Things I learned this Ramadan: Identity

I'm about to get very real about how I feel about wearing the hijab. I hate that my sisters choose to wear it for a couple of reasons. I love the devotion to Allah which are embedded in many of the customs, especially because many of them also facilitate the development of intuition and psychic faculties and go hand in hand with occult literature. This one custom, mark, declaration of identity which I conceptually abhor, needs to be burned and the real elephant in the room needs to be addressed. I choose not to wear a hijab as my regular attire because I contest the underlying, strictly sexual, reasons for women wearing it, and I contest that it is a woman's responsibility in today's age to have to cover herself from head to toe just to avert the sexual attention of men. Given that my reason for joining team Islam is for spiritual development reasons for which I have no qualms in devoting my life to, it is WRONG for men to not monitor their own sexual urges and exercise spiritual discipline. That is not a woman's responsibility.

I have given this issue much thought, and I do believe that it is a woman's responsibility to bring up a generation of men who does not prey on women, does not trick them into sex, and does not emotionally manipulate women. It is our responsibility, both as mothers and single ladies to teach our men to consider women--whether they be Muslim or not--to be worthy of respect and human decency. This means speaking out when behaviors are out of line, and it also means having an open discussion with men about it, calling them to similarly take responsibility. If we keep giving leniency, things aren't going to get better. We as women aren't going to be happy...

But I will say, all in all, I hope and pray to Allah that I marry a loving Muslim man.

First let me take a moment to be clear. My issue is NOT aesthetics of the hijab (or the dupatta, or any of the other Muslim garb worn by women). In matter of fact, some of the garb is GORGEOUS! For example:

If I were obligated to have to wear traditional Muslim attire for women, which I am not, I would protest little if what I had to wear was beautiful. Why? Because I love that which is sensually pleasing to me. I like specific styles, colors, and fashion. Because what I wear and how I present myself is a reflection of my internal inclinations and the personality which was gifted to me by Allah. Because my aesthetic choices reflect my inner self-knowing and is also a conversation with Allah as to what is appropriate for any specific context and what message I should send to the world through my appearance. Because the colors I choose reflect both my latent love for mathematics and the sciences and yet also my passion for human relations. Because black women in the United States have always had their hair stigmatized and we were forced to cover our hair because we attracted the attention of white men. Because I love my hair. Because all of these choices are a negotiation of my unique identity as an educated Magical and Muslim(?)...Sufi(?) American woman.

Wait what? Magic is Haram. Women can't be Sufi. Islam doesn't fit with American nationalities. Women can't choose...magic and education can't exist in the same headspace...What the....?!

This has been something I have been working out for quite some time. Last summer, when I first decided to jump into Islam, I stopped practicing magic entirely for the occasion. I later found out that even my simply creating an origami rose and giving it to a friend was an unintentional magical spell... As humans, some of us have a natural proclivity towards making things happen both through interaction with the physical world through building and using materials and through spiritual and imaginative means. Some have a strong capacity to heal naturally. Others do not. For me, last summer I found out, I am simply a magical person. I am and I always have been even without trying. I am a magician.

I understand the fear. When I first came out to this Sufi group I am a part of on Facebook, I was asked a ton of questions about mind control, breaking up families, and causing ill will....all of which could be done without ever having learned a single spell by marketing, commercials, gossip, and actual evil done by the fleshy pads of the human hands.

I'm still trying to work out this identity thing, and carefully measure how I present myself to the world and when. Though I feel comfortable with myself, I don't feel comfortable with coming out as Muslim to my family. In part because it already doesn't matter, and also in part because I really don't know how to talk to them about it in detail (and currently, my family life is in shambles). On a scale of importance, I do feel that this is of low importance for them, but of high importance to myself and prospective suitors.

It would be nice, however, to have a strong Muslim female-friend here in the States...even if she chose to wore the hijab. Someone with the heart as mighty as a lion, kind of like me. :)