Pagi ini, aku terjaga lebih awal dengan tilas wudhu' yang mengering sebelum shubuh masuk waktu. Gemetar tubuhku menanggalkan lebih awal mimpi semalam, namun tidak sekalian dengan kegelapan semalam. Kegelapan semalam telah menjadi teman dan terus hinggap berlanjut sampai kini. Sunyi, sepi...
Kesepian membunga di diri, kata orang. Bagiku, sepi bukan seperti bunga, krna ia menumbuh dimana-mana namun tak dapat menghiasi. Mungkin tepatnya laksana cendawan yang menjadi parasit untuk diri, Sebab seberapa keras pun aku berteriak memanggil terang, ia tak kunjung datang. Terhalang gelap yang sudah berteman pada masa lalu, masalah baru, serta sisa-sisa kesal kemarin.
Pagi bersinar tegas, namun langitku masih temaram. Kunyalakan motor untuk pergi mencari arah, namun berakhir tanpa arah. Kini perjalanan sudah jauh ku lucuti, waktu telah banyak ku bunuh, dan langit telah ku peras sampai menjadi sore untuk sengaja kucuri senjanya. Kepada senja ku berbisik "hei aku suka sepiamu sepiku jadi sedikit terobati, apa sepiamu dapat menghapus sepiku?". Lalu senja menarik sepianya, menggantinya dengan gelap, malam, sepi... Lagi...
Sepanjang jalan ku coba mencari cara untuk menghabisi sisa fikirku yang suntuk kemarin malam. Sampai setibanya di rumah, Ibu menyambutku dengan ajakan sholat bersama, selepas do'a ibu berikan kepadaku sebuah nasihat katanya. "Kau peras saja keringat ibu nak untuk menyirami cendawan sepimu". Ia ternyata tau redupku, ia tau cemasku, bahkan ia tau tangisan hatiku yang kutebar pada jalan yang riuh, tau sepi yg kubagikan pada waktu, tau aku salah berkendara untuk mencari arah, yang seharusnya do'a adalah kendaraannya.
Bilangan teman hari ini bersua denganku, berjumlah orang telah bertutur sapa denganku, aku kira aku berhasil untuk berpura bahagia hari ini, Tapi ibu menggagalkan akal-akalan semuku, Ibu memang sensor peka terbaik. Ingat nak, katanya. cendawan tak selamanya parasit, gelap pun tak selamanya sepi. Persepsimu terhadap masa lalu harus kau ubah, ntah itu perihal persahabatan, kesibukan, dendam, kisah, atau...
kasih?
Simpan saja sepimu pada senyum ibu nak, setelah itu akan kugantikan dengan dua mantra panawar kegelapan. Ia tidak bisa mengubah gelapmu, namun setidaknya ia bsa menjadi penawar. Apa? kataku, maaf dan terimakasih kata ibu. Maafkanlah segala hal yg telah membuat gaduh fikiranmu maka awan gelap akan hilang dari langitmu, dan terimakasihlah atas segalanya maka bintang yang bersinar indah akan terlihat menghiasi langitmu.
Langitku yang temaram seketika bertiup kencang, awan sepi perlahan menghilang, dan aku melihat sesuatu, apa itu? Bintang... Indah... Senyum yang sudah lama hilang kini membunga kembali di bibirku lantaran takjub akan keindahannya. Ini tanda bahwa aku telah berdamai dengan kegaduhan sepi. Lalu gelap? Aku kini menyukainya sama seperti senja. Disisi lain, gelap ternyata membawa sejuta makna keindahan. Aku termenung menatap indahnya bintang di kegelapan, Angin disekitarku berhembus lembut kearahku, seraya menyiratkan pesan dari kelam. Tanpa kegelapan, mana mungkin bintang terlihat, tanpa duka, mana mungkin bahagia terasa. Tanpa malam, mana mungkin bintang dapat bersinar, tanpa musibah, mana mungkin hikmah tuhan dapat terasa. Begitu pesan kelam. Bu, aku kini telah berdamai dgn kelamku. Dalam gelapku kini aku melihat secercah cahaya harapan, untuk bahagia.
Kepadamu bu,
Aku terimakasih.
Kepada maaf,
Terimakasih.
Kepada terima kasih,
Maaf belum sempat membalas kasih.
Kepada kasih,
Maaf atas hal yang kau tak terima.
Tamora diujung pena~
I'm sorry night, cause You Darkness is Beautiful, Thanks to the darkness
This morning, I was awake early with the ablution of the ablution 'which dried up before Fajr entered time. My body trembled earlier in the dream last night, but not at all with the darkness of last night. Darkness last night has become a friend and continues to perch until now. Silent, lonely ...
Loneliness blossoms in, people say. For me, loneliness is not like a flower, because it grows everywhere but cannot decorate. Maybe precisely like a fungus who became a parasite for myself, because no matter how loud I shouted to call the light, he never came. Dark obstacles that have been friends in the past, new problems, and remnants of annoyance yesterday.
Morning shines firmly, but my sky is still dim. I turned on the motor to go looking for directions, but ended without direction. Now my journey has been stripped away, I have killed many times, and the sky I have squeezed until it became late in the afternoon to deliberately steal his weapon. To my dusk whispered "hey I like your loneliness loneliness so a little relieved, what loneliness can you remove my loneliness?". Then twilight attracts its sleep, replaces it with darkness, night, sleep ... Again ...
Along the way I tried to find a way to finish off the rest of my mind that was too late last night. Arriving at home, Mother welcomed me with an invitation to pray together, after the prayer you gave me an advice he said. "You just squeeze my mother's sweat to water your lonely fungus". He apparently knows my dim, he knows my anxiety, even he knows the cry of my heart that I spread on a noisy road, know lonely that I shared at the time, know I was wrong to drive to find directions, which should be the vehicle prayer.
Today's number of friends meet with me, the number of people who have spoken to me, I think I managed to pretend to be happy today, But you failed my fake tricks, Mother is the best sensitive sensor. Remember, son, he said. boletus is not always a parasite, nor is darkness always quiet. You have to change your perception of the past, whether it's about friendship, busyness, revenge, stories, or ...
love?
Just keep your loneliness in the smile of the mother, after that I will replace it with two panawar dark spells. He can't change your darkness, but at least he can be an antidote. What? I said, sorry and thank you mother said. Forgive everything that has made your mind noisy, the dark clouds will disappear from your sky, and thank you for everything then a beautiful shining star will be seen adorning your sky.
My dim sky is suddenly blowing hard, the lonely cloud is slowly disappearing, and I see something, what is it? Bintang ... Beautiful ... A smile that has long since disappeared has now blossomed again on my lips because I was amazed at its beauty. This is a sign that I have been reconciled with quiet noise. Then dark? I now love it the same as dusk. On the other hand, the dark turns out to carry a million meanings of beauty. I pensive staring at the beauty of the stars in the darkness, the wind around me blows gently towards me, while implying a message from the dark. Without darkness, how could stars be seen, without sorrow, how could happiness be felt. Without the night, how could the star shine, without disaster, how could the wisdom of God be felt. Once the message is dark. Ma'am, I have now made peace with my dark. In my darkness now I see a ray of hope, to be happy.
To you mom,
I thanks.
To sorry,
Thank you.
To thank you,
Sorry haven't had time to reply love.
To you,
Sorry for things you didn't accept.
Tamora at the tip of the pen~