Chinese Bootleg Mechandise: The Good, the Bad, and the Shrek

For the past month or so I've been writing a sequel to Metal Fever, this time set in a futuristic Shenzen. Shenzen is a special economic zone within China, which necessitated deep research into what the experience of living there is like (without buying a plane ticket, mind you).

In the process of disappearing down that rabbit hole, I ran into a lot of things that shocked me. Some that fascinated me. And then, some things which made me laugh.

Mostly the dizzying variety of half-assed knockoff merchandise sold in China by people who evidently aren't too concerned with closely matching the details of the original item.

"Sense of Right Alliance"? Why is Shrek there? I assume you have to apply to be a member of this alliance. What was Shrek's interview for the position like? Why is there a car? Is the car sentient and a full member of the team or is it like a clown car they all ride around in? Mysteries abound.

It's cool this one comes with a mask so you can play along as if you're one of them. But why do they look like human beings cosplaying poorly as Ninja Turtles? The proportions are still clearly human. Why is one neon green? Closely guarded secrets of the Super Ninja clan.

POWER HEROS. Yes of course. You know it's a knockoff because they could only afford one E and had to decide whether to put it in Power or Heroes. I think they made the right call.

After all, POWR HEROES doesn't have the same ring to it. Did somebody sandblast the Incredible Hulk's eyebrows, pupils and hair off? Is his latest arch-nemesis named "male pattern balding"?

Oh my. Well, uh. Alright then. I guess at least there's no bulge, sparing me the nightmares which would've otherwise resulted. Was Goofy ever a pro wrestler in Disney canon? It seems doubtful. If he was, would his catchphrase be "It's Goofy Time motherfuckers"? Almost certainly.

Come on now. Besides the obvious, why would Superman need weapons? That would be like if you fought an enemy using a wet sock and a warm stick of butter. It's not even right if the figure inside was Batman either, as he doesn't use guns. Step up your game, Chinese child laborers!

Make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop

This is what happens when you randomly steal artwork from Deviantart to make into stickers, because you figure whoever drew it isn't as likely to sue as if you stole actual official artwork by the artists who draw for the show. I mean, to file a lawsuit you'd have to publicly identify yourself as the person who drew this.

I refuse to believe a human designed this. They have some sort of rudimentary AI which collects images related to search terms with a lot of results, then combines them at random onto generic Zazzle style shirts, bags and whatever.

Nevermind, a human definitely did this. Somebody fed up with their soul sucking job in a sweat shop or factory, taking advantage of the fact that their boss has a poor English vocabulary. Any act of revolt becomes a small triumph. It's win-win, because western consumers get to buy Lisa Frank merch with ANUS written on it.

Another piece of evidence for the "designed by AI" hypothesis. But then somebody had to photoshop them together. So the AI comes up with the combinations, then a photoshop slave executes the machine's brilliant vision, bringing to life its magnum opus for all future generations to cherish.

...You know what? Close enough. I ain't even mad. In fact this would've made the movie considerably better.

Just how secretive can that goo really be? Dare we discover the answer to such a lewd mystery?? Besides that, what is "video gum"? It can't be what I'm imagining, can it? But what if it is? What if it is??

Now I kinda want to play this to see how it's different. Super Mariano looks to be played by Seinfeld too, which bodes well for the gameplay experience. "What's the deal with goombas? They just keep coming at you, each one thinking it'll be the guy who finally kills Mario, even after watching you stomp a billion of his buddies! It's like, investigate more promising career paths!" [laugh track]

I'm ok with this one actually.

The all time classic of bootlegs. Read the text on the paper part, it just keeps getting funnier. "Futuristic Robert"? "The furniture of law enforcement"? "Optical Prime"? "Ray Liotta"? Thank you China, for blessing us with the magic of laughter.

All the sales of the first figure evidently went into improving the second one. This is recognizably a toy and not a lumpy dog turd somebody painted grey. No sign of Ray Liotta, one assumes that he moved on to bigger, better projects than this.

Bonus black metal Robert Cop tribute song by Joel from the Vinesauce channel:

This was a fun article to put together. Let me know in the comments if you'd like to see more along these lines.