When you gossip, you train yourself to find the worst in yourself

I think we're all guilty of this, everyone has gossiped at some point and talked crap about someone else. Sometimes we regret it and sometimes we don't but I don't think it ever really leaves us feeling better. But the fact is that most of us do it. 

This is not to preach, I certainly have gossiped and will continue to gossip in various ways, inadvertently and unexpectedly and sometimes without even knowing I'm doing it - but I don't want to and I don't think any of us should and I'll explain to you the practical reasons of why we shouldn't gossip. 

Firstly, I always look at the times when I find myself gossiping and hear other people gossiping and I ask myself :

"How much time do I have on my hands right now?"

"If I have time to sit here and talk about someone else in this way - what is it suggesting?"

I have a rule for myself to which is: everything that I do should be moving me closer to my goals.

I of course have different goals around work, leisure and my body. That doesn't mean that everything I do every minute of the day is work cause that contributes to my career, sometimes I should do something that contributes to my goals of leisure and relaxation.

When I look at gossiping it's very hard to sway that to anyone of my goals. 

Gossiping is indicative of having too much time.

It shows that we're validated by the wrong things. So if you're talking about someone behind their back it's very indicative of where you've trained your focus to go. For example if I start talking badly about someone behind their back, normally it means that this is a way of me feeling more secure. If I could speak badly about someone else I could feel better about myself. 

The danger of gossiping is that's it's not a recipe for growth it's a recipe for shrinking.

Secondly, the more you gossip the less you feel need to grow. It's much like when your sitting in your couch watching gossip shows and gossip magazines. You don't feel much like growing then cause you feel amazing. "Look at their shitty lives, mine is pretty great! I don't need to do anything I should already pat myself on the back for how well I'm doing compared to these people."

There are growth mindsets and there are insecurity mindsets. A gossip mindset is an insecurity mindset which drives us downwards not upwards

If we would talk well of people, that would be a growth mindset, because people who are not afraid of growth are not afraid of other people growing because they actually like a bit of a competition. They like people around them who can bring them up and challenge them in new ways. 

The other problem with this which I just deluded is it shows where your focus is going. If you're gossiping more than your complementing people, your focus is trained on a negative way. You're training your mind to go to a negative instead of going to a positive. And don't ever think that it doesn't effect you in more ways than just your gossiping cause it starts to effect you in every area of your life.

Look; when you train yourself to find the worst in other people, you train yourself to find the worst in yourself. 

Instead, train yourself to find the best in people

Thirdly, it gets back to people. 

The thing about giving insults about other people, it very often helps the other person to go and tell that person that you said that. It may help them in terms of their job cause they think they can get somewhere when they turn them against you - cause guess what's a great way of connecting with someone is - revealing secrets, revealing opinions to them and go and talk to them and tell them other people said behind their back and show them that you're the one who's on their side.

So very often the incentive is high for people to start spreading insults especially because people like to gossip. So when you say something negative about a person it goes to the next person and the next person and it spreads because very often it's negative - we pass it around because it's salacious.

 We have to be very careful about our insults because they don't just go to the person we're speaking to it goes to all the other people that person is gossiping to as well. 

Now of course you're also giving the impression that you're someone who can't be trusted and let's face it any friend you have that's remotely mature or ascute will know that if your gossiping to them you'll be gossiping about them 

Compliments on the other hand travel far better than insults.

 If you can dedicate your time on complimenting people behind their back instead of insulting them you'll find that your life will change because of it. I don't just mean it in the altruistic sense, I mean it in the sense of you getting more for yourself. When you're behind someone's back and find yourself with a group ask yourself this fundamental question:

"Am I being negative about people or am I being positive?"

"Am I focusing on people who are great and challenge me, or am I focusing on people that I don't like?"

"Am I showing people that I'm better than them by trash talking or am I showing them that I'm better because I'm growing?"

What kind of person do you want to be in life?

Do you want to be the person who trash talks and insults people behind their back, or do you want to be the type of person who everyone delightfully finds out you spoke highly of them?

That doesn't mean that you get fake and compliment people on things that you don't believe, it means that regardless you do try to find the things you admire in people. And the people that you don't admire you are just trying to avoid cause let's face it if you don't like them, why make them the subject of conversation even when you're not with them? It makes no sense at all. 

This is about retraining our focus my friends, this is not some talk about you being nicer or more spiritual. This is about being practical and getting more of what you want by being a positive person.

By human dynamics expert Matthew Hussey, picture by Sandra Malalah