Who am I??... It's complicated....

So, who am I? The answer really is complicated. I am 34 years old and I am still trying to figure that out for myself. I posted an introduction a week ago and gave some brief details about myself. After spending my first week here on Steemit, I was reminded that I truly don’t know who I am. My plan was look around, makes some comments, get some followers and start producing my own content. I looked, I commented, got followers, but when it was time to post… I was lost. It had never been more obvious that I have no passion. I honestly cannot think of one thing that I am truly passionate about. There is nothing that holds my interest for more than maybe months at a time. So, I can’t help but wonder, where is my passion. Where is that drive I need to succeed at anything in life?

I mention before that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed with it back in 2004 and was discharged from the military because of it. As I am not so good with words, I will use a book I have just started reading to provide some information. The quoted material will be in “parenthesis and italics” (that was an example) and I will list my source. So, in this book, Borderline Personality is described as “a disorder of instability and problems with emotions” and explains that those with BPD are “unstable with their emotions, behavior, thinking, relationships, and identity.” Like most mental conditions, not everyone is affected the same way. The book covers 9 symptoms of BPD and since I work better with structure, I think it would be best to list the symptoms that most relate to myself and share a little about how they have affected my life. Otherwise, my mind would run rampant and my thoughts would be all over the place.

“Unstable Emotions and Moods”
Simply put, it is like I feel 100x stronger about things than the average person. If I don’t succeed in something, it is like I have failed at life. It only takes one thing to go wrong for me to start obsessing over everything that is not perfect. A example would be when I failed one test in a course I was taking online. It didn't matter That I had a 4 month old and an almost 2 yr old wearing me down. The only thing that mattered, was that I failed. That lead to many self deprecating thoughts and, ultimately, my dropping out of school. I was convinced that I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t smart enough, or strong enough, or anything.

It is actually amazing how my moods can change at the drop of a hat. I could be having a great time, playing games with my kids, or out with friends, and one comment or action can just knock me right down. I know that whatever it was that happened was not intentional, but it still managed to affect me so deeply. A sad example is my kids. I know that they love me inside and out and think I’m beautiful, but they say the simplest things about me that feel like knives stabbing me right in the chest. I can can do is try to smile, because I know they mean well.

Another prime example of unstable emotions would be my overall emotions about my children. This is extremely hard to even talk about or admit. I love them so much, but things get so overwhelming that I find myself wishing I could just walk away completely. The intensity of the pain I feel, for allowing my thoughts to reach that point, is unreal. And I hate myself and punish myself for it.

“Unstable and Intense Relationships”
Im not sure I would describe any of my past relationships as intense. Unless, you count my intense feelings, that I usually keep to myself to avoid looking overly attached. Growing up, I figured out early that I liked girls. But, I was shy with low self esteem and no confidence. Because of that, I often found myself latching on to the first person that showed me attention. More often than not, I received attention from men. All throughout high school, I was the girl who was the ugly friend. I’m sure I wasn’t really, but that's what it felt like. I was the one who was passed up for the girl standing next to her. I was the 3rd wheel. My date to Junior Prom was my friends boyfriends friend, because nobody asked me. So when I finally started getting noticed, I latched on and hoped that they wouldn’t leave me for someone better because, obviously, I wasn’t good enough.

When I started to think this person may actually like me, I would break up with them or find some way to push them away. When I finally did receive attention from another female, I was instantly in love. So much so, that when I found out I was the side chick, I accepted it. It was the closest I was going to get to being happy. When things went south with her, I overdosed on my meds because she was everywhere and seeing her with someone else was too hard to deal with.

“Impulsivity That Can Be Self Damaging”
I am a binge eater and have gained significant weight because of it. I buy expensive things to provide a moment of happiness. I have horrible credit because of that. In the past i would jump into bed with strangers. My daughter is the result of that and I will never regret getting pregnant with her. Some of my impulsive spending and high emotion resulted in tattoos. I have 16 tattoos.

“Suicidal or Self-Harm Behavior”
I will start by saying that I have never sought to end my life. I have extreme ups and downs and I have done things that could seem like suicide was my intention, but it never has been. I simply wanted to stop hurting or feeling so intensely. I have had 2 incidences where I took more medication than recommended. One of those times resulted in a trip to the hospital. I am also a cutter. I have managed to avoid cutting for a about 6 months. Many of my previous scars are faded, but they are still there.

“Unstable Sense of Self and Identity” and “Chronic Feelings of Emptiness”
Not much to say here. I am still trying to figure out who I am and how to love myself.

My reason for writing this post is because I don't want to feel the way I do anymore. I have lived my entire life holding things in and not letting others know how much I struggle, simply because I was afraid. I was afraid of what other would think and how they would treat me. They would think I was just weak or over-dramatic, seeking attention. I even tried to convince myself that that's exactly what I was. So, after 13 years of hiding in a corner, I am ready to find a solution. I want to find myself and what makes me happy. I want love myself and manage my emotions better. I want to provide a better example for my children. I want things to change.

My new plan for Steemit, is to try and share this journey with all of you. Maybe I can inspire someone else, like I have been inspired by some of the stories on here. I was going to wait until I had a certain number of followers before bearing my soul. But, I want to start making changes now. So hopefully my story and my journey will reach others. I don't know how long it will take and I will have bad days, but my number one goal is to not give up. My first step towards change is to post this new introduction, even though I am scared as hell to put myself and my feeling out there for others to criticize.

If you managed to read this entire post, I would like to thank you and to apologize. Thank you for taking the time to read and I am apologizing for the likely horrible grammar and misspelled words. I don't want to proof read this, for fear of changing my mind about posting it.

Hope you join me for the ride.

Quoted source The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide <--- Amazon Link to the book