A tale of not being good enough.

My name is Ben Fox.

Like you, I have journeyed through life, searching for my purpose; I am still on that journey.

Like many of us, I’ve looked at others and felt they were doing better than I; compared my life repeatedly to the success and achievements of those I felt were better than me.

My name is Ben Fox and I don’t feel good enough.

How I Started

I was born to a great family. Loving and supportive, they have always been there for me. I have been fortunate with my childhood and upbringing. Never wealthy but never wanting, I had a great start in life.

As a young boy, I always put in more work than was necessary – just for the love of trying. As a young teenager, I cruised all my classes on inherited intelligence. As I moved into young adult, I crashed and burned in the pit of depression.

My name is Ben Fox and that’s when I first felt not good enough.

See, it wasn’t a bad childhood or some great event that caused me to develop depression. It wasn’t because the weight of my life was too much to bear. I have, and always have had, a pretty good life.

Lessons Learned

But this isn’t about bleeding out a sob story. This is about the lessons I’ve learned.

Do I always feel depressed? No. In fact, ninety five percent of the time I feel pretty damn good, and I’ve learn a lot from that crappy five percent. During that ninety five percent of the time, I feel lucky that I have depression. Of course, during that five percent, I couldn’t imagine anything worse. I become so filled with self-loathing that I can feel lucky about nothing.

When you’re in depression, it’s impossible to look outward. You’re depressed and some guy starts saying he’s lucky to have depression and you splutter and scream internally at the very notion. ‘HOW DARE HE. THIS IS THE WORST KIND OF PAIN’. I know, I’ve been there. But as I write this I am lucky enough to be back on the outside of depression for a while, looking in; no longer trapped inside it.

I am lucky to have had depression for the lessons it has taught me. Lessons that I use every day. It helps me better understand myself and others. It has helped me develop a level of empathy I may never had achieved without it.

But for all of that positivity, damnit, sometimes I just don’t feel good enough.

I have noticed since I first developed depression, it started a cycle of self-comparison to others. Even when not feeling down, I still compare myself to others, repeatedly. When I do, those negative voices start whispering away in my head. ‘You’re not good enough, look at your life compared to that other person’s. You are nothing compared to that’.

And I try to remind myself that that is not true.

The Myth That Others Are Better

Looking in on the person who has spent their life travelling, we tell ourselves that we are not good enough because we haven’t done that. But the traveller may look at the amazing pianist and wish that they had spent more time at home learning to play. Astronauts have experienced things that we could never dream of, but he or she has spent years studying and training to get there, missing on other things that you and I may have done.

We only have so much time in our lives.

And so I continue to look for my purpose in life, while not always feeling good enough, because I know (deep down) that it’s my journey that matters, and no one else’s.

Post Script

My name is Ben Fox and I studied English Literature at university. In pursuit of my own purpose, I became a Personal Trainer and coach when I left university.

I first stepped foot in the gym because I hated myself. I had no confidence and constantly beat myself up about everything. That first tentative step into the gym was my attempt to not feel quite so shitty about all aspects of my life, and to build some confidence in my own body.

It worked (mostly) and after finishing my degree I knew I wanted to bring fitness, health and most importantly, confidence, to as many people as possible. That’s the journey I have been on for the last seven years (you’d have thought I’d be sure about it by now).

Exercise has given me so much since I started training. I have spent most of my working life so far trying to bring that to others. Do I love training? Do I love eating green food? Not really. I’m not a gym addict or fitness nut. I still have to push myself into every single training session. But I know it will make me feel good when I do.

People think they come to me for fat loss – to reshape their bodies.

The reality is, what they really want is more confidence and happiness in themselves. I love it when I can give that to someone – hopefully Steemit will allow me to bring that to more people than ever before.

As suggested by @zinovi in the comments!