My introduction and why i killed my life at 39

in introduction •  8 years ago 

Hi everyone this is my first post and introduction to Steemit and i am excited about the response i might get.  So without any further delay let me set the scene for you all.  


So one day just changed everything, I should have seen it coming or at least have admitted to myself but i clung on for dear life right up to the end.  I had no time to think about anything but work, i missed my family and i felt so distant from my wife, i had been missing my son for the last 5 years and my daughter who were growing up every minute i wasn't there, but i had a mortgage on the house and cars to pay for etc.  You know the usual stuff most average people deal with.  My social life took a back seat to the pressure of work, and it was a good job in the sense it paid really well and as much as that sounds good it meant that the expectation on what i should be able to cope with seemed to be magnified.  I was an assessor for NVQ qualifications which meant i helped people get qualified in their employment.

I worked for a college where Lord Nelson was at school but i was bullied by an unscrupulous manager until i suffered a breakdown and was constructively dismissed.  I then set up my own business in education running government contracts all over the country but mostly driving 4 hours to London and staying away for days at a time.  When the funding was cut i managed to get a job doing the same thing again in a terrible company.  After a year working there the day came....inexplicably, suddenly and almost irrationally but there it was all the same.

(Above me in my corporate monkey suit) 

It happened when I had finished a caseload of 103 students that i had, i was supposed to have 23 maximum and 2 years to do it and i had 6 months.  My boss called me into the office to give me a written warning for one candidate who didn't finish the work of which i just snapped right there in the office.  I listened to her ranting with her disparaging nonsense, her lack of humanity, it crushed my soul right there on the cord carpet near the photocopier.   I had such a sense of hopelessness that no matter what i did my life would continue to go on this loop of self destruction, I didn't know what to say, i stuttered, clasping for a moment of wisdom to put her right but it wouldn't come out.  My right hand was trembling (thanks to my neurological disorder from bullying).  Then the rage welled up in my stomach and it was a rage of white hot heat as it were.   I found myself saying things i would never have said to a person paying me money to do a job, i could hardly believe what i was saying, was that coming from my mouth?  Oh my god shut up i thought.... but no my words hit her like a smack in the mouth i had lost it and i could see in my peripheral vision colleagues looking through the office window thinking 'Your a dead man now'.


I stormed out of the office and stood in the hall next to reception  staring at the door until i heard the receptionist say "Are you okay?"

I paused and looked at her and said "Something has to change" and left the building and went home and never went back.


What was to follow was nothing short of a biblical salted earth policy, i went on a rampage of bridge burning, facebook was dropped, mobile phones were sold, i couldn't look at my computer, my band kicked me out because going bankrupt was a problem for them?  I wouldn't have minded but my brother was in the band!  My friends saw me struggling and then left me to it, debt collector problems, my 2 Alpha Romeo cars were sold and my beloved T4 campervan were sold for peanuts, sold the cooker to buy food, sold everything i owned and then my wife sat me down at a local cafe and said we need to talk.


She held my hand and said that we should get rid of the house, get rid of everything and start again, she loved me for who i am and will love me for whoever i will become.  What will be will be.   I still feel all watery eyed when i think of it now and i felt bad that i had failed her but here she was loving me more than ever, seeing my torment and upset, having faith that our love was more important than any status, money, friends, cars or being a bass player or any of the other stuff i had tried to achieve for the whole of my life and that was the first realisation that life is short and love means more than anything.  Its more than percieved wealth or knowledge, it began my journey of rediscovering my wife, myself and my life as a whole.  I now knew i had to change for the better and rid myself of the chains that bond all of us to the hamster wheel.  Yes i fell off it but instead of getting up and rejoining the others on that wheel i just lay there smiling as they all either ignored me, plugged in to the latest gadget, thinking they were going somewhere but ultimately not.   I began to understand that the fools are laughing at me but i am laughing at them, running towards that heart attack, missing their children, suffering intolerable stress to keep up.

(Our newest chick)

We finally gave up the house laughing as the baillifs came in, i offered them a coffee but then said we dont have a kettle, funny what you remember.  That was 2012 so fast forward to 2016 and where have i ended up now?  Do i live in a bin down the side of an alley, in prison, busking on the streets.......no, not at all.  Just because one life ended doesn't mean it's the end, this is a positive message of hope for anyone who feels the same or has fallen off the wheel and wondering what now.

