Some of my favorite jokes

Hi. I didn't see any other listings of jokes on here so I hope some of you find this enjoyable. This is a listing of funny one-liners I've collected in a text file over time. About half I've shared on another site. Please add your one-liners to the comments.

I was addicted to doing the Hokie Pokie until I turned myself around.

I can't believe cloning works, I said to myself.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not for you.

I had to put my foot down when my boss told me to stop standing on one leg.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, girls would find me attractive.

My epileptic friend is going to have a fit when he sees the strobe light I bought him.

Drilling holes is boring.

My friends are all prune farmers. With friends like that who needs enemas.

My girlfriend says I'm skeptical but I don't believe her.

I like the summer heat, but only to a degree.

My psychiatrist said I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. So he said okay, you're ugly too.

Have you ever had camping sex? It's in tents!

Someone stole my mood ring, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

A coffin is the last thing I need.

The car salesman tried to close the deal by throwing in a leather seat package but I'm not easily suede.

According to my roommate's diary I have boundary issues.

I can't remember where I threw my boomerang but it will come back to me.

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

People keep encouraging me to be myself, but that's just not me.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

My wife told me, "Sex is better on holiday." That wasn't a very nice postcard for her to send me.

When two vegetarians argue is it still called a beef?

Inspecting mirrors is a job I could see myself doing.

I have absolutely no symphony for people who use words incorrectly.

Getting paid to sleep would be a dream job.

Today I farted on an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.

I shot an elephant in my underwear once, and how it got into my underwear I'll never know.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.

Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.

She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything".

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there.

I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls.

I played poker last night with an origami expert - he kept folding.

I'm officially changing my TV remote's name to Wally - I never know where it is.

Wow, is my friend Jack lucky. On Wednesday he won $90 million dollars in the lottery and two days later he met the love of his life.

The definition of opaque in the dictionary is not very clear.

Me and my recliner go way back.

I told a girl she had drawn her eye brows on too high. She looked surprised.

I was an accountant from the age of twenty until I was thirty when I was fired for no reason. What a waste of fourteen years.

And my favorite:
The girl I was seeing made me stop taking mushrooms. Now I'm not seeing her any more.