Wohin?

Take a look at this:

I am pieces of melting avocadoes, paired guacamayas flying on the horizon and a smell of carbon dioxide.

I come from a place where femininities are subjugated by a very macho culture smeared on beauty queen cosmetic paste and plastic surgerie's taste. But most of us don't obbey and instead move our hips like the waves. Playa, sol y arena praying to an invisible friend and hoping no one gets to know you move that way. Being la zorrita is the worst. Si cocinas como caminas, le pego la lengua al sartén said a jerk. I rolled my eyes with indifference and answered, get out of my way or busca un bosque y piérdete.

Many of us have the real conviction we were born in the best place on earth but not meaning it bad. It's still discriminating. The only ones who can enjoy that, who are? Nü, the lucky normative ones.

My people are living now what an inmigrant is like to be, a second class citizen, we didn't have that clear. God forbid you have to flee and become Asylanten, they are all criminals, they cry. They are very convinced, those Sauerkrauts.

My people are judging each other and say 'it was your fault because you don't think like me' with primary colors and starry caps, cleaning toilets with pictures of their PhD celebration. Oh mann, they don't know now where to start. They clean also up very old people's butts who think saying, don't touch me schmutziger Neger it's all right. We have to stop this political correctness, they said. Nowadays, nobody can say a thing, stop being overly sensitive you María Juana!, chill, relax, chillax... I said please, it's just an opinion, why make such an obnoxious rant? That's reverse racism!, don't allow yourself that.

I repeat to my self every morning you are worth it. Fake it till you make it and get that Unbefristetenarbeitsvertrag. It's all in your hands, you just have to move your ass... But then on the tram somebody yells ausländer raus and I fade away, I cry, I don't know where to hide. I can just curl up on my bed and stand the side effects of my pills. Because here I have free health care, what else could I ever wish for? I have lupus but I Iook fine so I don't get the Behinderungsausweis.

Aguacates were changed for müsli, crows in the back and the smell turned to be burning bratwurst on a very crowded fair where the stands look every year the same and the only thing you can do is buy expensive Glühwein and bland bread. Bitte ohne Zwiebel und ohne Knoblauch, I don't want to get dragon breath. And you start to obbey... the waving hips stop waving and you speak up in a very broken Deutsch. It's unfair and pops out angrily off your big, sensitive loath.

Here you have freedom of mind, not of action and the presumption of innocence consists on being guilty till your inocence's proven. Our husbands get tired of us as we are not the Spaßmacher anymore. Law favors them. And then we end chained up in the name of our children to a city that calls every Monday Ab-schie-ben to the crowd.

And then you think again, where could I go? I lost it all! If back there there's no peace, my trans friends are being killed and my daughter's body could become the playground of a very nasty pedofile priest? You drawn your sorrows in cheap Bier and the sweat im Keller where all Südländer are feeling just like that, move to the moves, go with the flow y perrea.

Where was I suppoused to go?