Hi! I am Soufyan, I am Moroccan, I am an Industrial Engineer, Born on July 1995 in Fez, a spiritual city, if you don’t believe me, take a look at Wikipedia, I grew in a very modest family that struggled to get through the day, when I was 4 years old I was sexually abused by my cousin A who was older than me with only 4 years, it was my first same sex interaction which I believe had an impact on my future sexual orientations, at the age of puberty while discovering my genitals for the first time I started to feel the changes, I started fooling around with my other cousin H (A’s Brother) who is same age as me, we did nothing sexual but we enjoyed flirting and touching, Yes we were caught once by his mother (my aunt) & the only reaction she had was anger and beating him, Yes, I am Gay; yes, I am a Muslim and Yes I am an abomination to Islamic perception of everyone else but not according to my Islam, I am more, I am bisexual but I struggle with my genitals which do not satisfy me. Another subject for another time!!
Let's focus on when I started watching porn, I did not only enjoy the women’s physical, but the man’s too, and throat started to feel weird in time, in secondary school and for the first time I hear the word Gay « Homosexual » from a French teacher, it was shocking at that time to know that same sex relationships were accepted in other countries and
mainstream in certain Times such as the 70s & 80s and even in the Arab history and specifically in certain Moroccan tribes during the 16th & 17th centuries. Suddenly I am watching gay porn, I may look perverted to you, but this is a 14 year old teen sexual life complex and for me it was of comfort to watch another man enjoying their life openly and with passion.
Today and for the first time I confront myself about my sexuality, I signed up in gender (LGBTQ+ dating app), And finally I get to meet a gay guy, at first I was looking for sex but surprisingly, I just couldn’t even speak and after that the guy was very nice and sweet (from fez too) we talked for hours, even if sometimes the silence was awkward and he was surprised to know that it was my real first gay experienced he did not want to go further that night but I am planning for my first kiss first and why not some fun.
The double lifestyle I am obliged to deal with was and is still suffocating because I can’t tell my parents, my friends nor my family, this might look extreme for you, but they were raised in a different way, and I cannot lose them even if I could go crazy because of that, I can’t be anything other than Muslim, nor bisexual even writing the two words in one sentence is weird for me but I certainly respect and back up the LGBTQ+ community around the world for their rights but I am simply a coward.
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