Introducing @legendary-writer - God’s Gift To Steemit – You’re Welcome!!!

-Fight Club

 

I was told that the first thing I post should be an #introduceyourself post, but I wanted to do something else and I can’t believe you idiots talked me into this.

I could be posting anything, like the meaning of life or a cure for cancer, but no… You idiots demand to know a little bit more about me before learning the secrets of the universe or spreading my cancer cream on your rotten asses.

 

Oh my God! Writing for Steemit is so hard! Why is this happening to me? I am literally half way through this thing and I haven’t even received my first vote yet, on what planet does this sound fair?

Oh I get it… The game is rigged! And you guys are just toying with me, to see how long I will go while you snicker with your buddies at my expense, “Oh look at the new guy pouring his little heart out, let’s snub him!”

Well I didn’t spend four years risking my ass in the coast guard, protecting your right to eat genetically modifed fish, just to come home to put up with this shit!

 

Oh my God. There still aren’t any votes, I swear to God I am about to lose my mind over here. I should be a freakin whale by now! What are you guys thinking? Can you not see talent when it is staring you in the face?

Seriously, how mismanaged is this place and why is @ned so damn handsom? Why cant I be that good looking, it’s not fair! Some guys get all the money and the looks while guys like me end up fighting off sexual advances from our Rear Admiral in the stupid ass coast guard.

This Sucks!

 

Anyways, I guess I have to talk about myself like a flappy-lipped girl on Tinder, so here goes:

I am just your average guy, who is trying to stay positive in a world of shit, I am married to an average girl and if my retarded doctor could learn how to count my sperm, then maybe I might have some average kids. But for now, my doctor is too busy sticking his fingers up my ass while telling me: “We have some swelling back here!”

“No shit there’s some swelling! When was the last time you cut your damn nails?!”

Oh great, now you idiots made me think about emotional stuff and I’m crying into my laptop, thanks a lot, I always wanted a laptop with a voided warranty.

Brb

I’m back

You mean to tell me that not one of you sadists could have voted me up in the time it took me to bawl my eyes out in the bathroom? What kind of shitty website is this and why is @dan’s cat so damn handsome?

My cat only has three legs and it attacks me everytime I sleep, how is that fair? Do you idiots really think my cat wants to hop sideways everytime there’s danger? Of course not!

And what the hell is an EOS? It sounds stupid and made up! Stuff like that really pisses me off! Why couldn’t I have invented that? Probably because I was too busy fighting for your right to elect someone from reality TV for president, thanks a lot for that. I always wanted to come home from war only to find Arnold Schwarzenegger ruining my favorite show.

There is nothing like losing all hope and dropping a toaster into the bathtub after hearing a broke down terminator repeatedly saying, “I’ll be back!” only to find out that instead of dying, I was forced into spending all my money on an electrician just to see how this shit-show ends.

 

Why in the hell is no one voting? You mean to tell me that you would rather be looking at the swim suits on the trending page? How is that fair and why is @sweetsssj’s swim suit so damn handsome?

My swim suit is covered in embarassing, yellow stains and the bottom is shredded in a way that lets more than the acceptable amount of ball cleavage hang out for your average water park. So, now I have to drive over an hour just to be treated like a human being.

 

Oh my God! Why does Steemit suck so bad?

I’ve tried to remain positive about the lack of votes, but you are all just a bunch of lousy trolls and I’m not gonna take this shit off you anymore. I’m going back to Grindr!

Good bye!