Episode 1 - The Trigger

I'm going to start this first episode noticing that the "pilot" episode or the episode zero no one has seen it yet until I know but it's ok I think it's ok for now because it's helping me to keep my mind busy, so until now I'm just helping myself with this and from then on I'm going to post at the start of the episode a symbol made for me to take advantage my career and to represent every episode with a kind of abstract and (for some readers) non senseless symbols just at the beginning.

Talking about keeping my mind busy, I want to talk about the trigger, what provoke my depression and of course everything I'm going to say here is supported by my experiences and opinion, that doesn't mean that everything that I can told you here about depression will be the same for the rest of the people who suffers it.

Before I star the main topic here I want to put other things in clear, some times in these episodes of well in the rest of the story that I want to tell here I'm going to talk about Jesus (and yes it's Jesus Christ I'm talking about not my second name) getting back into the story I'm going to name and use life of Jesus examples, I know you will be wondering "why Diego, why do that, I'm going to become a Christian if a read this, are you going to bound us to "believe", I'm going to be possessed?" Well my answer is "No" to all that questions my imaginary reader, the reason why I'm going to talk about him or use little part of his life is because I have received a lot of help from Jesus life and unique examples too, and this is not going to be a week sermon for all of you, my only point here is to express what things I do while I'm under a depression episode or how I handle my mind everyday explaining why I'm how I'm and my character, I explain all of this because in my shot period of life I have found people that I have just only said the name "Jesus" and they just have turn the back on me, but not everyone is the same, but if you want to turn your back feel free to do it because "believe" doesn't need to be a bound or a "must do" and if you are going to stay and read I promise not to convert you in a "believer" with my magic.

So talking about magic (I want to make another thing clear, I don't have magic powers) sometimes we judge others thinking that judging we are going to "save" other persons life but we didn't realize that we hurt ourselves too because we all have demons, so it's a kind of funny, well for me it's a kind of funny because I think "who am I to tell to this strange how to live his life?" The answer is that I'm not anyone, while I'm writing this episode I feel very tired, we are not going to stop what we do everyday, we are not going to stop doing the bad things we think that are good, but who am I to tell you what is good and what is bad, well same answer again I'm no one, the main topic of this episode is to talk about the things that trigger my depression (in my case) and this kind of topic are one of those few things that trigger this state on me.

But seriously I'm quite tired and dried out this moment to write, a bad week is very difficult to overcome very fast but I can do it, you can do it and we can do it, for sure we can so I'm going to keep writing because write have been the best escape for me, best way to escape from my mind.

Our past or my past is the base of all the triggers, I have been chasing was has happen to me, for what reason I'm like this way? I don't have memories about been sad while I was more young or was a kid, we start a chasing, I have start a chasing the answer of what happen to me, I need to stop it, but depression always got me vulnerable while I'm trying to escape the void because depression doesn't care if you have love in your life, depression doesn't care if you have a happy life with an amazing family, doesn't care if you have an incredible job and the life you dreamed of because depression will appear in any case or any parallel universe because our mind is bounded to stay inside us, of course you can have a happy life and that reduces the possibilities of suffer depression, but our past is always going to be there, I have made mistake like we all have done before in our early life, I'm 27 right now but I don't know why this nostalgic symptom always appear mixed with old memories of my life sad old memories, it's like a automatic mechanism that start over and over again when I can't keep my mind busy. Sometimes I tell myself that I need to live happy do my best always giving my best effort to everything because life is just one only shot, and your life deserve a second opportunity, life deserve all my strength, life deserve all of your attention believe me it's not funny to see a deadman regretting about all, a mirror effect will give you the best sight of what could happen to you if we don't stop and take a look around and love the things that surround us.

We are human beings the wars are going to be always there, all the anger of the world is going to be always there even after we go, but I know that at the end of all we are going to find that place that we can call home, at the end of this struggle, even I'm starting to be afraid of living and I'm doing myself that, because we are slave to nothing, we are the guilty of the life we are living because if I blame other for the life I'm living now I'm going to bring the past to the present again and for sure another depression episode will appear and I don't want that anymore, sounds hard to made but I can and we can, everybody it's waiting for that "something" that "something" are ourselves, I need to do a change from inside out.

Leaving almost clear what are those triggers to me fur sure I'm going to stop searching an excuse for fall, stop searching excuses for failures, I'm a judge and even sometimes I fail judging myself, if I don't of doing what I'm doing to myself the only liar in my life is going to be me.

Those are just though that came out to get calm while I'm writing this because seriously I was feeling very tired starting this "written episode" my ideas about the universe is that it's completely big, infinite and dark more dark than our hearts could be in our darkest life moment, nobody know me and lost time it's never found again but for sure we can start again as many times we can for me that is the beauty of life, have the opportunity to start over and over again until I made it clear and well and of course you have the opportunity everyone have it.

This earth is the perfect place for our bodies, perfect for this bag of bones we carry everyday, infinite and full of gravity to keep us there, giving us lessons everyday one after another, that idea of the mankind of conquer the space it's a good idea to keep them very occupied just to keep their own minds occupied because we didn't realize that our eyes have scales, scale that give a measure to everything we see, things that are not for us things that doesn't belong to us, there will be judge but we can make a difference because I just need to get rid of this fear of living my own life before the void breaks my spirit, I think we are living in a tunnel and the only things we can do inside that tunnel is to stop or to keep going until reach the end and I hope you coming soon to the end also life inside that tunnel teaches you that someone will need you, someone is needing you and that is the best fuel to run and run til the end and yes of course someone is needing you and why not? of course there is another person need you and you just need to escape the tunnel, don't expect someone to help you, don't expect anyone while you run this race the only thing you need to do is to be that person that other is expecting too, may I made myself clear? so go ahead and disagree with your pride, make a distance and be there for someone else, do not care if anyone has been there for you just be the first and do it for someone else.

I'm far from home right now well my physical home to be more clear and it's not easy because I feel that I'm living the same fight of those who leave home to reach a bright future, new beginnings will make your heart grow but it's not so easy so right now I'm trying to find the best place to put all my talents, we all have hell at our backs but that hell is a selfmade type of hell because all of your decision always leave permanents consequences always laves a void, "hey dude why you always say "void" huh can you tell us" well my void "concept" is this:

Void: Infinite space inside you dark as the night sky that shallows you and you never are going to be same after that.

My blood is getting cold every time try to find that so secure and so safe place nut disappearing is not going to be the solution of course not because inside me is the place to make my blood warm again and the forgiveness is the keyword to find that place, I was thinking that It's impossible to get your blood warm again far from home but of course I can and you can too, remember the keyword is forgiveness because nobody is perfect and anyone need to be perfect too and I just have realized that very far from home.

Fill your cup with clear feelings, with feelings of having helped someone else, use yourself values to fill any hole that is bothering you.

Reaching the end of this episode I can realize more clear that it's helping me and I hope that this is helping you too.

I'm still dragging expectations but one after another I'm leaving it behind.

Hope to see you soon reading my next episode... ok ok ok "written episode" I get it.

Rest assured.