As I sat by you, silently, oh how jealous I was of whoever was on the other end of that line. She lived here with you, she could ask you to help her move whenever she wanted! Do you know who I could ask for help when I needed to move? But I don't hold any of that over you, heck I don't even hold that phone call over you, I was the idiot who pointed out your phone was ringing. Every fucking thing is a conscious decision I made, I take full ownership of it. Just as I am responsible for driving you so far away that I can't pull you into a hug anymore without feeling awkward about it.
What wrecks me most, what really ruined us is that we knew better... both of us. We knew that neither of us was listening to the other, we were looking into each others eyes and nodding and nodding and fucking crying our own eyes out until we were satisfied and finally until I lost my spine and my guts in your smile and your touch. We knew better didn't we? Didn't you? How one of us was always too far ahead of the other? Always begging the other to catch up. At first when I felt so strongly about you, i couldn't wait for you to get there... afterwards when you realized I had misunderstood every thing you couldn't wait for me to get there. From beginning to end we've been bookended in this vicious loop of waiting for the other, always waiting :(. I told you I was trying and you became the biggest lie I ever told myself- How I never wanted to pull or drag you into tomorrow. But i lied cause I couldn't imagine it without you, I couldn't stand to lose you. I will continue pouring whiskey on what we had, you will continue sleeping with your back to my side of the bed, all while looking for someone above or ahead to believe in again. What I wouldn't give for to turn back, just take one good look back... please?
I don't want you to grow numb to my exclamation points. I carry many things in my head and my heart is bursting at the seams, hoping you might uncage and set it free. I am a thinker, I know that now. I have a thirst to create. Life is all about creating order out of chaos. But I misunderstood that before to mean that my approach to the people in my life should be as if they were my blank canvas. I know better now. They aren't the canvas they are the art I must learn form to create my own. I want desperately to understand it, in the hope of doing so, I too hope to become understood. There are pieces of me that I hid even from myself, and those too were worth something. Those too were earned. Those too in the right hands can be beautiful. People are my drug; some too weak, some I abuse, and some make me heroic.
I am telling you, you don't belong to any one person or to one place or to any set of ideals. Your mind, your heart, your body, your soul, it's all in constant flux you are the very essence of chaos at its most beautiful when every thing comes together in perfect symmetry out of absolutely nowhere. I was afraid of you. Why was I never enough? But really maybe it was just that I was afraid of anyone who was constantly searching because that was never my way. You belong in a space where no one can clip your wings or cage you in any way. Of all people I should have been respectful of things that aren't afraid of going off path. You will always be the type to lose yourself, trying to find your own ways... but the river doesn't compete with the earth. Your lapping waves wear away at my foundations but not to erode them, merely to create the shore on which the twain can meet. You weren't free because you knew where you were going, no that was me. You are free because you don't need to.
As you sat by me, filling my ears with your laugh and the rest of my senses with your presence, like salt on chocolate it keened the edge of the hurt I felt. Only a few minutes before I had asked you to give me another two hours of your time and you said you had none and here was some one calling you up for help and you were looking for ways to free up time for her. Oh what I wouldn't give to be that person at the other end of the line. I know what you're thinking to yourself - fuck this guy, where were all these thoughts and melodrama when all I wanted was you... well I suspect that just as much as this has been a learning experience for me about your perspective, you're feeling many of the things I felt back then. However, I didn't know then that I wanted to come back to you, I couldn't have. I was just too bitter, too embattled, bogged down with a heart full of self pity and a mind full of self hate. All I wanted at that time was to get OUT! I wanted OUT from every thing. What about you though? Do you really never want to find out what we could be?
What wrecks us most is the way we find love, and rip off it's wings, expecting it to prove us wrong and still become our wildest dreams. I know now that the reaction to frustration is not anger, it's clearer communication. I know this, doesn't mean I do it all the time. Sometimes I fall back to my old ways, but I am getting better. I can reign it in quicker, and I know I have the ability to very cogently and articulately say what I want, so I try to use that. So hey, it's not all one way, I have things to teach you too. I have learnt, and some of it you knew but, there's so much more I want to discuss with you. So much in this immense universe of mine, and we haven't even started exploring yours! You're right i I don't know you, I didn't try to explore your universe I was so hell bent on showing you mine. I wanted you to love me and I wanted you to feel proud of me. So I was always in a rush to show you how much better I was than every one else, sometimes even you.
I want to see your universe too. I want to understand why you feel the way you do, I want to question every one of your beliefs against mine and see which of yours are better. I want to learn from you all the things you have to teach. I am ready to learn, and if I have to spend time in purgatory as some sort of guru-dakshina, pfft it's nothing, bring it on. I welcome pain now that I know what it is - merely a feedback to our mind reminding us to course correct so the soul is headed in the right direction. I embrace the piercing cold of your calculated aloofness and distance. You were the best thing that happened to me. You've are directly responsible for most of the changes I've wrought within myself, and I feel like a better person because of it. I am not letting you go. I've gotten stronger, I've gotten wiser, I've gotten bolder, I've gotten better... how are you going to get away? Tell me.