I grew up in the mid-nineties, before the majority of people knew or understood the internet – – when the most popular piece of junk mail was an AOL CD. The young men I dated had to rent or borrow porn on VHS tapes or buy Hustler at the corner drugstore. There was only so much of a stash you could hide from your Mom or store in your dorm room. When I was growing up, the digital porn industry didn’t yet have its foothold.
At 39, I’m old enough to remember what it was like to be with a fumbling and eager younger guy. A guy uninfluenced by porn, who knew nothing but what his last girlfriend taught him. At 39, I’m also young enough to now know what it’s like to hook up with someone in their late twenties who only knows what he’s learned from porn – – lots of porn. I can truly say, in absence of the ideal lover, I’d choose the former over the latter any time.
And here’s why…
Porn has its place, but it’s also set some cultural norms and personal expectations that need correcting (not preaching, just a concerned participant of pro-creation). It’s not to say older gents are off the hook. Porn has had its claws in them, too. The second most effective prescription for erectile dysfunction in the United States is to stop watching porn for two months. Physician’s fact.
So why is viewing porn such a stumbling block to becoming an amazing lover? Player? Partner? Here are the top eight porn myths debunked:
(1) Hair. Share the sunshine, right? Go bald or go broke? Let’s be clear, shaving, anywhere, is a preference. And it’s a preference up to the woman.
At some point in the nineties, I’m guessing based on my own viewing of Playboy magazines, pubic hair became a design on a bald crotch. No more were the shag carpets of yesteryear and so began the myth that bald is better.
There are so many arguments here – cleaner, easier and sexier to see are some. But the idea is, it’s not about whether you shave or not, it’s the expectation of how it looks. Whether a woman waxes or shaves, it’s not always pretty. Literally. It’s not always pretty. There is a twelve o’clock shadow and, during a regular work day, it’s likely progressed to a fine stubble right about the time when you want to get it on. There are red bumps and ingrown hairs and days you’re rushing when the bikini shave seems the easiest to forgo. If you wax, it takes 3 weeks for the hair to grow back to a length where it can be waxed again – – about a quarter of an inch, minimum. This means, hello whiffle cut until my next appointment.
Men, if hair turns you off, ask yourself what you would have done in the Playboy Mansion Grotto in the 70s. Would you really have excused yourself from the lady without a BIC? I believe you would have been far too, eh-hem, busy.
(2) Spitting. I’m not sure when vaginas became rusty coffee tins on a Southern plantation, but, somehow, spitting on them is all the fashion. Let’s get real for a moment. Unless you’re about to go anal, there is no reason for unnatural lube. If your woman is not rocking a Bon Jovi album title, it means either (1) their bodies haven’t caught up with their brains and aren’t as turned on as they are mentally yet or (2) they aren’t turned on, period, and are faking it.
Women get embarrassed, sometimes, that things take so long to get going. We go with the flow hoping our bodies will catch up quickly during the act. That lag time results in a lot of lube-less moments and, yes, we’d rather spit than go dry (or spit than choke) in those instances, but, if you have to spit, two things (1) no need to do it from 4 feet away like Pollock creating a masterpiece on canvas and (2) don’t spit on your own cock and then ask a woman to suck it. Sucking on raw egg whites is disgusting and so is sucking on someone else’s spit lube. Instead, ask to make it wet, whisper it or use your finger to seductively scoop some from her mouth to give her the hint. Men who are amazing in bed now how to ask questions and clue in without losing their mojo. It’s the art of direction.
(3) Positions Avoidant of the Clit. We’ve all been there – – you’re somewhere in your house, in an alley way, a construction site, the woods, you get the picture, and the only possible way to get it on is to drop drawers and come at it from behind. It’s the heat of the moment and you’re both ready, so, scientifically speaking, what is the likelihood in those instances the average woman will cum? What if I said it’s less than 30% due to the necessity for clitoral stimulation by most woman? No problem, right? You just rub her clit as you thrust away? Eh. No offense, but that type of move takes a type of coordination only gay lovers have been able to master. Most men end up spinning records on a turn table or washing a greased pan with a brillo pad while focusing on their immense pleasure. The reality is? We’re unlikely to cum, but we’ll still enjoy the sex because it’s exciting.
