INTRODUCTION
Crack Squirrels by Cristin O’Keefe Aptowicz appears in her 5th poetry collection entitled “Everything is Everything” and the title for her collection has a funny story to it that epitomizes the life philosophy of Ms Aptowicz. She was watching the first season of “Sesame Street” -- a much different show than the current incarnation (so much so that the DVD box carries a warning NOT to show it to young children), and she became fairly obsessed with its brazen weirdness.
One of the sketches is a Kermit the Frog “News Flash” where he is reporting on Jack Be Nimble’s attempt to jump over a candlestick. Well, in this version, Jack Be Nimble is this dazed hippie who doesn’t seem to understand the concept of “over.” He goes UNDER the candlestick. He goes AROUND the candlestick and all to the annoyance of Kermit the Frog.
The first time he makes the attempt, he yells a mantra of some sort to focus himself, “Everything is Everything!” and just starts running. Cristin adopted this manta and began intoning “Everything is Everything” whenever she attempted to do something new that she wasn’t sure she was going to do right. . . . From her book “Everything is Everything” I offer today, Crack Squirrels by Cristin O’Keefe Aptowic.z
In the mid-1980s, New York City had a serious problem and that problem was Crack Squirrels. Crack Squirrels! the newspaper headlines read. Crack Squirrels! The local news anchors intoned. Crack Squirrels! Crack Squirrels! In the mid-1980s, the Northern part of Central Park had become infested with Crack Squirrels. Wild-eyed, craven-mouthed, mad Crack Squirrels. Jonesing, addicted, twitching Crack Squirrels. Crack Squirrels who’d do anything for their next fix.
Crack Squirrels! How did this happen? The citizens of New York City asked after hearing of joggers
being attacked, of bloody scratched up school children, shaky home video footage of the swarming Crack Squirrels. Who got these squirrels so addicted to crack!? In the mid-1980s, the crack epidemic hit New York City hard. The newly minted-addicts took their rocks to Central Park to hit their high. When they were done, they left their trash behind: crack vials, dosed aluminum foil, discarded pipes. While scavenging for food, the jovial, fat and stupid squirrels of Central Park – who had been, up to this point, straight- edge vegans! – got curious and began sniffling the empty vials, licking the pipes and foil, and they liked it. They liked it a lot. They liked it too much. They became Crack Squirrels. Crack squirrels, the police officers said, are becoming a problem. The tourists don’t know any better. The injuries are no joke. Squirrels can cause some serious damage, especially Crack Squirrels. We need to detox these squirrels! said the animal rights activists. We need to sedate squirrels and bring them to a crack-free environment! No, what we need to do is kill these damn squirrels, said the republicans. The last things the taxpayers should be doing is paying for Crack Squirrels to go to rehab. What we need to do is poison them. Poison them with what, crack? said the cynics. Hey, what if a hawk ate a crack squirrel,
said the paranoid hippies. Would it become a crack hawk? Because that would be a bad scene, man. No, look, said the zoologists. Squirrels can’t survive on crack alone. These squirrels aren’t eating, they are barely drinking, they are spending their days attacking people for crack. These animals aren’t long for this world. What everyone should be focused on is how to get humans to stop taking crack, and once we’ve figured that out, the squirrel problem will take care of itself. Wait, wait, wait, what if a coyote eats a crack hawk, asked the stoner college kids, would it become a crack coyote? Seriously, I’ve heard there are coyotes like in the ramble, and imagine if those coyotes become crack coyotes. I would carry like a whole bunch of crack on me at all times, and if a crack coyote would come after me, I’d toss the crack in one direction, and run in the others, and I’d be like, “Fooled your Crack Coyote!”And I’d be alive. Nah man said his stoner friend. I’d carry the carcass of a crack hawk with me everywhere because I don’t think the crack coyote would even know what crack is, right? Think about it. Yeah well, said the stoner college kid, Good luck trying to hunt and kill a crack hawk. Cause, if that’s your plan, man, if that’s your solution to this whole thing, That’s the dumbest plan I’ve ever heard. I’m serious. The dumbest.