Down at the Local

I was in my local pub a few weeks ago when a stranger walked in with a big ostrich behind him. He grabbed a stool at the end of the bar, and as he sat down a small cat jumped up on the stool beside him. Seamus went over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and asked, "What can I get you folks?

The man said," I'll have a pint of best," and turned to the ostrich. "What's yours?"

"I'll have a pint as well" replied the ostrich.

The stranger looked at the cat and said, "I suppose you want a drink too."

The cat responded, "I'll have a half, but I ain't payin'!"

So Seamus pulled two and a half pints, and said "That'll be four pounds forty, please."

The man reached into his pocket, felt around and, to both the landlord's and my surprise, pulled out exactly the right change. A while later, the same thing happened, and the man pulled the exact amount out of the same pocket.

The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat returned. "I'll have a pint of best," said the man. "Same for me," piped up the ostrich, and the cat ordered up a half. "But I ain't payin'!" Repeat of the previous day. The bloke paid each time with the exact amount from his pocket.

This became almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio entered again. "Usual?" asked Seamus.

"Well", said the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turned to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird said, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat said, "I'll have a small scotch, but I ain't payin'!"

The publican rang up the drinks and turned, with a sly grin. "That'll be seven pounds ninety, please." To his amazement, the man pulled the exact seven pounds ninety out of his pocket.

As the trio were finishing their drinks, Seamus could contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket... every time?"

"Well, it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."

That's fantastic", said our host. "What did you wish for?"

"Well, whenever I need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."

"That's brilliant" observed Seamus, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."

"That's right, whether its a pint of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"

By this time my curiosity finally got the better of me, so I chimed in, "One last thing, sir. Err, your friends there... We don't get many cats drinking in here, and as for the ostrich..."

The man looked glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Catweasel

A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.