I don't know whether it's planetary influences, global events, the collective unconscious, or my own unspooling as a human--probably some of all of the above--but lately I've been drawn to actions that are normally uncharacteristic of me. I find myself listening to things I would normally not pay attention to, buying things I previously did not consider for one reason or other, giving gifts for no reason, making plans to do things I've never done.
Today I saw a homeless man near the entrance to a store where I went to shop. He had all of his belongings in a cart which he reorganized as his German Shepherd lay patiently on the sidewalk next to him. I can't say what it was--because I've passed countless homeless people on the streets, but something made me go back and give him the $20 bill I had in my wallet. I've maybe done that a dozen times in my life--and not that generously--but it felt like the right thing to do. At first he was spooked; I think it was a knee-jerk reaction from the times people had been mean to him. I pressed the money into his hand and said I wanted him to have it for him and his dog. He said graciously, "You saved my life." I thought, that's not true about saving his life, but walking back to my car I burst into tears. It was as if I allowed myself to feel the terrible sadness of all those whose circumstances force them to live on the street.
We gird ourselves against this palpable misery because we think to feel vulnerable each time we come upon this is to invite overwhelming grief and hopelessness. I can't say exactly what I felt--but much more than the gladness of having made someone's day. Maybe it was a feeling of filling the hole I carry inside from what wasn't given to me that should have been. Maybe it felt like giving myself unconditional love, because that's what giving is when you do it without expecting anything in return.
I know I want to do this more often, to pay more attention to those who have less than I do. Because it's kind, because I can, and because it connects me to humility, one of the finest traits a human can possess.