The Dark Side of My self improvement

"How my obsession with success became the obstacle to THE SUCCESS i was chasing after "

Before I knew what social anxiety is, I guess i was just a regular kid with an irregular sized head , fuckin huge head , sorry mum .

Jumping on the trees , smashing my face ( which formed my future looks) , being everywhere at the same time . You know all the regular stuff that other kids do .

After the period of my early childhood , I've always felt like a fuckin reject ... I still do .

When i got into my teenage Years and all of the hormones started buzzing , my anxiety of approaching any gril i would find attractive made my Love life, Mission FUcKIN IMPOSSIBLE.

On top of that I've always been completely in love in music .

Trust me an Ultimate passion for creating a Word of Your Own , is far from being an optimal solution for social anxiety.

I've done all the stuff associated with growing up in my neiborghood : Drugs , Alcohol , Sex ( Yeah that actually happened ) and shit food , but all of it just deepened my sense of loneliness . By the age of 20 I've reached 120kgs . At night I started having an uncontrolable panic attacks. Waking up , gasping for air , thinking I'm dying. I couldnt controll it and I belive all of the drugs , contributed to the state of psychozis . I've developed Asthma , started taking meds. Became a shadow of a man in front of the Screen contributing my life to playing Blizzard's Diablo II .

Growing up around the rough Polish neibourghoods in the 90s (equivalent to NY's projects ) I was drawn to all of the stuff i despise nowadays: crime , dirty money , alcohol etc .

After one of the bar fights , I've ended up being hospitalised, and I belive this may have been the melting point for all of the upcoming change.

Enough is enough .

I Started to run :

Prior to that i ve been a smoker for about 7 so I could run only 5 mins straight in the begining , but each day led to improvement , up to my 10-15km runs almost daily .

I Started Weight lifting :

A routine of working out in a basement gym for 6 days a week , call it a regular BRO Body building split . I became fascinated with Body Building . Watched PUMPIN IRON a couple of ties and Arnold quickly became my role model . Nutrition and excercising was all i could think of back than .

I Started taking Music Seriously :

Previously my relationship with music was just walking with my guitar as a best friends . In Highschool i've discovered weed and music production software, It was such novelty , I've spent all time alone making music , that's all i ever wanteed . Now I've decided i want to make this thing become my lifestyle . I created a a strict schedule of writing and producing music. From the moment i woke up I learned and produced until the time of my evening workout . Pretty soon my music got included on some Popular Youtube music channels , got a few milions of plays , I was on my way.

Now If you were patient and got to this point .... Here comes the downside

All that progress got me so hooked so badly , that there was nothing else beside spending time on making music , working out , or educating myself.

I was so obsessed with making all theese changes , that they were no changes at all !!

Friends .

I couldn't go and eat out with my new group of peers , Once You get the abs You dont wanna go back , plus I've been broke most of my life

I couldn't party with my friends , by the end of the day i was simply exhausted with dieting and working out .

I couldn't talk with my friends about bullshit like regular people do . Ever since I was obsessed with making it in the music industry I couldnt allow myself for meaningless conversations , this is still a problem .

Girls ?

Despite looking more like an Apollo , I blew every single chance of being in a relationship for the same damn reason. No time for BS . Most often all of the dieting made me look and feel like a greek statue .

Since I've been a broke ass musician all year round .

I had to be working 14+ hours daily every single summertime .

It's like I keep on making the steps to a better life , but I'm not moving any foreward.

I've been so consumed with reading books , listening to podcasts and audiobooks . Practicing my craft , working out, becoming a self growth master that I completely frogot how a social life and being there for the others is important !

All the things i missed out as a teenager : like being in love , building a relationships , partying , socializing, now I was giving it all up on my own wish .

Trust me all theese small things are important in learning how to network , which is a key to success in life , It has alwyas been my biggest struggle.

Allowing Yourself to socialize and partying is a part of being human , don't let these bitch ass life coaches tell You otherwise .

Nowadays I force myself at least once every month to catch up with the world. I'm not getting drunk , couse it's just not my thing . I put aside the time deticated to my friends and family , and trying not to feel guilty about it . I got a long way to go to fix this issues , but i can see the results . I control my DOWNS way better . I'm very Bipolar and winter makes me act a bitch . Sometimes i wish i was dead when I don't get enough sunlight. Hence why I came back from Living in London and plan on moving to some sunny place . Would love to go either Australia or Cali. But if i dont figure it out I'm moving to Gran Canaria , just to make sure i am still alive by the end of March .

My obsession with success became the obstacle to THE SUCCESS I was chasing after .

If i May a piece of advice :

Do be a go getter

Do work for a body of a greek statue.

Do Dream BIG , Bigger than possible .

But please consider the cost that You may be paying.

All the small things You have to give up , can potentilly have a massive influence over Your Future . The succes will take way longer than assumed ,. You can miss out on many things that u could regret later on . Most of us regret only the things we havn't done .

e.g

Me ... ?

I have not experienced true love yet . I thought becoming a succesfull musician will solve all of my problems. I'm not there yet , and all of these unsolved problems just slow down my progress.

The #1 reason You should start to excercise and i eat healthy on a daily is to be a role model for Your Kid , so that it would never waste time on bullshit like this !