Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022) Review

Rating: 1/5 - Still, Give it a Watch
AKA: Old Man Leather
Watch: (On ShitFlix)

Once more in to the breach dear friends, or as Leatherface would say: "Reewuu!! Ghonk Ghonk Roawweer!!!"

Before you see that 1 star rating and start rolling your eyes, we want to clear up that we don't hate this movie at all.

This is a decent film, even with the source material being used as it was, it's still enjoyable to die hard chainsaw fans; or at the very least rational ones. So condescending plebs, who are never satisfied can just skip this one.

SPOILERS*********** For a lot of other chainsaw movies too

So yeah if you haven't figured it out, this is a reboot similar to the 2018 Halloween film. Leatherface has to be pushing 70+ now and I read where some folks are really pissed off about this and his ability to move around as he does. Pleb you've obviously never seen Vincent Kennedy McMahon Damnit:

Vince @ 74

Yes I know Vince is probably on the shit, and Leatherface wouldn't have access to said shit...but the boy loves his protein so i'm sure he was fed quite well by his adopted mother in this film.

Which brings up "Whats been going on in the 50 year hiatus."

According to director David Blue Garcia, the previous movies could have still happened. I assume he means 2-4 and maybe TCM 3D & Leatherface.

That represents a massive problem in terms which continuity we're following, or on the other hand it fully realizes Kim Henkel's vision for the series starting with part 4.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4

^ This movie is funny as fuck...not a riot as part 2 was, but we'll come back to that in long form someday. Give it a watch in the meantime.

But essentially in TCM 4 Henkel had full control of the story.

The idea was introduced that there might be multiple "Chainsaw Families" comprised of similar members & roles (i.e. a Leatherface, patriarchs, matriarchs, etc) in and around Texas.

A cult if you will, that thrives on infliciting pain and fear on the population. A controlled experiment of sorts from a larger group.

Though I think the implementation of the cult concept was only loosely connected at the end of that movie, fans picked up the task of connecting it to the other movies in the series based on the criteria we were given.

If we connect the dots and go with Henkel's vision, then we can assume that the events of Texas Chainsaw 3 were a different family altogether.

Even though Leather had the bum leg, which should for all intents and purposes coincide with him being the actual Leatherface from TCM 1. Again inconsistencies resolved as being coicnidences under Henkel's cult concept.

Though there were call backs to some of the other characters in the series, like grandpa being dried up and dead in TCM3; it only served to create the illusion of continuity based on previous films.

Which brings me back to Henkel's attempt to craft a larger scale story. An idea that could retcon inconsistencies, while driving stories in to new directions, theoretically taking place in the same world.

This works to a great extent and if you combine the brief outline we've presented here, and Director David Blue Garcia's comments about the other films "still taking place" makes sense.

Henkel also served as producer and collaborated ideas with the team for this film. So it's possible Henkel explained his previous efforts to David Blue Garcia for where he wanted to take the series, thus creating a way to make movies without the OG Leatherface needing to be involved everytime.

The Texas Chainsaw 2 Paradox

The story in Chainsaw 2022 is meant to take place 50 years later from the first film. So if we were to follow HenkelVerse (fuck you its all I got) logic, then TCM 2 never takes place as Bubba is effectively dead at the end of that movie.

Another piece within 2022's film is that there is a picture of Leatherface scratched up in a group photo taken in front of the orphange he's hanging out in dated 1975.

So that could mean at some point he rejoined the group and became the metal head we saw in TCM 2, then went back to the orphange after suviving being gutted by a chainsaw and grenade. That would be highly unlikely.

However, seeing how ChopTop was the twin brother of the Hitchhiker from the first movie, whose to say Bubba was a twin to Leatherface...YES I know a stretch (speaking of Stretch, she was in TCM 3 briefly as a reporter)....but could easily be said to accomodate the HenkelVerse® continuity.

Before you long string bean simp boys start saying old leather took some shotgun rounds and a chainsaw to the chin in the 2022 movie, so therefore he could have survived part 2....I say:

"Lick my plate you dog dick!

Leatherface was never meant to be this immortal kill machine. He's a big beefy bastard similar to human Jason Voorhees (a can of worms im not opening right now) - Essentially he has retard strength and physiology that enables him to take excruciating amounts of punishment.

He's still gonna need to get those shotgun pellets pulled out, and that chin stitched up.

NOW TEXAS CHAINSAW 2022 -

For this movie we're assuming TCM 2 (1986) / 3D (2013) & Leatherface (2017) didnt happen - However, even though we're not covering TCM 3 or 4, they are counted as entries within the HenkelVerse® (that's right bitch it's mine now).

