If you or someone you know are Struggling in their Marriage- You need to read this Now...

We were separated 3 times in the first 3 years of our marriage and during our 3rd separation, we were over 600 miles apart for about 5 months with almost no contact and we were headed straight for a divorce... Today (2016), we have been married over 21 years and have 4 beautiful children who would not even exist if we would have gotten divorced  This is our story...

*First, let me say that I know that not every marriage can be saved. I know that not every marriage will be like ours or be successful. I am NOT saying that if you do what we did, then your marriage will be saved. I am only sharing our story and what has worked for us. So I just ask that you be respectful in your comments. If your marriage did not work out, I am sincerely sorry that you had that experience. But please do not use the comments to discourage anyone.

*Second, I am a Christian. I believe in God and I believe in marriage. All of my posts (or most of them) will be about my beliefs. If you do not share my beliefs- if you do not believe in God or if you do not believe in marriage, then this post (and most of my posts)  will not be for you. I respectfully ask that you would not post negative comments in that regard. I do not intend to force my beliefs on anyone through comments on other people's posts, so I ask that you would do the same for me.

*Third, I definitely want people to share their experiences (even if your marriage didn't end up well) but I really want to avoid comments such as "There is no God", or "Marriage Stinks", etc. There is really no communication or community in those types of comments- therefore I will basically ignore those types of comments.

*So again, I am a Christian and this post is about how God saved my marriage - you have been warned! :) 

Without further adieu-- here is our story:

 Many Christian couples stand up and proudly exclaim that God brought them together. They say that God brought them together for a reason- that they were meant to be together- we cannot say that…   

A Match Made In Hell 

You see, when I met my beautiful wife… she was someone else’s beautiful wife. The only excuse we have is that we were not Christians and she was separated from her husband at the time. As committed Christians today, we recognize that it was never God’s intent or plan that her marriage would end in divorce just so that we could get married.   “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel…” (Malachi 2:15–16, NIV84)   

Now of course we understand that God forgives and that He can still use someone after divorce. But for us to say that our marriage was a blessing from God when she was already married would be biblically incorrect.   However the story doesn’t end there- no, it gets much better (or worse).   

We were separated 3 times in the first 3 years of our marriage. During our third separation, we were living over 600 miles apart for about 5 months with almost no contact during that time. As far as we were concerned, our marriage was over and we were headed straight for a divorce! 

A Marriage Made In Heaven 

Today we have been married over 20 years, we have 4 beautiful children and I am the Senior Pastor of our church! So how did we go from being unbelievers on the brink of a divorce to having a 20+ year marriage, being committed Christians and now ministering to other couples in crisis?   

I like to say:  

“We gave our lives to Jesus and He gave our marriage back to us”. 

But more on that in just a moment— earlier I said that our marriage was a “Match Made in Hell”. Our marriage was truly horrific, we were both verbally abusive… mentally abusive… emotionally abusive… and yes, even physically abusive to each other and to ourselves as well.    The police were called to our home multiple times and we were evicted from one of our apartments because of our fights. Yet the crazy thing was that we were also madly in love with one another!  If anyone would have seen us, they would have thought that we were insane!  

One moment we would be screaming at each other and the next we would be all lovey-dovey. We would be slamming doors, punching holes in walls and then we would be kissing and hugging- and this would all happen in the same day- sometimes the same hour! We were both dealing with a lot of different issues. Also the fact that we weren’t Christians and that we were trying to do all of this on our own didn’t help matters.   

I Don’t Love You Anymore

One of the issues that we were both dealing with was insecurities. My wife struggled deeply with her self-image and that caused a lot of pain for both of us. As a result, she constantly questioned my love and devotion. Then one day she said to me the thing that would radically change our lives forever. She informed me that she discovered a way that she could deal with her insecurities, she said that for now on:   

She would just assume the worst of me!

On top of that, she said that not only would she always assume the worst of me, but she would never say anything about it and that we would just live the rest of our lives like that.   I was crushed! All of my hopes and dreams for our future were completely demolished. How could I go on thinking that we had a future when she would always be thinking the worst of me? Even if things seemed to get better- how would I know? She had said that she would never tell me any different. At that point I just shut down. I was tired of fighting, I was worn out, there was nothing left- I just felt numb to everything. So I said it… I never thought I would say it, but I did:   

“I don’t love you anymore… I want a divorce.”

