconnecting my life to God once again and to leave according to his commands. I hope and pray that the pain will end not maybe today but soon...

Might not be a very inspirable story but thanks everyone for reading. Would be appreciated if you would drop some golden advices. I'm inviting my friends to join this contest ma'am @yoieuqudniram, @emzcas and @jes88.