Is it okay not to cum? Of course. Women are used to it, even the ones that cum easily. We’re used to it because the timing behind hormonal build up and certain positions make spontaneous moments and movements more difficult to get off from. We know this and enjoy those moments anyhow, but we want men to (1) appreciate the indication of this – – that we find you and the moment exciting enough to engage in sex despite knowing we won’t get off (that’s a compliment!) and (2) we want men to care about having sex in clitoral stimulating positions often, so we can get off sometimes (or often), too.
I know, the clit is not the only way to please a woman, but it’s the fastest and most accurate for the majority. The clit requires rhythmic, repetitive, continuous motion for an orgasm to happen. On average, it takes two minutes or more of the same movement if there has been plenty of build up. If you’re unfamiliar with what this time frame feels like during sex, put on a three minute song the next time you go down on a woman or thrust from missionary and move to the beat of the music. See how long it takes. Get tired. Realize that’s what a woman needs and then drink a Red Bull.
(4) Deep Throat Gagging and Head Holding …and hair pulling and pinning and anything else with that sadist/masochistic spin. It’s all fun and games until someone pokes an eye, right? No, you have to get the okay first. Unless you met on an S&M site or a gothic “Darque” party where people are wearing dog collars, it’s a safe bet you have a 50/50 shot, at best, of not offending someone from any of these moves. Many women feel degraded if their head is held during oral. Many women want to be the seductress and not the seduced. It’s about control and comfort. If you’re under the belief from watching porn that the average woman happily engages in these acts to please, you’re going to be disappointed and rejected or, worse, make your partner sad inside or confused about her own needs. Truth. So, ask for your partner’s take at a non-sexual moment, like when you’re popping a zit or vacuuming your car. I bet a million bucks (not really) the conversation will lead to great sex. Why? Because care is an amazing aphrodisiac and it can turn nearly anything else into an aphrodisiac as well.
(5) Cum Shots. Let’s keep this one simple… If every time a woman came, she spit a couple tablespoons of salty egg whites onto your face, how would you feel about it? Perhaps that sounds thrilling, perhaps that sounds disgusting, perhaps it sounds messy and inconvenient, or perhaps it sounds like nothing a few baby wipes can’t handle. Well, that’s how women feel – – any or all of the above. Again, you need to ask. The last thing you want is for your woman to not give you a quickie on your way to work because she knows she’s won’t have time to reapply her make up.
(6) Moaning and Screaming. I love this one, mainly because it has to do with the taboo topic of fantasizing during sex. No one ever wants to admit that, sometimes, to push the bucket to the tipping point, you resort to a memory or a visual for that last drop – – the time a girl called you a stallion or the sound someone made when you knew they were in true ecstasy – – and, bam, orgasm.
Women do this, too. Not only do women do it, but we do it better (albeit, less efficient) with plot. The bed you two are rocking on? It’s suddenly in a ski chateau where your spouses are off with other friends to get fire wood and the two of you have been left alone to create heat. Alongside, we’re thinking about how the sheets feel soft, how the smell of your skin is amazing, how the music just changed to a new song, how you feel inside us…
Women need a lot of brain distraction to get off and brain distraction takes a bit of concentration that moaning and screaming can interrupt. When we’re one moment away from cuming, the last thing we want to do is fuck it up with a moan. We don’t want to risk instigating a creative response from a guy – – perhaps words that don’t accompany our fantasy or a change of positions. We just want to finish. So we might get the orgasm going before letting our vocal chords do the telling. Yes, we moan from pleasure and we moan because we love the sex and we moan when we’re cuming… but, sometimes, we don’t moan because, frankly, we’re concentrating on that last drop… just like you.