(Above chicken coops and chalet built from rubbish)

We rented a fairly derilict property from a farmer in the country, I grow my own food, have built an aquaponics unit, started breeding and keeping chickens, been to college for 2 years and retrained as a gamekeeper, just bought a ruined camper van and rebuilding it, learned how to hunt, took my kids out of school and teaching them from home, avoided all government unemployment benefits, my wife now works 2 days a week and supports all the bills but we spend a lot of time together now and i am a stay at home dad.  I have put thousands of hours into understanding what is going on in the world (not good) and hedging our life against the inevitable.

(What is left of the camper, er not a lot)

So this is the end of the introduction to who i am and my posts, videos and blogs will reflect this life change, the rebuilding of the camper from scratch, how i teach my children at home, how i deal with the chickens, food preservation,  and any other societal dissassociative activities that may be of interest to someone.  I know i am not alone in this awakening of the human spirit that has taken about as much as it can and now wants to extracate itself from the rat race of human activity that leaves people broken.  If any of this heartfelt introduction has had any impact on you then please join me and my family as we push to become as free from the general workings of cultural expectations and happier healthier people who wish to exist in love and a hankering to experience a life of meaning and discovery.  

(from monkey suit to country gentleman)

Thanks for your time and interest and hopefully

Sean 


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I initially read the title as why I killed my wife at 39 and thought I HAVE to read this! It wasn't until after reading the post that I realized I had read the title wrong. Welcome to Steemit, looking forward to reading more from you!

That gave me a laugh, sorry for the confusion my wife is alive and well, thanks again and I will hopefully have a video on the next one.

She really doesn't deserve that. She sounds incredible.

I could hug you and your family. Welcome to Steemit!
My family has gone through similar loss and we're trying to find our way as well. We need to get out of this vicious cycle. We are diligently working our way in the same direction. Land. Grow, forage and raise our food. Be as self-sustaining as possible. It's scary when faced with loss. But sometimes you have to cut the leg to stop the infection. I wish you well and I am looking forward to reading about your journey.

Thank you for your kind comments, i have had so much positive response that it has really been quite overwhelming to my introduction. I'm always grateful for any positive comments as like you said yourself it is a daunting and scary issue when you lose so much and i have for the last few years had very few people locally who understand or possibly care so its comforting to know we are not alone. I am going to follow you as i hope to build up connections with like minded people and i know that we are all trying to reconnect with skills that are valuable, traditional, sensible even vital if things don't improve. Do keep in touch and thanks again your support and interest gives me a great deal of encouragement. I look forward to reading some more of your posts and trading information, speak to you soon.

Incredible story! Isn't it amazing how you can take on anything if you are with the right partner? My husband and I effectively dropped out of "civilized" society just a year before you and your wife. I have only touched on this in my blog so far, but at some point I will share more. There's nothing about it in my introduction, when I first came on here a couple of week ago (from the thankfully insistent prodding of my awesome man who has always believed in my creativity) I had no idea what I was doing, or what kind of place this was. If I had, I would have done it differently. I'm still getting a feel for what it is I want to focus on here, and lately have spent a bit of time getting to know the music community for my brother who I hope to see on here in the near future. If you do end up at my blog, you'll see him right away with his guitar. So welcome to this fantastic place Sean! Thank you for such an inspirational, honest, and from the heart introduction. I will be following along to see where your story leads!

Thank you so much for your comment, i have found so many encouraging people on here and that so many have had a similar experience. It is very easy to feel isolated and it might be part of the reason why i started doing these blogs. Maybe it needs to be communicated before i can put it to rest either way its good to meet people like yourself and i have followed and upvoted your comment. Hopefully many more chats to come, and i will give your posts a look over too. thanks

Hey Sean, welcome to Steemit!

I read your introduction with interest. I've been there too, and I look forward to hearing more of your story. Good luck with the camper van. I hope you share your rebuilding efforts here; I would be glad to see that!

Whoa man, that seriously moved me.. It makes me happy to hear you had the courage to jump off that wheel of madness. I have a similar story myself, and I'm sure many others do to. BE THE CHANGE my friend. Thank you!

Thank you for your kind words, i have had more encouragement on Steemit in less than 2 hours than i have had in 5 years. I think i will check out your blogs too especially if you have gone through the same meat grinder I have. It can be isolating being different from the main body of people sometimes so its great to speak to people like yourself. Thanks my friend and keep in touch.

