Hello world; this is my coming out party.

Let me introduce myself! I'm Rachael, a 25 year old woman living in NEPA, making my way. I've been the proud owner of a Cairn Terrier, a West Highland Terrier, a potbellied pig, a stray neighborhood cat, a Subaru Forester, and a 5'0 body. I'm a college dropout, unemployed (but desperately looking), and I want to publish a children's book one day. I'm a sister, a daughter, a friend, an aunt, and up until Thanksgiving 2017, a wife.

Everything in my life changed with a handful of words; ones I'd never even worried about hearing in my lifetime. So after my husband of 3 years made the declaration that he doesn't love me anymore & doesn't want to be married, I'm starting over.

I'm sitting on my mother's couch; I'm staying with her now. It's white with blue & green stripes. It's funny to be back, after having gotten married and building my own home. Do I wish he'd told me this before I quit my job, we got rid of our 2nd car, adopted a bunch of pets, finally gotten on our own cell phone plan, and consolidated all of our debt? Sure. But here we are; I'm sleeping on a couch, trying to find a job, buy a car, find an apartment to house myself and the 1 dog I'll be taking with me; all the things a person does when it's time to step out into the world as an individual.

It's tough to do it with a broken heart, having text fights with my ex about whether or not to go to counseling, how we'll split up the dishes and the dogs and the furniture in #divorce, how if he loved me even a little, he'd care to put the work in, but he doesn't. But with all the things stripped away that may have defined me before, it's just me now. I'm not part of a union anymore, I'm not part of a town, I'm not really a member of any household. I'm not a caretaker or a pet owner or even an employee. Just me. When you’re on your own after having been part of a unit, you feel so lonely and strange.

You learn about yourself. You lose weight, you gain weight. You go to a therapist. You take all the blame, you place all the blame on everyone else. You feel sad, you feel angry. You feel hopeful, you feel lost. Your eyebrows start to feel itchy when your religious aunt who says Jesus hates divorce asks where your wedding ring is. You walk into a bank and tell them you need to open a savings account; you look young so they ask if it’s your first one. You have to explain that no, it’s not. You have to explain that the address on your license is technically your address, but you really don’t live there. Can then send it to a secondary address until you get a permanent place?

When this all started happening, I started journaling it. Looking back, it’s become an interesting snapshot into heartbreak and the grief that goes along with the end of a #marriage. It’s got bright spots and some really heavy ones, but it’s honest. I thought I’d share some of the entries on here, and see if they lend any perspective to anyone going through something similar. I can use this space to share my journey, ask questions and lean on you all for support while I make my life mine again. I could use the help, and the companionship, and I may be able to be a shoulder to lean on for someone else. I hope to learn the nuances of Steem so I can make these entries interesting to read & insightful.

I’m sad, but I’m excited. I’ve never lived on my own. I’ve never had a pet that was just mine, or an apartment, or a car. It was always “ours”. I’ve got a world of first ahead of me, and while I have no money or possessions, or much life experience, I’ve got a lifetime ahead, and quite a bit of hope that I’ll end up alright. I’ve also got a support group, a tiny circle of family and friends, who’ve shown me intense kindness, and it’s been the most important thing to help me get through this rough patch. I’m aiming to be that for someone else, even in a small way!