还是接着讲父亲患癌的事情。这段经历充满了悲伤、痛苦和不舍，甚至怨恨这些负面情绪，并且在半个月后仍然深深影响着我。说到怨恨，就是我始终无法理解父亲为什么会患上胰腺癌这种病。他的身体一向都非常好，甚至比我还要好，也没有什么不良嗜好，也就是年轻时抽过烟，但那一代人，有谁没抽过呢？进入老年之后，身体也没有什么大毛病，就是血糖一直控制得不好，这也是老年人中很常见的慢性病。现在回顾起来才知道，可能就是胰腺癌在作怪了。特别是在查找资料的时候发现，虽然现在胰腺癌的发病率呈上升趋势，但总体上在癌症中还是属于比较少见的，发病率只有十万分之九点几，也就是连万分之一都还差一点点。所以怨恨命运为什么要如此捉弄我的父亲和我，为什么要让我的父母相隔11年，再次面对一个几乎完全相同的结局。直到两天前，在了解到斯多葛学派中的控制二分法之后，才知道也许命运确实存在，每个人的命运或多或少都已经注定。因为有很多事情是我们无法控制的，比如自然规律和人的生老病死。如果我们将太多的专注力放在这些无法控制的事情上，我们只会收获越来越多的负面情绪，让我们的生活充满压力，久而久之，我们的身体健康也会被这些压力所摧残。在这里记录下这段经历，一是为了纪念，另一个目的也是为了接受与放下。父亲的离去已经是一个事实，无法改变，必须从悲伤中走出来，继续生活，让小宝贝健康成长，这样才是对父亲最大的安慰。
接着昨天的讲述，在父亲确诊之后的第一个月里，生活似乎又恢复了正常。但这正是胰腺癌的恐怖之处，起病非常隐蔽，没有明显和特异的症状。现代医学也缺乏早期发现的手段。尽管父亲的病情在大医院的专家看来已经很晚期了，但外表上除了比之前明显消瘦之外，并没有任何异常。当然也不是什么感觉都没有，要不然他也不会自己去看病了。主要的感觉就是上腹部不舒服，不能平躺睡觉，必须侧卧。据说大部分胰腺癌患者都会经历难以忍受的疼痛，但父亲似乎并没有这一症状。然而残酷的事实是，中药治疗并没有起到什么作用。期盼中的奇迹并没有发生，狡猾的肿瘤细胞仍然在无声无息地在父亲体内生长、转移，杀死正常的人体细胞。而胰腺癌的另一个特点就是进展迅速，一旦出现明显的症状，病人离人生的终点就已经非常接近了。
不知不觉地进入了12月份，还在庆幸父亲保持这样的状态熬过2024年可能不成问题。而在12月初，父亲在洗澡的时候发现腹部出现了明显的腹水。11年前，我母亲因为肝癌去世之前也出现了一模一样的症状。这么多天来，我也是头一次看到父亲表现出沮丧的神情，他寄予很大希望的中药还是没有起到效果。母亲的经历告诉他，出现腹水说明肝脏转移的肿瘤已经侵占了相当一部分的肝脏，剩下的正常肝脏细胞无力承担正常的肝脏功能，合成的白蛋白减少，导致血管中的液体渗透出了血管。根据我母亲的经验，到这一步——剩下的时间不会太久了。
Let's go back to my father's cancer. The experience was filled with sadness, pain and resentment, and it still deeply affects me half a month later. Speaking of resentment, I never understood why my father had pancreatic cancer. He has always been in excellent health, even better than me, and he has no bad habits, namely smoking in his youth, but who of his generation has not smoked? After entering old age, there is no big problem in the body, that is, blood sugar has been poorly controlled, which is also a very common chronic disease in the elderly. Looking back, I know it was probably pancreatic cancer. Especially when looking for information, it was found that although the incidence of pancreatic cancer is now on the rise, it is still relatively rare in cancer in general, and the incidence is only a few points in 100,000, that is, even one in 10,000 is still a little short. So I resented why fate had played such a trick on my father and me, and why my parents, 11 years apart, had to face an almost identical ending again. Until two days ago, after learning about the dichotomy of control in the Stoics, I realized that perhaps fate does exist, that everyone's fate is more or less predetermined. Because there are many things that we can't control, such as the laws of nature and human birth and death. If we focus too much on things that are out of our control, we end up with more and more negative emotions, making our lives stressful and, over time, damaging our physical health. This experience is recorded here, one is for remembrance, and the other is to accept and let go. Father's departure has been a fact, can not be changed, we must walk out of the sadness, continue to live, let the baby grow up healthy, this is the greatest comfort to the father.
Following yesterday's account, in the first month after my father's diagnosis, life seemed to return to normal. But that's the scary thing about pancreatic cancer, it starts very stealthily, with no obvious and specific symptoms. Modern medicine also lacks the means for early detection. Although my father's condition appeared to the specialists of the major hospital to be very advanced, there was nothing unusual in his appearance except that he was significantly thinner than before. Of course, he didn't feel nothing, or he wouldn't have gone to the doctor himself. The main feeling is that the upper abdomen is uncomfortable, can not sleep on the back, must lie on the side. It is said that most people with pancreatic cancer experience excruciating pain, but my father did not seem to suffer from this symptom. The harsh truth, however, is that the Chinese medicine treatment has not helped. The expected miracle did not happen, and the cunning tumor cells were still silently growing and metastasizing in the father's body, killing normal human cells. Another characteristic of pancreatic cancer is that it progresses rapidly, and once the symptoms are obvious, the patient is very close to the end of life.
I slipped into December and was glad that my father could make it through 2024 without a problem. In early December, the father found obvious ascites in his abdomen while taking a shower. Eleven years ago, my mother had exactly the same symptoms before she died of liver cancer. For the first time in many days, I had seen my father show frustration, as the Chinese medicine he had placed so much hope in had not had an effect. His mother's experience told him that the presence of ascites indicated that the liver metastasized tumor had invaded a considerable part of the liver, and the remaining normal liver cells were unable to bear the normal liver function, and the production of albumin was reduced, resulting in the fluid in the blood vessels leaking out of the blood vessels. Based on my mother's experience, at this point - there's not much time left.
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