day to day

Today I just can't regain the weight I had when I was with her, I lost about 20 kilos.

What can I say, friends, in this whirlwind of emotions I've experienced? Only God helped me move forward. I needed His entire arsenal of aid to recover, and I managed to smile and walk down the street singing. So it can be said that I'm regaining the life that was torn from me. I haven't seen my son and wife again. Of course, they arrived in Mexico and were welcomed by being taken shopping for clothes. Then they went out to dinner, and so on every day. This rich and luxurious life made life by my side seem like filth. But well, I'm rebuilding myself.
I'd say I'm 60% better or more, 70% I'd say, and there's only a remnant of sadness on some occasions. For example, I was cycling home and a feeling ran through my whole body that my family was at home, and I arrived and of course, they're not there. So these small events mobilize me. How could they forget me completely? I think that if one day in the coming months they wanted to talk to me, I don't know if I'd accept because a person who was involved in causing me so much pain and not caring, why would I give them my heart again to suffer once more?
So every day, the idea of never seeing her again and never giving her another chance becomes firmer, because we are of a religion where once married, you can't start another relationship. So she's still married to me and is alone, and I'm married to her and have to be alone and want to be alone. So sooner or later we should sort things out because that's how God wants it. It's so complicated. But I see that every day in my immense solitude, I'm learning to live. I cook, clean, pay all the bills, and go out more to visit my brother and his family and some friends, and that has been so positive that I almost believed I would never miss them again.
And still, it happens that this heart doesn't want to stop loving her, but I try to convince it that it's useless and the heart is stubborn, it doesn't understand. It created an endless, eternal love, and they're lying to it, there's no such love waiting for it. And little by little, that love is leaving and setting it free to fly far away and never again nest in such a dangerous heart that loves so deeply and doesn't want excuses, it wants that love. So my sorrows and my laughter come and go in this solitary life that I've been destined to live.
My wife is at least with my son, I'm with no one, but I always write to them and today I thought it was just to tell that I was finally happy and apparently the heart always hides a card. And it seems that time passes so slowly and nothing ever happens. I look to see if my son or my wife wrote to me somewhere, and it's been 63 days and 20 hours since I last saw them. Oh, if love were something easy, if love were just a friend, if the heart would surrender, if the heart were a coward... No, no, no. The heart loves madly, desperately, and there's no way to control it.
I dreamed the other day about her, that we were together and I treated her so well, and it was a beautiful and happy dream. And I woke up, and my bitter face was priceless. So I stopped thinking about her so that dreams and my heart would leave me alone crying. So I do many things a day to avoid thinking and thus little by little I hope I can forget her. When a month passes without remembering her, it would mean that finally, they tore out my heart to throw it in the trash.