A group of idealistic kids also who get referred to as a "cult" for what its worth.

So some goof fucks from Austin decide they're going to start a town by buying up an old one outside of the vicious big city limits. The "dream" is a goofy freak utopia where they can sell off the old buildings within the town of Harlow to attract all kinds of like minded investors who seek to escape the nightmares they created in the city limits proper.

I mean thats what I took it as, sperg flight is common in the USA, I can't tell you how many people move to my location now thinking they've found sanctuary, only to sperg out and ruin it for everyone....

But that is the problem with plebs, they never learn.

Anyway, the group of venture capitalists stumble on an orphanage with an old lady still living there. Everyone was supposed to have been cleared out after the group purchased the buildings, however the old lady (I forget her fucking name) says this was cleared up by the bank, and has the deed to the property.

Well one thing leads to another with the goofburgs wanting to see the deed, the old lady saying no fuck off you goofy fucks, and subsequently having a heart attack.

It's at this point we see Leatherface, unmasked coming to the aid of the lady who had been taking care of him since his escape from the events in 1974.

Note: Sally is back and was apparently a Texas Ranger hunting Leatherface for 50 years.... She dies and Leatherface doesn't even remember her which is alpha and brought us much joy.

Also found it intersting she's a ranger when her uncle was a ranger in TCM 2 continuity. I assume it's a nod since TCM 2 continuity can't exist in this story.

Anyway, not going to go down the rabbit hole for the entire plot - basically Leatherface rides in the ambulance to take his adopted caretaker to the hospital, she dies, and he loses it and starts killing everyone responsible/related.

FYI the old lady did have the deed to the property as discovered by the goofy bitch with goofy fake teeth and curly hair.

So yeah, our boy Leatherface is a hero and in the right for everything he does for the remainder of the film.

This is also similar to the first movie where he was defending his home from what he percieved as intruders.

Leatherface at his core is mentally retarded, he has huge problems. He can't even properly express himself unless he's wearing the face of what he wants to be. For Leatherface there's nothing behind the mask, just what the mask represents.

Understanding this fact, helps to understand why Leatherface takes the face of the old lady who was practically his mother.

He essentially becomes her wraith & justice.

Every character in this movie sucks with the exception of Richter & Lila & the general hicks - Everyone else straight up deserves what happens to them. Lila has a decent story arc, when I heard there were anti-gun themes in this film i was like:

But thankfully even though there are pokes at the idea of "guns bad" - It's handled in such a way that it's not insulting, and only serves to make you hate the "heroes" even more.

With the exception of Lila, as her character development is tied to a school shooting, having fears, and subsequently overcoming them. It makes sense and is something Halloween Kills could have taken a page from instead of ya know...Evil Dies Tonight...We have a System in Place bullshit.

Lila is also played by that bitch who was Joy in Castle Rock Season 2 (LFG SEASON 3 THIS SHIT WAS GOOD)

So in short - Everyone you want to die eats a big fat chainsaw thru their asshole , and Lila lives!

Now for the 1 star:

The fucking CG, the shit Leather does with that chainsaw (the floor scene will make you go wtf)

Great kills ruined with CG - Like Dante's & Richters deaths would have been the tops had organic or practical FX been used.

FYI we didn't really need the gore. The best movie in the series had very little...and that was the first Chainsaw movie.

Don't really like the setup, but hey it wasn't a bad movie - Give it a watch and know that it's better than Halloween Kills by a fucking mile.

FINAL WORD -

MRHELLBOX: Fuck that Melody bitch. Stupid goofy looking freak. I was so happy to see her severed head dangling about with old man Leatherface celebrating like he just won the Texas Oklahoma Chili Cook off 2 years running!

But seriously it's definately not as bad as folks like Bloody Disgusting made it seem. They, being the advocates for all things retarded and spergalicious, touted the anti gun messages, the anti gentrification messages, and made it seem like that's all the movies emphasis was going to be.

While its not the best chainsaw movie, you could do far worse, like watching that horse face bitch Jessica Biel's version. FUCK HER AND FUCK WHAT SHE DID TO JT! - 1/5

DRUNKEN MASTER: I put down my wine, and my karaoke mic to watch this film proper. I'd still rather jack off while doing Kata than watch this, but it's pretty good for what it is. It's hard to keep a series fresh, but sometimes going simple is the best way forward. Maybe we'll get that in the next film. - 1/5

PRINCE PECTORALS: Yo, fucking Leatherface still swole, gut and all. That cat should sell workout tapes consisting of how he massacred those pansy bitches on the bus. That was a workout....fake as fuck looking, but still a good work out. - 1/5