  ·  8 years ago (edited)

Very honest post. I will definitely read it again. I'm 23 and I wonder about the life ahead of me and i don't think is good. as you said " I began to understand that the fools are laughing at me but i am laughing at them, running towards that heart attack, missing their children, suffering intolerable stress to keep up." I don't want this yet I feel like i'm sacrificing my youth to become just that, a tool. Thanks for posting this. I will start following you from now on. may be reading your post could help reach some type of answers.

Hello and thankyou for your comment, glad to have you onboard my friend, i have a feeling life will take some tough turns for all of us soon as the daft people running the world seem hell bent on destroying it, if it isn't our culture its the rainforest, or our freedoms. My first step was to find out who i am, what really meant things to me and then i worked out what was not good in my life and got rid of it. The world is full of people like you and me who dont fit in but the real lie seems to be the myth that there is no option but theirs and it just isn't true. You are a free person to make your own choices and do it with integrity despite the people who laugh and mock you for it. Take courage my friend we are all on this short journey together and there lies the hope to those who seek freedom. You dont have to be what they say you must be, start by finding inspiration for your own life, its a good start. Keep in touch and hopefully ill hear from you soon. Sean

Welcome, and I can't wait to read more from you!

Amazing introduction. Welcome aboard!

Thank you for your kind comment.

@gameywatchman, welcome to steemit my friend. We need more county gentlemen.

I am pleased to say you are the very first comment and it is greatly appreciated, thank you. All the best

My husband went through the same corporate grinder, I took him to my home state Oregon after living in Chicago and we raised chickens and grew our own food too, he healed and is doing okay. You are blessed <3

Hello it is so nice to hear from someone who has been through it, thank heavens for my wife and getting back to wholesome values like family and time to get myself right. Just so thankful we figured it out half way through our life and didn't waste anymore time down that road. And your husband and myself are truly blessed to have wives like you to step in. Thank you also for your comment I have only been on for an hour or so. Take care and do drop in to check on some of the blogs videos. All the best

Most of our tech friends had to teach people in India their job and were promptly laid off as workforce reduction. This type of business practice had destroyed communities, families, and individuals. We knew this was coming but still had a hard time protecting our psyche... I took my husband home and taught him gardening and animal husbandry, it is truly a healing type work. I think going back to our source will heal us and our planet. Our healing will start through healing our inner and outer biome! Steemon!

I agree with you and wish the understanding we have could be even more widespread so we could be more effective, however people are coming to terms with the reality of how we have been manipulated and the damage it does to everything. Lets hope more people start changing and really gumming up the works of the destructive powers that be.

Your introduction is a powerful one. It brought a tear to my eye thinking about how you must have been feeling at your lowest. When the people we love and who loves us back actually stand by us it can seem like a revelation....what a beautiful thing and what a wonderful wife you have. I love how you've crafted a new, more wholesome life. You have my admiration for what it's worth. I'd have given that manager such a tongue lashing for you....I loath bullies. Great post, welcome to Steemit!

Wow, thank you so much for your kind words, and i have so many people saying they have been in a similar situation and it really shows there is something not working right in our society where this goes unpunished as a whole. Although this might make you feel better about that boss in particular i mentioned in my article, a short while after leaving i was contacted by a friend at that company to see if i was alright and she said the boss was shouting at someoone else and got so angry she had a heart attack and was carted off in an ambulance! truth is stranger than fiction. My wife saved my life and there is a real story of serendipity i may do an article on as i met the mother of my children for one day when i was 18 i just never knew it and then married her 27 years later as our paths kept crossing inexplicably. I even kept a photo of that one day we spent with her brother at Pleasure wood hills and couldn't part with it even though i was travelling and living abroad for years. There is a real tapestry to life and sometimes you can see it in things. I am truly blessed with my wife and thankful i have a chance to make a better life and hopefully my articles will show our efforts and keep people returning and to the articles. Thank you again and hopefully our paths will cross in the future. Take care Sean

Wow, I have learnt alot from you. I appreciate this.

Thank you for your comment, i hope to have many more posts on our endeavours towards a more free existence. take care and keep in touch

I misread the title at first too, read it again, and read this post LOL. Funny,

UV (upvoted) your post!

