Hello plebs. Let me introduce myself. I'm the fuckin' British Prime Minister, and you're all my bitches

in introduceyourself •  6 years ago 

theresa may queens speech.jpg

Right you filthy lot. Theresa here, first minister of the United Kingdom, and boss of half the world. Sit up straight, pay attention and listen to me!

I've decided to come onto this smelly platform to give you all a piece of my mind, because you're all a bunch of nasty disobedient serfs who need to be whipped into shape to do as you're bloody told by your betters (that's me and my friends).

I've been told I need to increase my social media presence by Donald, the wiggy impotent fuckhead from across the pond. He reckons getting a good presence on the computery web is by far the best way to get the parasitic British working class voting for me and my fundamentalist partners (the Democratic Unionists....a weird lot, but sometimes they're useful when you want to pass a law to bring back the stoning of hunt saboteurs or you need to hide some papers with evidence of front benchers porking children at Dolphin Square).

So, I'm delighted to tell you that I will be dropping by from time to time to give you an update on how we intend to continue to rob you all blind and make you slaves pay even more for your board and lodgings, whilst removing all the essential public services that we promised you so you'd exercise your smidging of democracy that we allow you to have every five years....well, we would, except for the fact that we're going to rig the vote anyway, so basically you're stuck with me for a little while yet.

Apparently, David Davies says I can earn a top up on my £200,000 salary (plus fudged expenses of course), which should go some way to renovating my two houses. My dear Husband, Phillip, he's a bit on his arse at the moment, as his hedge fund now only controls 1.2 Trillion in assets, so every little helps. So upvote me you whaley bastards, or I'll be sending MI5 round to give you a prod in the arse with a neutron-bomb-umbrella or something.

It's taken me three fucking weeks to get this account open, which by the standards of my government is quite fast at getting anything done, but to be honest, I've spent a bit of time looking through posts by some very unwashed looking people on here, and I'm thinking I might need to put in a little call to GCHQ and get them all on a terrorist watchlist. Especially that fucking @dandicks. He's a right fucking annoying little arse-bandit.

But it's a bit shit really, I mean, I am the sodding PM after all, and I expect a bit of respect from the dweebs who run this show. Don't they know I'm busy....I've got a bleeding war to start with that evil looking Russian cunt, I've got the bloody EU shitting all over my parade on Brexit negotiations, and that fat twat Kim Jong Un is really starting to piss me off. I don't have time for all this crap really. It makes me very very angry, and you wouldn't like me when I'm angry!!!

So, hello to you all. Now, how do I go about getting a following here? Normally I ring up that daft bellend at the BBC and get him to send a docile camera crew around whilst I tour a hospital for spastic-cripples who by rights should be euthanised, and just hope that useless, pacifist wanker Corbyn doesn't get wind of it.

Right, I'll figure it out.

Follow me for my daily musings on what I think is wrong in the world, and why I'm gonna make sure it gets wronger and wronger every day!

Bye for now plebian bitches.

Theresa.
xxx

Authors get paid when people like you upvote their post.
If you enjoyed what you read here, create your account today and start earning FREE STEEM!
Sort Order:  

Hello Theresa!

Nice to see you here. I am looking forward to your high quality content.
Please follow me and upvote my posts.

Kind regards,

Angela Merkel
The Chancellor of the Federal Republic of Germany

you stupid old witch-titted trout, with your wanky hair and your brass clitoris. You've done nothing for me, and you've fucked our economy....

  ·  6 years ago (edited)

hey @angela.merkel, You still talking to facebook?

Aufkleber: Merkel muß weg 100 St. Schwarz

Hi @angela, welcome to #steemit nice to meet you
I like @starkerz too

You forgot your bra last saturday. Please call me so I can give it back.

vlad, i told you, not in public. We're meant to be squaring off. Did you like my little trick in salisbury by the way? Shame it didn't work, but I suppose that's what happens when you buy your chemical weapons from the Libyans.

Theresa, you haggard old harpy! What a joy it is to see your uniquely repulsive blend of massive ego and reptilian sociopathy here on Steemit! I am weeping with laughter and my belly is officially bust! 😂 🔥😂 🔥😂 🔥😂 🔥 I have my special pleb-blend popcorn ready! This is going to be good!

Ah, @jaytaylor, you sycophantic peasant. Why are you wasting your time on here messing about, when you should be out working hard to pay me and my government 48% of your entire earnings in direct and indirect taxation? Poor people in other countries aren't going to bomb themselves you know!