What happened next absolutely floored me- she actually changed—radically changed.   She decided to go get some counseling and she met with a pastor who helped her understand who she was in God’s sight. He recommended some a book to her and after reading that book, she began to see herself in a totally different light and her self-worth and self-image drastically improved.   

NEW PROBLEM ARISES…

I started to notice her changes but I couldn’t believe it- I wouldn’t believe it- I refused! Now she is Miss Perfect? — NO WAY! I was enraged, so much so that I had become the male version of her. I was now the insecure one- constantly questioning her and second-guessing her motives. We tried to get counseling together but it was no use- before we knew it, we were separated for a second time. Yet this time, it was all me. I just couldn’t let go of the past and it continued to plague us. We decided to get back together and try again, but it wasn’t long before we were in our third and final separation.   This time I was bound and determined- it was all over. I had moved back home to my family and now we were 600 miles apart and we were done!   

A New Marriage and A New Life

We hadn’t talked for a few months and I began to realize that I must be pretty messed up. I decided that if I ever got back together with my wife or if I got remarried, something must be done about ME! I needed to fix me- because there was something wrong with me. I knew that neither one of us were innocent, we had both contributed to the problem. But if I didn’t take care of my issues- I would just carry them into any future relationships.    Now I could not afford a “real counselor”, so I decided to look up a local church and see if I could talk to a minister and try to get some counseling that way.   

When I sat down with the minister—his name was Cliff, he said something to me that completely changed my life and our marriage. What he said to me was the key to saving our marriage and it is what has kept us together these past 20+ years, and it is the key to having the thriving marriage we have today.    

Cliff said:  

“Listen, I’m no marriage counselor but I know one thing and that is this: Things will never be right between you and your wife until you get things right between you and God.”   

Now I had no idea what Cliff was talking about. I believed in God and I thought I was a good person… mostly. But Cliff shared with me that there was a difference in believing in God and trusting in God. Over the next couple of months, Cliff shared with me the life-changing, transforming message of Jesus Christ.   

The Moment That Changed Everything 

On September 18, 1997, I finally surrendered my life and my marriage over to Jesus. Little did I know, my wife had begun to get counseling from a minister at another church 600 miles away. Ten days later, she gave her life to Jesus as well.    Our lives have been completely perfect ever since…. UM—NO NOT QUITE!   

We still had work to do—and a LOT of work too! But now we were no longer trying to do everything in our own strength. We now had God on our side and even more importantly- we were on His side. And we began to see that we were both on the same side!   

We were separated 3 times in the first 3 years of our marriage and now we have been married for over 21 years (2016). Our marriage has not always been sunshine and rainbows since that day. We would be lying if we said that we always handle things perfectly now. But our marriage has now become a blessing and our lives are filled with a joy and peace that we could have only dreamed of before.   

A New Marriage and a New Mission 

Our deepest desire is for other couples to experience the forgiveness and love that we have in our marriage. We want hurting couples to know that there is hope for their marriage. There is a brighter day on the horizon and it isn’t with a different spouse. 

You can find true love and fulfillment in the marriage you have right now!

My posts will be a testimony of what God has done and continues to do in our marriage. I will be sharing the lessons that God has taught us over the past 20+ years as well as the lessons He is still trying to teach us– sometimes we can be kind of dense!   

We don’t know where you are in your marriage right now. Maybe you are where we were 20 years ago and you don’t know how you can possibly go on. Maybe you are beginning to see some warning signs and don’t want to go through what we experienced. OR Maybe you have a wonderful marriage and want it to just keep getting better. 

Whatever your story is, we invite you to join us on this journey. And maybe… just maybe we will all discover that our marriage is worth it after all!   

Well that’s our story- what’s yours? Go ahead and tell us your story or let us know what you think of ours in the comments below!  We would love to hear your thoughts- just please keep them friendly!   

Blessings for a Healthy Marriage,
JR Lightstein
MyMarriageIsWorthIt.com