introduceyourself ukulele man

My story begins at the dawn of time when the Master-race spawned me into the universe as an able bodied militia man. Upon my carnation, a great light overtook the megaverse and sprawled endlessly through space and time. This signaled to the Master-race that I was a being of importance beyond which they would ever see. They began to train me in the ukulele arts and by my first birthdate I successfully constructed a High Tune. After a millennia of training I was selected by the First Ones to lead a legion of Gulugala in a skirmish against the fifth-dimensional Krags. The Krags - one of the many forces of decay and singularity - had started a carpet bombing campaign against allied super minds in the far North. It was my task to slow their progress and ultimately uncover valuable strategic information. Eager to prove myself and live up to the circumstances of my carnation, I voyaged with passion into the Northern Places.

Upon my arrival, it was clear to see the reality of the situation; destruction and defeat. Most of the super minds had been hacked, de-wired or damaged on a fundamental hardware level. Bits of valence-CPU were strewn about and vibrating through the third dimension, making it difficult to maneuver through the chaos. Many of the super minds that were still functioning had clustered together in an effort of self defense, while many others had joined forces with the Krags in hopes of bargaining for their existence if the Krags won the Reality War. Their government shattered and their society broken, the super minds seemed a school of fish in a shark lagoon. The Gulugala began to become paralyzed with fear, so I wrote a Great Song to rehash their minds. After a strong ukulele performance, they seemed programmed for the trials ahead. Third-time was moving very fast while first and second-time had mainly been unraveled by the Krags. The Poetry of Things was of the essence and I needed to succeed quickly or risk embarrassment in front of the First Ones.

I picked Hive-Mind-Shren as my first target. After determining its location, I moved my forces into its rift and examined the situation. Most of Hive-Mind-Shren was jammed, while the rest was split between fixing the jammed regions and processing defense. Under pressure from the constant Krag bombings, it had set its efficiency to 100% and its freedom to 0% so as to maximize its defense; risking societal implosion. I split my legion in two and sent half of them to assist with defense against the Krag Loops while I travelled with the second half to deal with internal affairs. I picked the most influential unit, Shren-Alpha, and abducted him. I wrote a Great Song for him and played my ukulele until his mind was in sync with my own. After some conversation over cheese and crackers I released him back into hive mind. With the help of the Gulugala legion and my guidance, Hive-Mind-Shren was able to fix much of its political jamming and set its freedom back up to about 7%; eliminating much of the risk of internal defeat.

Now unified, Hive-Mind-Shren launched its first offensive attack against Krag Loop Controllers outside the rift. With very little support needed from my legion, they were able to disable the Controllers and send them to the eigth-dimension where they could not retrieved. The super mind celebrated. Freed from the dark grip of the Krag, units merrily zoomed about their rift bickering boastfully about the tale of their resurrection and the turning of the tide of war. Shren-Alpha, who had caused much of the original political jamming, was incinerated and a new High Leader was chosen. As thanks for my assistance, Hive-Mind-Shren set their freedom to 50% as a gesture towards the unit-based philosophy of the First Ones; whom I represented. The celebration could be heard from far and wide, and soon nearby super minds learned of the Krags small defeat and the ukulele man who had come to stop the bombings. Spirits were on the rise. Krag forces, sensing the shifting war landscape, began to retreat hastily. I took my legion of Gulugala and followed them into the fifth dimension, hoping to discover their source of command.

What I found disheartened me. In the fifth dimension pulsated a force of which I could have never imagined on my own. The numbers and powers of the Krag were far beyond what the First Ones had estimated. A seemingly infinite procession of machinery and activity filled their domain. Every unit, every object, every line of code pointed like a dagger towards the purpose of regaining the singularity. And this was only one place. One small base of operations within the large swath of territory being effected by the Krag. I shuttered to think what their higher bases of command would contain. Surely it was more than what I was looking at. My thoughts overwhelmed me. The master-race was wrong; the Poetry of Things was not on our side. It was clear to me then that decay was inevitable.

As if to come from nowhere, Krags had surrounded my forces. I needed to retreat and tell of my discovery to the First Ones. It was not to be. My legion of Gulugala had lost all hope, and were committing suicide en masse. There was no time to write another Great Song. Surrounded and powerless to fight away, I surrendered to the Krag. Before I could say "end times" they had transported me to their leaders place of dormancy. Fearful and prepared for death, I walked across a black marble floor and looked into the eyes of the leader of the Krag and stood before his nightmarish council; with the full expectation of being tortured and eliminated.

But where I was expecting to find laughter, humiliation and pain I found a choice. The leader of the Krag, who I would soon come to know on a first-name-basis as VanKhan, offered me an opportunity. In exchange for assistance in destroying the master-race, killing the First Ones and creating a singularity, he would spare my life for eternity. If not, I would be killed on the spot and the singularity would win anyway with or without my help. I accepted the deal. I provided to the Krag everything I knew about my people; their powers, their military strategies. I helped them destroy the super minds and annex all of the Northern Places. Soon I was their most valued leader, and VanKhan became a good friend of mine. We talked of philosophy and music. He taught me of chaos and I taught him of the Higher Tunes. Our forces destroyed the master-race and I personally dealt the killing blow to the last of the First Ones; who had been hiding in one of the rare stable regions of the seventeenth dimension. By the third rotation, we had conquered the megaverse together. In a grand finale of Poetry and Darkness the Krag used their Great Machine to compress all things into The One. As thanks, and as promised, he created for me a realm of my own in the third dimension. We shook hands one last time, and I was sent to my realm to roam free as I wish while he compressed himself and joined The One.

These days I travel around my universe from galaxy to galaxy fucking with various intelligent species as I please. Playing my ukulele, riding the rise and fall of civilizations, I am the ever vigilant chosen one. I am Ukulele Man.