Only 48%, Tezza? I'm sure it must keep you awake nights wondering how you can get your sticky, gnarly fingers on the other 52%...

I've got a plan. I'm calling it Child Tax Debits. Every one of your mewling offspring will be tax liability. Gingers, Autistics and Cripples will be double taxed. Maybe even triple.

Although there will be some tax breaks for parents who add pure Aspartame to their babies bottles.

I think this piece has my favourite comments of all Steemit posts.

I second that notion, @dannyshine - the comments are the cherry on the cake!

that evil looking Russian cunt

is not only evil looking, if u know what i mean
and willing to admit it

  ·  6 years ago Reveal Comment

@youtake pulls you up ! This vote was sent to you by @stimialiti!

I always knew Steemit would get the traction we deserve. It’s so refreshing seeing our leaders speak truthfully for once.

Steemit can suck my arse. My nephew runs SERCO, and I'm going to give them 10 Billion of extorted tax revenue to produce an alternative front end to the blockchain that looks exactly the same, but doesn't work. We'll run it for a couple of years, leech the cash out to a Swiss bank account, then shut it down, and you daft cunts won't even notice.

I love the way that you have managed to underfund our emergency services like the police forces until they are massively overworked and morale is at an all time low but are still willing to protect you and your buddies while you shit on them from a great height. Really inspiring witchcraft.

Yes, it's good isn't it. I'm so fucking brilliant, I even amaze myself sometimes.

I'm working towards not funding anything at all, and making you plebs pay for your health care by double mortgaging your homes. If you've have a triple heart bypass, well, you're basically worthless, so I'd be doing you a favour by having your house repossessed so you die quicker laid on a park bench.

From funny to utterly chilling in one comment..

Wait until you see my next manifesto!

Now I really wish you were joking 😂

anarchic love! If only I was on the electoral register....!

I'll put you on a different kind of register if you like....

hi theresa.may, it’s nice to see new face on steemit, hope you will spread positive vibes in steemit.and keep up the good work on steemit...;-) and be regular on steemit it will make grow you faster... ;-)

Welcome to steemit , upvoted you will regularly do on your good work , for newbie tips and basic information you can check my blog at @adityajainxds

If you want that your post should be curated, join MINNOW POST PROMOTION - FREE UPVOTE,
You will get a 10% upvote from @adityajainxds.
If you like to join the contest please follow @adityajainxds for daily updates.


We have other service also running for minnow support @sunrawhale BidBot , SUNRAWHALE - Send Min. 0.1 SBD or 0.1 STEEM to @sunrawhale : 2.4 hr bidding rounds, Automatically refunds invalid bid!!!
Delegate To @sunrawhale And Earn 90% of SBD Earn Daily, With Daily Payout.
https://steemit.com/delegation/@adityajainxds/invitation-call-for-delegator-and-sponsors-for-sunrawhale-delegator-retun-90-payout-on-daily-basis


You Have My Back.....
Thanks @adityajainxds

I hope you spontaneously combust, leaving no will, so me and the Queen can pinch your estate from under the noses of your grieving family. You cockwomble.

:)) crying with laughter by now!

pussy.

😂😂😂😂😂

I love this raw truth! Bit of Humor and voila - you have got yourself a new follower! Just don't deport me after that 😜

Next time you try to fly back into the UK I'm going to have the border police anally probe you, and plant 400lbs of heroin up your ringpiece.

Theresa! Don't be so rude. Otherwise... They will cast their magic WW spell again.

Will you just fucking DIE already? It's bad enough you're still going, but people are starting to notice that every time you and your bleeding family go in for a "HIP OPERATION" looking all haggard, (then you come out three days later looking about 20 years younger) a virgin goes missing at exactly the same time.....!!!!

Wow, steemit is a special place

Nice. the queen's here! Silly old goat.

It's quite a party here!

Let me handle the deportation. My country has some experience with it @rimicane

bloody krauts, always trying to muscle in on my party.

😂 😂 😂

Brilliant. Utterly brilliant.

Good. Now back to work peasant.