Welcome to Steemit! There is lots to see, do and learn here!


Hi Barry thanks for the upvote, still trying to get the hang of it all but its getting there, already met some great people with encouraging comments so very happy to have that already.

If you go down my personal blog posts that I have written, it was only a couple days ago, you will find one very useful full of tools. The title was something like my Steemit 101 name I used - and using tabs and sep. browswer to store the useful stats/analytics pgs in them! It is a great resource idea for you!

Thank you for that i will certainly have a look as some of the information can be a little daunting. Certainly enjoying my experience so far i'll let you know as soon as i have had a good look and digested the info. thanks again

and you may as well look at this one after LOL --- a lot of people had issues..... if you learn this new, you will be aware upfront of it!

https://steemit.com/til/@barrydutton/til-weird-error-msg-when-posting-login-screen-too-long-refreshed-fixed-it

Great introduction. Welcome to steemit.

Thank you and will check out some of your posts too.

I am happy to see someone made the right choice,all the best.

Thanks and will check out some of your posts.

Great introduction man! Wish I was a writer like you are... very awesome spirit, and awesome to see you on STEEM... That was a sentimental story and I'm glad that you're here. Thanks Sean for writing from the heart like that. Very well spoken words. Wise too!

Thank you very much and look forward to reading some of your posts too. Until then speak to you later.

Same to you! I'll upvote some of your work as I read some here in a bit... much appreciated!

Good on you, honest with yourself! I hit the rural farm life thing for awhile then had a calling to get more schooling. My Kansas is always calling me though. Anyhow, thanks for commenting and following my intro. Done likewise!

Thanks Nacho and will be keeping an eye out for your posts.

Huge respect to you, sir! What a big man you have been to drag yourself back into self-respect, the foundation of everything, I believe. A huge hug and thanks to your wife who equally deserves all the respect in the world. Following you mate! Hampshire/Dorset!

Hello and thank you for your support, your comment helps us as a family to know we are not alone in our thinking or actions. I think you are my first official follower ever. So thank you and hopefully we will keep in touch and there should be some videos soon if i can find a free editor for the video ive taken of the van. keep in touch and i'll have a look at your blogs too.

I learned to ride so I could go hunting as well - to see what the antis were on about - brilliant fun - just organised chaos - drinking on a fired up horse! Thank you too for your comments, much appreciated. Which part of England?

Im in Norfolk, really flat but there is a large country community that supports and understands the need for ecology to be judiciously monitored although i went to Easton College to become a gamekeeper so i could understand that aspect and get some trigger time as it were. I also took the qualification to become a large game hunter for deer which was great fun too. I used to be a chef back in the 80s so now i can actually go from field to fork with my food. I have gone back in time as i dont really like the progressiveness of our society but i like a lot of the old values and it seemed to fit. Quite a handy shot now, a far cry from my pen pushing days.....thank goodness! You far from Norfolk?

Mate, I am in Ecuador! Yes, a far cry from the counties of England. I have spent 22 of the last 32 years out of the UK, mostly Australia. One thing I have found is that the path to happiness entails the unlearning of things we had instilled into us. Reading your story this migh be an apt term, not sure - tell me to eff off if I am inappropriate, But as a country man you might be interested in this, my plea for the humble bee: https://steemit.com/nature/@ebryans/conservation-the-bears-and-the-bees-a-perspective

I have an interest in the ecology of the planet and the animals which is why i became a gamekeeper and the bee situation is a really big problem. I buy pollinating and nectar wild plants for the garden to encourage wildlife and bees. They help with the permaculture aspect of fertilisation and my orchard. As much as a gamekeeper controls certain animals a lot of it has to do with encouraging the wildlife and ecology and bringing new life into the world. So I am right on board with your post which i just read. Equador, i would love to have a farm out there....dream those big dreams of low impact living. Also the weather is better that wouldn't go a miss. keep up the good work ebryans.

Did you click to follow me? Not asking for any vain reason. It is just an important function thing on the platform. I really need to know!
Really appreciate you comments too, the bees are in serious trouble!

I think i upvoted you but i am only 3 hours old on here so im still getting the hang of it all. Ill try and figure it out and let you know. hang on

Yes i did if that helps

cool, catch you shortly mate

Hi @gameywatchman ! ...love that KPI monkey suit photo ;)

Thanks for the comment and i can proudly say it has not been worn since.