(7) Dirty Talk. There is a time and a place, folk… a time and a place. You’ve just proposed on the beach, she’s said yes, and the two of you are wrapped up in the most intense “From Here to Eternity” embrace with locked lips. As you exchange your “Yes’s” and “I love you’s,” you turn to your love and say, “Now baby, show me how much and taste my cock.” Say what?!?! What subservient shit did I just sign up for?! Now, home on the couch watching a movie with a hot sex scene in a stairwell accompanied by, “You know who can do it better than that?” with a wink? Fuck, let’s get it on. Time and a place, gents.
Now, there is also the topic of what kind of dirty talk. Calling a woman a whore falls alongside number four above – – it’s not wrong or right, you just need to have the talk first. Trust me, if you want to save frosty blue balls for snow cones, don’t gamble on this one. Not all women (likely a minority) think it’s hot to hear demeaning or slightly demeaning lingo.
Don’t know what defines demeaning? Would you (1) risk saying it to a Victoria Secret model if she were in your bed (2) feel comfortable knowing your Dad has said it to your Mom (3) be okay hearing your friend describe how he said it last night to the secret girl of your dreams (4) feel a rush of power greater than the rush of desire? If you still don’t know what demeaning looks or feels like, don’t have sex. Stop playing videos games, quit porn and go to therapy over your relationship with your mother. Then, watch Psycho to get an idea of the path you’re heading down.
(8) Foreplay. Nailing down foreplay is like nailing every lesson in The Godfather. And yet, it still remains the most uncharted territory of sex. Porn is to blame for setting up the worst expectations in terms of timing and moves.
In regards to timing, there is a chart…somewhere….I’ll document it later, that shows the difference between the time it takes for a woman and a man to get aroused. It’s not rocket science to figure out that men get aroused much faster and with much less stimuli than women, but how much less and how much faster? Much much much less and much much much faster. All this results in a lot of bad moves and a lot of bad sex for women.
Even when women try to slow a guy down and make out a bit longer or grope a bit longer, or put mens’ hands in places other than their breasts or between their legs, like their thighs or butt or hips or behind their knees – – anywhere to say, “Hey, Tasmanian, play with my body a bit longer before going in for the kill” – – even then, sometimes it’s just a quick clueless pass by a drive-through window.
Scientifically, once mentally engaged, it takes women about 12 minutes, on average, to get aroused and men, two minutes. In short, the minute man march is best left to those with 12 rounds.
Then there are the moves. Go straight for the downtown tunnel and you’re sure to hit traffic. Best to take the back roads and take your time getting to the center. Enjoy the ride and kiss while you do it. Kiss everywhere. It’s a simple simple formula – – creative skin on skin contact with intimate kissing for 12 minutes, minimum. Got it? No really, got it?
For those men thinking, “12 minutes? I make out for hours and engage in foreplay forever!” Next time, time it. Really look at how much time you spend before reaching for the T and the V. When we’re excited, we rush. Everyone does, it’s natural, but this is one of those instances where a bit of give results in the best get.
And, because it has to be said, if you don’t know, just ask. It’s hard. It really is hard to say, “I’m clueless,” or, “With you, I need tips,” without feeling like a little boy. I assure you, it’s worth it. It takes such bravado. It’s downright manly, sexy, caring and only a few men in our lives, if any, have done it. Stand out. Show us someone who wants to rock our world and you’ll be shown the benefit.
Few things are more important in a relationship than sexual chemistry. Few things will make a one night stand more amazing than some subtle communication. It’s worth nailing the questions and the way to ask them, in the moment and out. And with the last caveat of good communication, we come full circle. No pun intended.
So, let’s get the porn myth debunking rumors going. Let’s replace the epidemic of porn-promoted bad sex with porn-prompted masturbation during the few times we’re not having amazing sex. Let’s work together to correct, change and communicate what porn is doing wrong so we can enjoy what it’s doing right and move on.
Now, how does that sound?
Later. 🙂