Great to hear some political honesty. I'm fed up with hypocritical politicians. I can't stand you and your party, but then the opposition is a shambles too these days. Just don't let Boris or Jacob get in charge

Why? What the fuck is wrong with Jacob being in charge? He's a man of the people, didn't everyone's father give them a vial of the oil used to anoint the head of queen Victoria during her coronation when they were a schoolboy like Jacobs dad did?
Screen Shot 2018-04-29 at 21.40.21.png

And I can't stand your stupid glasses and big face. As long as you keep paying your taxes, you can have one day every half decade where you think you get a choice by voting for my Husbands hedge fund.

And as a kicker, the penalty for owning a guitar will now be 1000 lashes in the public square. See, I did learn something when I went to Saudi Arabia!!!

Do I remind you too much of Gove?

Uuugh. Horrible little moonfaced weasel. My worst nightmare would be waking up to find myself being spit-roast by you two....

wonderful post & thread! laugh out loud writing and honest social & political commentary. good work theresa well done i look forward to more:)

thank you. Now report to your GP for some psychosis inducing school-shooter pills.

Ma'am, I still seem to be experiencing difficulties over our discussion of the chav epidemic we are experiencing. Any chance of obtaining some of that Lybian gas going around at the moment?
I was thinking of gassing all the peasants shopping at the Chav infested hellhole that is Primark. Aftertall there is nothing worse than an oink who believes they look good in anything other than Burberry, Prada or Chanel. It just makes me shudder at the thought!

PS: Please have MI5 delete the attached message

Why do you think I'm so keen about putting Fracking wells in populated areas in Lancashire?

pity this high quality comedy got few upvotes just about £15 worth. so sad.

Agreed, a greed, but there's time yet, @asbear - and I predict that the PM's reach will expand exponentially. She's very new here on Steemit. Despite being 5,000 years old and having cast aside a succession of human bodies after sucking them dry and moving to a new host 😂

Fucking stop giving the game away, or you're going to be first on the Lava Ducking Stool (my very own invention, I'm going to rent the idea to the CIA).

Hello, welcome to steemit. Give you an upvote. I give you tips below that you might interested to read.
Steemit New User Tips: IntroduceYourself/Introduction Post


Upvoting this comment will help street children of MANILA to feed them. Read the blog here!

hey @theresa.may

steemitComment.png
We are excited to see you join us here! Steemit is a remarkable platform that is built to reward users for creating quality content. Its a logic called proof of brain.

As for TechChat, think of us as DJs that create tech content instead of music. We create content by looking for the most shocking, interesting, and exciting breakthroughs in the tech space. Basically - we do all the research so you don't have to.

We hope to hear your opinion on TechChat’s content! We always love to hear from our community.

Happy Steeming 🚀

Just a guess, but judging from her Intro, I think Theresa's going to tell you that you're a plebby cunt and your tech is shitbollocks 😂

You're a plebby cunt and your tech is shitbollocks.

😂😂😂😂😂

Welcome Theresa, I hope steemit will be able to correct some wrong in your administration

Is your arse jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth? There's NOTHING wrong in my administration. Everything is just rosy, and always has been. Now fuck off back to your telly and participate in the 10 minutes hate, and you will feel so much better....

Welcome to Steemit theresa.may. Let me know if you got any questions about Steem or anything related to it! The official FAQ can be found here and has A LOT of information https://steemit.com/faq.html - Also remember, Steemit is just ONE of the sites built that uses Steem the blockchain. We also have DTube - our very own Youtube, DSound for Soundcloud and Steepshot if you prefer Instagram like experience. I'd also like to mention ChainBB - forums, Busy - Steemit with more modern look basically, DMania for memes and Dlive for streaming just like in Twitch! You can also earn Steem by gaming now! Search for Steemgar if that's more your thing. Welcome to the blockchain! :)

Hello @theresa.may thank you for renewing your premium dporn.club membership!

  ·  6 years ago Reveal Comment

How about some more of you upvoting this comment of hers to get it visible again?

I have said, many times, that some people use flagging as a tool for censoring - that is obviously what is being attempted here.

I've made a start....now your turn

สวัสดี ฉันชอบคุณ และจะติอตามคุณนะ

Wow - they really got that spitting image doll of you looking realistic!

I don't know whether that's a compliment or an insult.

Fuck it, I don't care, i'm sending Anti-Terrorism police round to your house to rip your arms out of their sockets, and suffocate you in front of your kids, then I'm going to put them into foster homes on Jersey.

A fair and proportional response methinks!

hey I like your post its cool, follow me back!Letter Gothic-01-01.png

fuck off pleb. I lead. You follow.

😆

Do you expect to be taken seriously?