This is cool man. The concept is alright, I think you could have went a bit more in depth with it.

Also, I'd really like to see you work on your bar structure.

Instead of this

What you don't know
Is that I need you
Like water to a thirsty throat
Common I want you

It should be this

What you don't know is that I need you
Like water to a thirsty throat, common I want you

When you look at it that way, your verse isn't really even 16 bars. Technically that would disqualify you from the competition, but since there are only 3 entries this week I am going to let it slide.

So all in all I would suggest focusing on writing in actual bars and start focusing more on end rhymes. A great website to help with rhymes would be rappad.co or rhymezone.com... Both are really dope!

Keep dropping!