I hate Coinbase!!!Vol 3 One week into my Cryptocurrency adventure. "No you cannot have my first born child so I can buy a damn Cryptocoin"

Yes, this is a beginners journey into the wild crypto outback (in designer clothes), so I'm sharing my first week of how to buy, what to buy and how to maintain a sense of humor.
I'll try not to meander too far of the road, but turning frustration into fun adding a few turns here and there is essential.
Last week I opened a Coinbase account.
It came with the recommendation that it was; easy to sign up and easy to use. So I enter my bank info, it tells me that in 1-3 business days the penny amounts would appear in my account, yea, yea, yea same as my trading account.
So I go to the bank yesterday and ask the teller to check my account for these penny deposits.

So now you think "what"? "Don't you bank on-line" ?
I say no, a few years ago my bank (a different one) got hacked, it was 2 months of trouble. Secondly my bank is a small, hometown kindda place in my rural area. I know they don't have the resources to hire MIT tech grads as security staff to guard my accounts.
I stopped drinking Fluoridated water years ago so I can still add and subtract and old enough to know what a checkbook is.
Candace (the IT gal) most likely got a microsoft repair certificate at the junior college.
She still has her hair done like that Kate plus eight lady.

The haircut, with the little spikey things is still amazingly popular after ten years here in Texas.
I'll just breeze through the rest: I plug in the penny amounts last night, Yea!!! I can buy some Bitcoin to move somewhere else to buy something else (next edition details).
I buy 50 bucks worth of Bitcoin which looks amazingly puny in print: .000000538613 and then rolls into a fibonacci sequence.

But I can't get it until next week, Tuesday to be precise. I poke around and find the "select other payment method" it was not anywhere in big print.
So I go there and enter my credit/debit card info-rejected twice, we all know the -3- times you're locked out crap so this morning I try again and it tells me it's a "merchant problem".
I call Candace and yes Coinbase is out of Great Britain so automatically blocked.
Get cleared, but need to wait. I remember I have an old paypal account , Coinbase accepts paypal, I figure I'll put some $ in paypal and then I can buy some goodies!!
Meantime I get an automated call saying there's "suspicious activity" on my account can I confirm the following purchases?

I call Candace, and no nothing suspicious about my grocery shopping and gas, but because there was a flag on my account they were just checking.
Now I opened paypal because I'd bought some tree seedings that never came , the vendor would only refund my $$$ into a paypal account.
I try to transfer some $$$ from my checking account to paypal. They wanted my driver's license number AND my social security number and my first born male child to put money -IN-! You kiddin'me?

I never use paypal and have been piddling the paypal money away on worthy causes and Gofundme stuff, so if you have a worthy cause I have about 12-bucks left in there.
I go back to Coinbase, figuring it's been a couple hours my card should be good to go. I fill out my card info again. Now they want a shot of my drivers license front and back.
I'm not happy, but do it, "rejected ", not clear enough. I try to do it again and here I come to the end of the saga--a little box pops up saying I have to wait 12-hours to try again.

Meryl Streep in Fatal Attraction "I'll Not Be Ignored"!
I move another 100-bucks from my checking account over buy another sliver of bitcoin and will wait til Wednesday to move it to buy something...I'm laughing, sharing and now that my day is wasted it's cocktail hour and I'll research some more and wait til next week, cheers!
Here's part one if you're so inclined.
https://steemit.com/news/@bitcoinforblonds/brand-new-to-crypto-s-blonds-seeking-help-to-get-started