An long introduction with a hint of self battle with mental super powers.

This is the best to an introduction I can possibly get. I am an engineering student at McMaster University, going into third year with absolutely no idea what I want to specialize in. Most students will figure out what they want to specialize in by second year, but not me. Friends tease me about it, and I usually laugh it off like its a joke, but it's not. There are underlying issues to why I can't come to a conclusion.

-Nice to meet you, would you like to carpool to work? -

I have always been unique, I love education and I gloat about how it's absolutely the best possible thing you can do to come to terms with mortality. Curiosity fuels drive and that helps drive everything that makes you human. However, what makes me unique? I have failed more courses than fingers on a human hand.

Started schooling in Kuwait in the Middle East, when I was 3 years old. Was the top student every year until grade three, at which point my family decided to move to London, England. Where we lived for one year and then moved to Florida, United States where we lived for another two years . In Florida, my education started taking a hit, in retrospect I also noticed that I was having a harder time creating friendships or relationships with any significance or value. I was able to invest myself in people and completely forget they even exist the next day. Thankfully, around this time is when my father got me my first broken down old laptop and my aunt bought me a Game Boy, these devices, while they have no significance to my father or aunt, they were a turning point to what I could invest my curiosity into.

• Bird view of the country I was born in - Kuwait -

After the two years in Florida, we moved to Pennsylvania for 5 months, where I clearly remember accidentally stealing some poor "Cool Kid" on the block's Yugioh card collection. He let the young new kid borrow it to look at it, and then suddenly the next morning I remembered on the car to Canada that I still had the decks. Poor dude, probably still holds a grudge. So this is where most of the travelling ends, we moved to Toronto, Canada in 2006 and have been living here ever since, I am also super happy to call ourselves proud Canadians since 2006.

Started grade 5 in Toronto, and noticed that my interest in education plummeted. The school here was simply not able to capture my attention or curiosity. Fast forward to grade 11, most of my classes bored me to the point where I was skipping out on 10 school days per month and ended up failing 6 courses purely on the basis that I missed too many classes. I was getting traction on YouTube and started playing for our Football team so I started focusing on skills I needed for those at the time to the point of exhaustion to do anything else. However, schools don't necessarily care if the student is passing the exams with mid 70's, or if there is a underlying problem to missing so many classes. They simply seem to not care. This was a great wake up moment for me, they gave me my very limited options and I asked if I could overload with night classes, while it was possible they did not allow for me to do it. So naturally, I dropped out in second semester of Grade 11.

The only thought I had this entire time is how I would be the greatest disappointment to my family. My father, and mother worked every single day pretty much non stop to give me this opportunity and I just went ahead and dropped the ball. I decided to pursue a self-propelled schooling and I locked myself in my room for 8 months, purely working on completing these courses. I didn't have any friends, I was always the friendly guy at school, everyone seemed to like me, part of the football team, brightened the mood to any awkward interactions. But I was never able to connect with any of them. I was very selective to who I shared my life with, since I ended up getting emotionally attached to that person and life didn't allow that growing up. One girl I met online during this time, she was from Ireland, was my first love. We talked daily for 8 months, and then...I just stopped talking to her, thinking I shouldn't be wasting her time when we can never be a together. I didn't think much of it then, and made myself believe that it was to protect her, when it was just me being selfish.

-Sometimes I forget I have this beating muscle inside of me-

I was depressed, and I was talking to doctors who led me to believe that I had ADHD and that came with a couplet of a personality disorder. This had a deep rooted stem in moving around consistently with never being able to adjust with the environment for too long. I have a hard time holding relationships, and honestly most times I end up being the guy I hate in movies. To people who try to get closer to understanding me, I like pushing them away. The best part? when someone claims that they know me too well, I get an absolute kick whenever someone says that, since I don't even know me yet.

The depression didn't last too long, stopping any sort with medication alongside a couple more kicks in the balls and I learned to cope with finding my meaning in life through technology, knowledge and investing which I plan to write more about in the future. As for the personality disorder? well it still haunts me to this day, upon coming to university I have been actively trying to let people into my life, but it ends up being more difficult than I initially thought. It's almost comforting knowing that you are protected from ever being hurt, but that comes with a heavy cost, you are a shell that leaves behind quite a lot of collateral damage on your path.

• Everyday is a battle to remind everyone I am alright -

ADHD is my superpower, it makes me who I am. A mad technology scientist, who has nothing but crazy hobbies that hop back and forth almost non stop. It help me realize that I absolutely love learning about everything, but it needs to pique my curiosity. I learned to use it as a defining point in my life, without telling everyone (Except you guys). Sadly the only negatives to this is the fact that I can't bring myself to be completely in love with one topic for long periods of time. At the same time, it lets me have bursts of interests. In the morning I will be engulfed in everything penetration testing and hacking, between that I might be into editing videos, hell I might have impulse purchased a lens on amazon because I want to be a film maker, but right after I end up working on my resume so I can put it up on my website which I built after trying a web development course on Udemy. I should model some things on Auto Cad, maybe I should set up a hyper-V server at my house, should really buy a server rack. Maybe I can 3D print it with my 3D printer that I built by hand. Hey at the end of the day I can do most calculations because I took a bunch of math and finished my minor in astrophysics in second year..
Is it a disability? - Well by definition it is. Depending on response, I'd love to have the chance to write about my experience with ADHD in a future post.

It's negatively portrayed by media and soccer moms, when its nothing but a blessing if you know how to utilize it. Also, the title doesn't do it justice, having disorder in the name, and people end up focusing on attention aspect of it. Driving long distances on highways when I am even a tad bit tired can be fatal, maybe I zone out in classes a lot, but doesn't everyone? I am lucky to have been affected by the hyperactivity the most. If you didn't know there are three levels of ADHD.

1. Inattentive

Inattentive ADHD is what’s usually meant when someone uses the term ADD. This means a person shows enough symptoms of inattention (or easy distractibility) but isn’t hyperactive or impulsive.

1. Hyperactive/impulsive

This type occurs when a person has symptoms of hyperactivity and impulsivity but not inattention.

1. Combined

Combined ADHD is when a person has symptoms of inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity.

-Imagine being able to completely lose yourself in something productive when you should be doing something else..-

Was there a point to this story? well not really, its the defining points of hardships in my life. Everyone has their own, and to certain few it will have a point, and to the rest it might not. I might have not chosen what specific stream I want to do in Engineering, but I can tell you that the only reason I am having such a hard time is because I want to do everything.

I just hope to share the lovely points of my life, alongside projects and ways I cope with my mental illness without medication. I hope you guys enjoyed my overly long, Introduction-Mental Illness - Education - Life Story - Travel - ish post, I am sure I went all over the place with this, but I am glad to be here and I can't wait to share more experiences! (Maybe a little bit more organized in the future!)

-That's me in the front! The red jumpsuits is the suit for welcome week representatives for the faculty of engineering at McMaster -

Thanks for reading cheers!
Mesh aka. PixelizedChaos